The Arbitrarian

Shooting Troubles with Dextrose Theguy

2011-05-10T16:35:00.000-07:00

Another thing I like? Roguelikes. The only ones I've actually managed to survive are the Pokémon Mystery Dungeon series. Sky, as I've undoubtedly mentioned before, is among my all-time favorite games. But, in any case, I also play a few on my computer, which are known for being far more unforgiving, micromanagey, and kill-me-a-lot-in-it.

For the uninitiated, the roguelike genre is all about exploring procedurally generated dungeons and managing your resources as you struggle to the bottom. PMD strategy was basically "whack the peeps in your way, maybe swapping places with your partner if you have a type disadvantage." The typical roguelike strategy will be incredibly convoluted and involve uses of equipment and skills that may not occur to the player for months of play. Not for the faint of heart. Though take that with salt, because I somehow get entertainment out of repeated head-hand-to.

You may wonder what this has to do with troubleshooting. Well, it all started today, when I found out there was a new version of Dungeon Crawl Stone Soup available. So I downloaded it, opened it up, and watched as it fired up Terminal and promptly did absolutely nothing. Nothing it showed me, anyway. Thinking it had already crashed somehow, I quit and started it up again. Without delay, it gave me the menu screen. Dismissing the earlier trouble, I went on with my game, noting that my game saved on the previous version didn't carry over. No matter, that guy wouldn't have access to the new features anyway. And it wasn't as if he would last another five minutes.

That... that last bit probably wasn't a bug or anything, by the way.

Nothing seemed wrong for a time. My new housecat's doom came promptly and as scheduled, but with a little surprise that trees and deep water were now identical, and looked like absolutely nothing. I had to question their judgement on that one. It couldn't have been a bug; they had called it a stable version, hadn't they? They would have noticed something like that. Later, I came across a very wiggly hallway. And it turned out it was actually directly north-south. Kinda neat, but caused more judgement questioning.

Somehow, I still thought nothing of it, and decided I'd make my character a god in debug mode. That was when I knew something was wrong. Every floor of the dungeon had an area where it was skewed and caused Rashy to stumble across like a drunken man. More deep water, and I had to take the game's word for it. I eventually tired of trampling golden dragons and, with some effort, killed him off. The game quit, as it does, and when I went to open it again, my computer was all "Hey, don't mess with that, bub. I think it's broken."

Uh-oh.

Version 0.7 was broken somehow too. I had no clue what I had done. But clearly it was just my copy broken and all I had to do was download it again?

Nope.

It was probably panic time now. Never play Dungeon Crawl again for reasons that were beyond my grasp?? But then it hit me. If the program wasn't broken, it was some of its files. All I had to do is find them, figure out which one, and delete it.

Finding them was not much of a problem, though I learned a few worrying things about my lack of computer knowledge. I didn't know where to look, but I did know a few silly names that wouldn't be found anywhere else on my hard drive. It was as simple as a search for BP. The "find out which one" bit stumped me. I just deleted them all, a little hesitantly. And 0.7 worked again! I played a game, which consisted of giving a human fighter a funny name and promptly climbing the stairs back out of the dungeon. Sure enough, the high scores were gone. Not that I missed them; they were probably embarrassingly low. I fired up 0.8 again. And got the same "don't mess with this, guy" message.

It was time for advanced made-up techniques! I downloaded it again and deleted the files.

...And the hallways have returned to their wiggly state.

Anyone else got any ideas? 'Cause I'm absolutely stuck.

I Have No Childhood

2011-04-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

I love Pokémon. I've loved Pokémon ever since it was first introduced to me in the form of the anime, at its release. It's a bit of a wonder, then, how White is my first step into a new region. My first games were Fire Red, then Soul Silver, two bits of nostalgia I'll never have. I feel I've failed somehow.

Spawning thoughts such as these was this little drawing (or series of drawings, rather) by the artist of the highly recommended webcomic Awkward Zombie. I don't know if it's jealousy or what, but my soul is a little crushed that I'm being sent back to freshman year instead of my childhood. My brain knows it's not my fault. It's not like I could scrounge together the kind of money it would take to get those games on my own. (First of all, it would have to occur to me to try that.) I've never felt this way about any series I've gotten into late before. What's so different about Pokémon?

I have no idea.

Let's rattle some other things off, shall we? Final Fantasy. I've never finished one, so I don't attach much emotion. Fable? It doesn't have the same magic. Halo was an acquired taste for me. And--hold that thought. Magic. What is this magic?

Huh. The Pokémon series has never really had much in the way of self-contained stories. There's a whole world of possibilities out there, and the highly customizable teams only provide the gasoline for your spark of imagination. Not to mention the ridiculously imaginative creatures that you're set loose with. That's probably why I am so constantly tempted to write and immediately regret fanfiction for it all the time.

Anyways, this was going to be a more conventional post of my first impressions, and not an essay on missed nostalgia. Which is a phrase I am going to wonder for a long time how to work into everyday conversation.

Our protagonist and his/her friends seem never to have stepped out of town before. That, coupled with the fact that they don't look ten years old this team around, and a few other things I can't focus hard enough on because I want to get this written so I can go back to playing and thinking of other ways to combat run-on sentences, seems to suggest some kind of growing-up theme. Also, the question of whether it's really right to train Pokémon in battle. (Though the answer's been around since Silver.) This is really early in the game, and probably common knowledge anyway, so not spoilers, right? Moving on.

The "nova" bit of Unova was probably no accident. Nova, of course, meaning new. This game is doing all sorts of things that have never been done in its series before. First off, you won't be seeing any of the Pokémon you've come to know and love until after the Elite Four, if rumors are to be believed. And at least the first tournament will only have new Pokémon qualify. Not to mention the less meta bits of the game. And this is something I can get behind. I have never had a chance before to see new Pokémon firsthand, learn their strengths and weaknesses, grow to hate and love them rather arbitrarily. I suppose I could have done it in the past by choice, but there is a large difference between that and being forced.

Aaand that does it. I give up trying to wax philosophical, if only because my dear Lillipup is calling my name with tears in his eyes. Well, it's either my name or "feed me."

NaNoWriMo: Take Three

2010-10-28T09:20:00.000-07:00

Yup, it's that time of month again! I mean year. NOVEMBER is NANOWRIMO and I am again writing a 50,000-word urban fantasy! Here is a link to me. Watch in awe as I eventually post an excerpt and then make no changes besides my word count! Also, if you're asking for a challenge, that is also where you click. Just click the button where "rival" is erroneously spelled "buddy".

Anyway, as such, I will be posting even less during the month of November. Yes, my post count next month will be going into the /negatives./

NEW BLOG

2010-09-21T21:46:00.000-07:00

HEY HEY YO YO I do a new blog these days! Join my on my quest(s) to make jokes about video games! How is that different from the jokes about video games here? Questlog has (a) plot(s)!

CLICK THE LINK IF YOU PLEASE

DEXTROSE v. PIXELART

2009-12-04T21:47:00.000-08:00

...And this is what happened. Sever your leg, please.

VICTOLY!!

2009-11-29T17:36:00.000-08:00

We are the champions, my friends! Dextrose Theguy has successfully typed 50,000 words of The Cracked Emerald! The journey was tough, filled with pitfalls, pitrises, pit traps, spike pit traps, pit stops, but, strangely enough, not elves. That's right, not a single elf appeared. Or dwarf. I only use cool races: Aqui, Aerians, humans, and, no matter how hard you try, you can never dispense with dragons. I took a vow never to have dwarves, elves, or orcs appear. I hate them so.

See, here's the deal: Orcs are there for the heroes to kill without any kind of moral issues, because orcs are Always Evil. Elves are there for appearing incredible, but, in retrospect, turning out to just be incredibly racist. Dwarves? I have no clue. Making weapons or something, I guess. In any case, they're all lame, and humans are way underrated.

Anyways, back to the celebration party. Guhh... I'd like to thank all the little people who didn't care when I left them out of my life to go work on my novel. Without you, I... actually wouldn't have moral problems about it, because there would be no one to ignore. Huh. Well, thanks for existing anyway. I'd like to thank Cassie, Patsy, Mort, Connor, Ivory, Byss, and the Queen of Reptiles for existing, too. Queen, I mourn your loss. Really. After you died, there was no driving force behind the novel. Mort, sorry for all the crap you have to go through all the time. I'm sure the Thirteenth Sandwich Christmas Special (not A Thirteenth Sandwich Christmas) will make it up. More crap, but you must be high on the Nice List. Patsy, you weren't as exciting a character as you usually are. I don't know what's going on there. Cassie! Thanks for providing your sarcasm when I really needed it. Connor. You turned out to be great for comic relief, but then you seemed to disappear. We'll have to work on that. Byss, sorry about killing off your mom. And sorry canon changed again and it's not the way making you and Connor more interesting characters. Stu, you weren't on the list, but you really helped my word count at the end. You gave me hope, and interest, and you can laugh for a really long time. Thanks so much.

Death count: one Queen of Reptiles, hundreds of innocent townspeople (noice job, Queen), one cockatrice.

Artifacts: The Stuhammer, the Emerald, the Sapphire, the Diamond, the Ruby.

Polymorphs: Ivory (lycanthropy: werejackal?) Mort (Morgan, Aqui, jabberwock, dragon) Cassie (weremermaid - seriously?)

Special thanks to NetHack, which provided inspiration for Ivory, Stu, and pretty much all the dungeon exploration. Also, special thanks to the jabberwock. Apparently, jabberwock is a species and there's more than one. At least, now it is. I hope that's not infringing any copyrights there.

Another final thanks to the Queen of Reptiles. May you rest in peace. Unfortunately, the law dictates that you go to hell. Fortunately, fire ain't gonna do much to a dragon. Also fortunately, a certain gatekeeper will set free anyone more badbutt than he is. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. You didn't hear it from me.

-sneaks away-

A Thirteenth Sandwich Christmas

2009-11-27T11:49:00.000-08:00

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through HQ,
Only Cassie was stirring
(And Kaylee was, too).

Kaylee: Really, Cassie. Go to sleep.
Cassie: Hold on. Lemme finish slaying this dude.

When up from the roof
There arose such a clatter
Cassie dropped her Wiimote
To see what was the matter.

Cassie: Yess! I knew it!
Kaylee: What?

Cassie had heard
Of the Santa of lore,
Having lived on Earth
For some time before.

But Kaylee, from somewhere
Beyond foreign Lanze,
Knew nothing of legend,
Or much about hands.

Cassie: Oh crap, do we have a chimbley? Chimney?
Kaylee: Wha--?
Cassie: How's he supposed to get in?
Kaylee: Wha--?

Then Cassie remembered
A tale she'd heard
That would fix the predicament.
She could take its word.

Cassie: Oh yeah. The Santa Clause.

At last, Kaylee freaked out,
Her patience run thin.
Not literally, of course,
She 'bout burst from her skin.

Kaylee: WHAT THE SCRAP ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
Cassie: Hmm?

Kaylee pleasantly asked her
With very kind words
And some threats to dismember
And feed several birds.

Cassie: Yeah, um, even if you did manage to get my throat out like that, where do you think you'll find gulls this time of year?
Kaylee: They're south somewhere. It won't be that tough.

"Oh, I totally forgot!"

Cassie said with a grin.

"It's traditional lore.

And it's totally win.

"See, there's this dude, Santa,

And he's the coolest guy.

He delivers these bribes

With these reindeer that fly--

"Oh, geez, where's a window?"

She opened it wide,

Before realizing

She wouldn't see him outside.

Kaylee: He's on the roof, remember?

"So how did you manage

To set up the tree

And all of this other stuff

Without telling me

What the crap it was for?"

Kaylee seemed quite confused.

"And I even helped you?"

She settled on bemused.

"I have no idea,"

Cassie finally said.

"Living in my office

Might mess with your head.

"But never mind that."

Cassie crouched down to hide.

"I'm gonna bet

He comes in from this side."

Finding nowhere to crouch,

Kaylee fell to her bed

And she pulled up the sheets

Over all but her head,

And, feigning sleep,

Or perhaps even death,

She stared, eyes half-closed,

As she holded her breath.

Izzy: Dex, that's not a word.

Dextrose: Shh.

The Santa Clause Principle

Proved to be true,

And a fireplace appeared

Without much ado.

With her eyes squinted,

It might have been skewed,

But Santa sure looked like

A familiar dude.

Cassie sprang to her feet.

"Oh my gosh! It is him!"

Then she saw something odd.

"Uh, you're awfully slim."

"Am I?" he chortled

In a voice they both knew

"I sure hope that's a compliment.

I kind of like you."

Santa: Because sassing Santa is a first-class one-way ticket to the Naughty list.

"Hold on." Cassie caught on,

Looked him from head to toe,

And, disbelieving,

said, "Doctor Guapo?"

Santa looked at his beard.

"I didn't think it looked fake.

Could not grow my own,

It'd take long months to make.

"But, yes, I suppose,

Underneath all this stuff,

I'm your favorite mad scientist."

He struck a pose. It looked tough.

"Doctor Guapo is Santa?"

Kaylee couldn't believe.

"He has other cool jobs

Hidden up in his sleeve?"

"I don't think he's Santa."

Cassie shook her blonde head.

"How would he have time

To make gold from lead?"

"No, I'm not Santa."

Guapo put down his sack.

"I'm filling in for the man.

And I've got quite a knack.

"But in any case, kids,

If you wanted to know,

Santa Claus is healing.

Got attacked by escrow."

Flashback: A critical hit! It's super effective!

Cassie: That doesn't even make sense.

"I must really be going."

Guapo took time to stop

And point with his finger

Toward the rooftop.

As he dumped out the contents

of his colossal sack,

Cassie had to ask,

"Doc?" as she watched him unpack.

"How'd you get so dang lucky

To land such a job?"

She was so jealous

She began to sob.

"Friends in high places."

That might have been a smile,

But under that moustache,

You'd be guessing a while.

"I'm always happy to help.

I sent my list in this year,

And one of my wishes

Was to bring Christmas cheer.

"Then, Santa, surviving

Random battles, if barely,

Gave me this job.

A job that comes rarely.

"You mustn't be envious,

I could see how you would,

But this isn't exactly a job

That is good.

"In the night, in the sky,

Even with my fur coat,

I am quite freezing up there.

It's no reason to gloat.

"Be happy you can

Sleep snug in your bed,

While I have to go up

And freeze off my head.

"You should think less

About your fancy presents

Instead, the providers,

Whose jobs are unpleasant.

"We make your gifts possible,

So I'd say we would love

To hear from you gratitude

Of one kind or anuv."

Dextrose: As in short for another.

Izzy: Are you going to go through the whole thing making up rhyming words?

Dextrose: Hey, I've only Dr. Seuss'd twice.

Cassie guessed he was right.

Kaylee had no such guess.

It was enough for the Doc, though.

He gave them their mess.

"All right, that should do it."

He tied up the strings,

Leaving behind him

All their wonderful things.

Video games for Cassie,

For Kaylee, mostly clothes.

Guapo, nodding farewell,

Put a finger by his nose.

Seeing them reach

For the bright wrapping paper,

He waved them away.

"You must wait for the caper."

"I can tell what's in there

Anyway, Doc.

Video games."

And she ended her talk.

"But you don't know which ones,"

The Doc said with a smile

That may or may not

Have been there all the while.

And then he was gone.

More clatters arose,

And Santa, presumably,

Took off like Dextrose.

On a sugar high after eating too much chocolate and having no random encounters to drain his sugar gauge on.

He yelled one thing more

'Fore he reached earshot's brink:

"Merry Christmas to all,

And something else, I think."

Yeah, I Should Probably Insert a Title

2009-11-22T14:52:00.000-08:00

I have no clue what the books would be about, but these seem like great titles to me:

We Can't All Be Dextrose Theguy

Case In Point: Dextrose Theguy

Dextrose Theguy: Running On Empty

Dexter Rose: May or May Not be Dextrose Theguy

Because every book in the world should be about me. Especially autobiographies.

The contents of this post are subject to change. Or I could, like, start a series of book titles without books. And also cover art. I should do cover art.

Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy: Episode 6

2009-11-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

Dextrose Theguy: Woo-hoo! Ten thousand words, and Connor's plot finally showed up!

Izzy Marshwood: Oh, really?

DT: Uh-huh. I barely got this far last year, and this year I'm right on schedule! To celebrate, I will perform everybody's favorite activity, sporking the crap out of something.

IM: Unfortunately, the crap tends to remain.

DT: So, after my massive success at StarFox, I think I can spork that area.

IM: Oh my.

DT: Or perhaps write my own fanfiction in that area. "Dexter Rose, leader of Team SmiteSquad..."

IM: ...

DT: Yeah, of course I'm kidding.

ST: Hey, Dex. I'm cleaning spears and such now, need any cleaned?

DT: Mine were the first on your list. Back to work, knave!

Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy was brought to you by:

The letter Q, and the number 18.

ST: This isn't "Sesame Street", Dex.

DT: Hey, let's spork the "What do you smell like to Edward Cullen" quiz! "Which one of these treats would you prefer to nibble on? Jacob Black."

IM: Holy Shinx, you didn't answer that, did you?

DT: Goodness, no. "Which one are you?" There's no "I'm a /man./"

IM: Yeah, there is.

DT: But without the emphasis. "Would you say you are a dog person or a cat person?"

IM: Oh, I'm a cat person.

ST: That's not what they were asking. By the way, Daxton is in your room, Izzy.

IM: What the helm does he think he's doing in there?

ST: Why don't you find out?

IM: -storms out of the room-

ST:-takes her seat-

DT: I think the quiz thinks I'm gay... What's an attractive guy scent? Let's say axe, I'd be most likely to wield some o' that. Now let's see, how do I lie to the address thingy?

ST: By the way, Daxton likes Izzy. A lot.

DT: Can someone seal that warp tube? Thanks. In any case, I Smell Like Strawberries. My sweet personality can't be contained... It makes him wish he could nibble me. At which point I whip out my trusty garlic cannon and wooden steak. Also a wooden stake and a regular steak, for my victory party. Hurrah.

IM: Sucrose, what are you doing there?

DT: Ah, crap. I was supposed to seal the tube after he was gone.

ST: I'm here to, well, talk to you guys.

IM: Isn't it your bedtime?

ST: I'M NOT DONE TALKING! Er, Daxton likes you to start off.

IM: That's nice. OUT OF MY SEAT!

ST: Fine, I'll hover. -starts to hover above seat-

DT: Okay, as I was saying before the quiz so rudely interrupted,

Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy was brought to you by:

The letter Q, and the number 18.

ST: Still not "Sesame Street"!

DT: Quiet, knave.

SUMMARY

A wolf presumably gets shot.

IN-DEPTH (to an extent) SPORK:

Fox McCloud, a Red fox from the planet Corneria, sat in his chair in the great fox playing his IPod as he lesion to Linkin Park ‘In the end’.

DT: Oh, good gravy.

IM: I totally have no comment.

DT: Linkin Park plus Star Wars--er, Fox--equals POOP.

IM: Plus, what's this "lesion"? A... legion... lesson?

DT: Whatcha wanna bet the song becomes important later?

IM: Or, like, the entire plot of the story?

DT: If only I knew the lyrics...

IM: Er, actually, you have no business listening to crap.

DT: -shrugs- That's true.

black and purple ship

DT: To the Emomobile! Dudulududulududulududuluduuuuuuuh! Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh EMO!!

ST: Wow.

DT: You can just call me the fanfare master!

hair that was purple

DT: Geez louise, you established the emo part already! You can stop whenever you like!

blue jeans

DT: Oh /ho!/ So you want it to come across that she's a creative emo, one who doesn't wear the typical black or red!

IM: Red jeans exist?

DT: I slayed a vampire once in red jeans. I mean, he was wearing them.

IM: When did you take up vampire slaying?

DT: Shh.

“So what took you so long to call McCloud?” the she-wolf asked

IM: AARG WHY DOES SHE SPEAK IN ITALICS

“How do you know I’m a McCloud?” Fox asked

“Because there are only six McCloud’s and only two are guys.” The she-wolf said

DT: Objection, Your Honor. The prosecution's argument is inane.

IM: I thought we were the prosecution.

DT: Well, I didn't remember what the other guys are called.

“Oh by the way My Name is Mystic.

DT: And that's why everything I say is italicized."

Krystal McCloud, the blue and white vixen

DT: Oh, is that what she is? I could never figure that out. Whoa, whoa, she's related to Fox? Aren't they, like... hot for each other...?

IM: /Maybe/, Dex, Anglehog is trying to say they're married.

DT: Oh. Uh... so did they have that honeymoon on Sauria yet? THAT WAS THE BEST CUTSCENE IN THE GAME

Marcus McCloud, Blue and White fox,

DT: Who the helm is he?

IM: He had better dang well be canon. Or... probably not. I'd be upset with... whoever owns the rights right now.

DT: Let's check the disclaimer list of characters Angley "owns".... No, but it could be "other".

IM: Dag. Don't know who to hate on that one.

Slippy

(both): SLIPPY!

“Rain… Rain as in Lunirainos, the girl we meet year ago?”

DT: "Probably not," said Fox. "I don't know where you found the Rain part in there."

"I volunteer father." Marcus said

DT: Oh. So either Fox is old or Marcus will be morbidly inept. I instantly dislike him and hope for the latter.

IM: Even if he's canon?

DT: ESPECIALLY THEN.

IM: Well, I guess that honeymoon happened, then. Either way.

Fox nodded

(that's to Marcus's offer, by the way)

DT: Oh, good. Fox wants him dead, too.

"Fox if you find Rain she'll call you Daddy and you would have to tell Falco and Marcus." Krystal said

DT: "Wow," said Fox, "You make less sense than usual."

"I know but I need to find our daughter she might be in grave danger." Fox said

DT: Oh, I see. Omg! Illegitimate children!

IM: No, he said "our".

DT: Oh. Fine. New joke: BECAUSE TRICKY IS HUNGRY.

an Orange bear

DT: All right, I was okay with Krystal because I didn't know what she was, but now it's just dumb. Where are the Sonic the Hedgehog Colors coming from?

"Brindo unst los tango Medo. (Fire storm of the sky)" Mystic said

IM: Don't you hate it when you say your footnotes out loud?

After running for quite some time mystic dropped down to her knees and looked at the Injure Apep gave her. Her whole world started to spin until with a flop Mystic fell to the ground watching blackness take her over.

DT: That's the calmest running-for-your-life-and-then-passing-out-from-an-injury-that-I-never-figured-out-happened I've ever seen.

"That's Mystic's ship. She's here."

IM: 'Cause she didn't say she would be here.

"I'll go ahead Father." Marcus said over his shoulder

"Marcus Wait." Fox said

...Marcus picked her up and walked right back to find Fox and Falco fighting still.

DT: It's settled. Fox doesn't really care.

IM: I bet he dies within the next five minutes. Marcus, I mean.

Marcus thought that O'Donnell's were evil

DT: See? Another fatal mistake. They're just antiheroes, and love to help when it's for the Good of the Universe.

IM: The worst kind of hero of all!

Comet, Rain, Aurora, Lemonade, Be-Dena, and Ti I'm coming soon.

IM: Wow. See, you can tell which ones are OCs 'cause they have terrible names.

DT: Hold on. Where's the rest of the story?

IM: Only one chapter? I demand a refund!

DT: Let's make this a double!

Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy was also brought to you by:

The letter S, and the number 3,082.

ST: -disappears in a poof of voip in frustration-

SUMMARY

Fox and Krystal crash-land (which could be taken in multiple ways) and run into a Pikachu.

IN-DEPTH SPORK:

Fox began to feel a rough sensation through his body as his cockpit began to shake violently.

DT: Oh, wow. /That/ sentence is easy to take the wrong way.

"What the hel[m]?!"

IM: Except the /don't swear/ and make it incredibly obvious when they are not swearing.

Then in a blink of an eye, Fox's arwing smashed into Krystal's,

DT: That /also/ couldn't be taken the wrong way!

IM: Pardon my Aquan, but shut the helm up.

Feeling the intensity

IM: That's it! I get the excerpts from now on!

DT: Aww...

the fuel tank had a deep gash running down it, and Krystal knew that was bad.

DT: No, it's not. Gasoline is a toy.

IM: No inappropriate comments this time?

DT: It's Wittychick's fault!

In a rush to save the one person she had ever really cared for

IM: Except for Slippy!

even if she wouldn't admit it

IM: Especially the part about Slippy.

on fire due to the flames

DT: :o

[Brian]-forsaken

DT: Yeah, and they don't take any names in vain, either.

She couldn't breath

IM: That's almost as bad as when you can't breathe.

Krystal had to break eye contact before she did an action she knew she may regret in the future.

DT: Which could be taken in multiple--

IM: -mighty slap-

due to them being anthropomorphic

DT: :o I didn't know that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!exclamationpoint

Pikachu!

DT: -sigh- And that's the end of that one, too.

IM: Seriously, you guys, write more chapters. To make fun of.

HEY GUESS WHAT NOVEMBER IS.

2009-11-01T09:15:00.000-08:00

Got an answer?

It's National Novel Writing Month!multipleexclamationpoints!

I, Dextrose Theguy have taken the challenge!

50,000 words in 30 days. Yeah. So, there goes any chance at having a life for the next month. But then, that was never an option.

This is when I leave a link, I guess.

Bleah!

Review: StarFox: Assault

2009-10-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

rated T for fantasy violence and Krystal is way hot

You know, before this game, the only shooter I had actually enjoyed was Chex Quest (and Halo, if the other players were also willing to dork around). And Dark Forces, I guess. In any case, it's one of the few. Probably because I only have to do the shooter part half the time, and the rest of the time it's a flight simulator.

It's one of those rare third-person shooters. And for good reason. You don't want /anything/ to get in the way while you're trying to see, especially if that's you. The enemies were big enough for that not to be much of a problem, I guess, and with all the rolling, I'd really get thrown off. Maybe that's the reason I liked it so much. Why aren't the characters in shooters agile? Why can't you see the shots coming and get a chance to dodge? Assault really delivered for me.

Then there's the whole reason I wanted it in the first place: the flight. It's so refreshing, after Star Wars Battlefront, to have a ship that can take a hit, and that can hit other ships. Some missions have you kind of maneuver around a canned course, and that was still fun. My favorites, though, were the ones where I could fly my Arwing however I wanted. Those also tended to include my favorite vehicle, the Landmaster, and also some of the regular type shooting. Landing the Arwing was the main problem.

The only thing that was really missing was a "delegate" button. Just when you start getting on a roll, one of your teammates will yell "Help me, Fox!" and you have to drop what you're doing, run to a tank (or already be in a worthy vehicle, in most cases, but that's not the point) and quickly learn how to shoot with one of those things. Fox should be able to look up and say, "Come on, you guys. Krystal, take care of Slippy." Also, it was really short, and it kind of felt odd that they waited to heap on the challenge until the final mission.

I haven't really tried multiplayer much, but I know Slippy is my favorite character. He's slow, but great with a Landmaster, and his shots charge really fast. But if we're dogfighting, I'm probably gonna go with Falco, because Slippy is a joke in an Arwing.

As long as nobody gets one of those heatseekers of one-hit kill*, multiplayer's fine.

4.7 urns out of 5. Or was my system out of four? I should change it to out of four. And only be able to do increments of half. Okay. 3.5 urns out of 4. Thank you, goodbye.

*+3?

Fanfiction?

2009-09-25T20:33:00.000-07:00

I have recently had to face a weird moral dilemma. I have this weird urge to start writhing stuff on everybody's favorite Fanfiction.net. And should I do so, how seriously should I take it?

As most of us do, I regard the site with disgust, distaste, and dis...uh, entery. And writing fanfiction is something I look down upon most of the time. The other half of the time, I write a crappy chapter, throw it on the blog, and wait as the urge to write subsides. Then I end up regretting it. And regretting not knowing how to delete posts.

I guess while Fanfiction.net is against all my morals, I can find other sites that do similar things. I heard about this place, Deviantart or some such. If I use that, I can sound emo instead of, uh, losery. Or whatever the stereotype happens to be at this time.

But then again, I always regret writing the stuff. I shouldn't set up any obligations to write; that's a /bad/ idea. Because at the time of my writing, the urge is building, but my morals still remain. If I had any more encouragement to write, I'd probably be pushed off the deep end.

Uh..

Uhh...

Eh, what the heck. I'll do it. Fire up Google! Fire up the Pokédex!

...Then again this is a terrible idea.

While I'm here...

2009-09-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I've been sick for the past few days, with nothing to do but play old Xbox games. But, you know, no worries there. This is basically behind-the-scenes for the previous posts. Well, this paragraph is, at least. And behind-the-scenes for this post, I guess.

I milked Fable II for all it was worth, and then some. I tried to play Fable I, but the Xbox 360 refused to save and crashed every fifteen minutes, which is short enough to not quite have fun, but long enough to stop me from trying again. Then, of course, there was Sonic Heroes and Halo. Fortunately, there was a good game somewhere in the pile. I called it Jade Empire. 'Cause that was its name.

Set in some kind of Asian place (China or something?), it apparently infuriates Japanese Culture Gregs everywhere. Thankfully, I simply watch one anime show sometimes, so I was allowed to enjoy it. It has a couple odd things about it, like how all the characters are really shiny. And the accents (or lack thereof) kind of seem strange in the beginning, but then you realize everything they're saying is being translated, right?

Uhm... yes.

As a gamernerd who is not as experienced as most, I don't realize that the plot is full of what is known as "clichés" and I am allowed to enjoy that, too.

One concern is the battle system gets kind of easy once you've trained up your styles enough. Remember that the game isn't getting easier, but that you, as a gamer, are an expert. If you really want challenge, though, you can raise the difficulty anytime. Or lower it, if you're not so great. A nice thing is that the difficulty that would normally be called "Normal" is called "Master". It makes you feel even better about your elite skills.

I don't even know how much game is left and I already want to replay it. That should say something about the, uh... value thereof. Of replaying. Yeah.

Ah, yes. Another problem would be that when you learn new styles, you don't want to train them up, because that would mean taking attention from your current styles that you're mastering. I kinda want to use Legendary Strike, but it would do next to nothing at this point in the game unless I put all my style points into training it. Which I don't want to do, because it would still be weaker than the rest of my styles.

Of course, it's got the main thing every game seems to need, one o' them anthropomorphic dual-tailed foxes. Several of 'em, actually. I don't know what the deal is. Other demons include Cobar's good twin brother, who seems to have yet another evil twin.

Yeah, I recommend it. All sorts of butt-kicking, both literal and otherwise. And butt-punching, but let's not go there.

My Least Favorite Games: From Crappy to Overhyped

2009-09-14T09:17:00.000-07:00

Mortimer Johnson:

You're gonna have to face it, Sonic the Hedgehog. Your switch from the second dimension was very ill-advised. An example of this crap: Sonic Heroes.

You see, I prefer the type of game where I don't have to wonder, "Wait. What does this button do /now?/" I like to not have to push buttons two or three times to get the team configuration the way I want it, and I'm not gonna blame myself for it. A true gamer never blames himself.

Honestly, it doesn't look like much teamwork is actually involved. Only one character at a time can actually do stuff, while the other two grab onto his or her legs, or mysteriously learn to run a lot faster. There isn't an I in team, is there? Also, I think the inactive team members should be more than deadweight, or projectiles on occasion.

Also, I like how being flung into a robot doesn't hurt, but walking into it makes you lose every single hard-earned ring. That's the worst part right there. They want you to do all your messing up in the beginning, while the level /should/ grow increasingly difficult. Doing splendidly the whole time and make a tiny slip-up at the end is /worse/ than messing up in the beginning when everything's easy.

While I'm here, Master Chief, you have a lot of explaining to do yourself. Did you think you got away unnoticed with your wannabe Samus suit? Well, since you haven't gotten sued, I guess you did.

Halo was made for multiplayer. With the recharging shields and all, you have to have enemies that'll keep on you instead of cluelessly standing around when they can't see you. Maybe some of them might, but I didn't see any in the first level of Halo II on Easy, and that's really all I have to judge you on, but then that's where beginners start, and the game should catch their attention there.

As a rebuttal, I'm vaguely interested in the plot, but it's not worth going through the game for.

That's me, the master of old news.

Clearing things up once again!

2009-08-26T18:09:00.000-07:00

So apparently there's been some confusion about our illustrious staff. "Every post ends with 'posted by Dextrose,' but the post seems to be written by someone else," except whinier. Well, see, I, Dextrose, was the first to get this blog idea. That's why it's The Legend of Dextrose and not The Ballad of Kaylie or something.

Oh. Kaylie isn't on our staff list. Yeah, she's Mort's otherdimensional girlfriend. It sounds lame, but their love literally started tearing the universe apart, so she lives on Earth now.

Where was I?

So, the others wanted to blog, and we discussed the odds of becoming Internet celebrities. We decided it'd be best to pool our efforts. Somebody who was not a genius (I'm not saying names coughPatsycough) suggested to save space on the Interwebs, we should all share the same account. In an attempt to make fun of him, we used the idea.

We haven't found out what happens if two of us try to log in at the same time. I guess we just don't blog enough for that.

While I'm here, I'll clear up some more facts. Mort and Danny are /not/ the same person. Mort is an /avid/ gamer who lives in Salt Lake City with Patsy and Cassie. Er, not in the same house. I think I made that sound like they lived in the same house. The kind of gamer who plays games that haven't even been released, learning Japanese so he can play games before they're translated to English. Danny, on the other hand, lives in Provo on a much lamer Earth. The one without any kind of real magic. I kinda pity those guys.

Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy: Episode... 5?

2009-08-11T21:17:00.000-07:00

Dextrose Theguy: Yeah, I fired the knave in charge of keeping track of those numbers. Now, I simply keep a general-work-stuff knave.

Izzy: Dex, you never had anybody to do your stuff except me.

DT: You only speak when spoken to, knave!

I: Ohhh...

DT: No, no, I'm a joke. The journey to the ultimate spork is gonna need all of our, uh... combined effort stuff.

I: Statement about teamwork?

DT: Yeah. Oughta have you on my side, right?

I: You certainly don't want me against you.

DT: Oh, it's not like I couldn't--uh, finish the sentence.

I: /end menacing glare

DT: Anyways, today I found someone fulfilling all my wishes in a spork! Real, natural bad writing, flame threats...

I: What?

DT: Flame threats?

I: Yeah, uh, what?

DT: Oh... she says WARNING: Don't flame me.

I: This isn't flaming.

DT: No, of course not. And it's not like she'll ever track us down here.

I: We can hope.

DT: ...Aaand probably self-insert.

I: Shall we get this party started, then?

DT: Party? In /there?/

I: Oh. Right.

Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy is sponsored by:

-a brief pause, that our hosts may breathe clean air-

Souldragon12, author of The Legend of Zelda: Passage of Soul

SUMMARY:

A girl whose name is Zelda for no real reason poofs from our world into Hyrule, also for no real reason. Her mom is actually Latias. Yes, the Pokémon. This is the Twilight Princess Hyrule, so when she enters the twilight (or, in this case, "nether-light") she switches to her beast form, right? It's a fox. A white fox. With two tails, yet again for no real reason. She rescues Link and Midna from some souped-up Shadow Beasts, hurts herself a lot, and fights a bunch of bosses.

IN-DEPTH SPORK:

Disclaimer: I do not own The Legend of Zelda or Pokemon Mystery Dungeon

DT: Wait... what? I don't think I clicked on the crossover section.

I: Brian protect us.

DT: What? This is gonna be better than we thought. Or worse, and therefore accidentally funnier. Yes?

My name is Zelda Galesten.

I: Wow. Somebody call the creativity police.

DT: /I'm/ the law, remember?

I: Note the word "creativity."

DT: Oww...

As for looks, think Saria, only older and hotter with Malon's hair-style.

I: Ah, the classic--

DT: Hey, check me out! I got the copy-paste working!

I: What'd you do?

DT: I dunno.

I: It looks kinda crappy now, though.

DT: So? We're gonna save, like, /minutes/ of time!

I: Anyway, as I was saying, it's the classic I-look-like-a-celebrity-only-different.

DT: Strangely, I can't think what the heck that would look like. Oh, wait... No, nothing.

Virgina

DT: Wow. I feel sorry for the people who live there.

I: What?

DT: Well, if they live up to their name...

I: Wha--oh. Dex...

old myths and the super natrual

I: Seeing as I have no idea what /normal/ natrual is like...

so I'm suck at home...

DT: Tee hee hee hee. Ee hee hee hee!

...with nothing to do, except playing Twilight Princess and Pokemon.

DT: Lucky...

I: Dex, what about your job?

DT: I only need to slay dragons, like, once a week.

And no flames or smarty pants crap!

I: Why would one /want/ to crap one's smarty pants?

DT: Some people are babies...

I: Yes, but babies are incapable of being smart.

DT: That's true. Hey, and you can say that, 'cause it's not like we're gonna offend any babies.

I: And it's not like it's not a fact.

Disclaimer: You know I already said I own NOTHING!

DT: Oh, good. Is she gonna put one of these at the beginning of each chapter?

I: It would seem so.

DT: Doesn't your very /presence/ on Fanfiction.net imply you don't own your story?

I: Something like that. But I think it's even more overzealous lawyer defense. Can't be too safe from lawyers.

“ Ms Glasesten!”, my teacher... called.

DT: Oh, it's one of those names even your teacher can't pronounce.

Did I mention that NOBODY in my entire school likes me?

DT: Why am I not surprised?

Now I would problobly be know as ‘The girl who cried algebra’ in the year book...

DT: Hey, that's a good title. I want that title.

I: Uhh...

DT: Except it'll be the guy. Dextrose Theguy who cried algebra. Sha-wingg!

right on top of my repution as the biggest Pokemon and Legend of Zelda geek of all time.

DT: Dang! I want that title, too!

I: -facepalm-

[string of expletives]

DT: Number one: Why would I be carrying poop in the first place, and two: no matter how cute it is, why would I kiss it?

Take This Quiz: What Do You Smell Like to Edward Cullen?

I: Say what?

DT: Tee hee hee.

I: Oh. Dex, that's an ad banner.

DT: It's still hilarious.

NOTE: I might switch from first to third so bear with me

DT: What? First to third what? Third base?

I: Eww, no. Third person.

DT: Say what?

I: First person is from the character's eyes, third means you follow the character.

DT: Oh, like first-person shooters! This is gonna be good!

I: Wha--no, not like--argh. Excuse my edutainment.

Vicky left me alone after I told her that the next time she’d put on her uniform, it would be two sizes too small.

DT: I'm sure this is naughty, but I can't figure out what it is.

Well, this is the part where I’d get sucked into the TP world.

I: Oh yeah SPOILERS

DT: You don't put spoilers inside the story.

I: I think she tried foreshadowing.

DT: Uh, Souldragon? NOO GOOD!

black Ninendo GameCube

DT: Oh no, I must be emo.

I: Dex, lots of people have black GameCubes. Besides, it's already been established she's a nerd/geek.

I heard phone the ring.

DT: And I cried out, "Where my hat is at?"

I lost my gaming sprit.

DT: Blasphemy!

So, I got my sorry [bottomus] up and turned it off.

DT: Why was it on in the first place? And what, exactly, does that mean?

I: Oh, it's Pet Peeve #88: Dreams and flashbacks in italics for no real reason.

DT: Actually, I think that's--

I: I don't care if it's right! I hate it!

"...thou shall meet ye destiny…..”

DT: Check me out. Normally I put excerpts in italics, but it was already in italics, so now it's in /not/ italics!

I: -pushes him out of the way- Pet Peeve #89: people who try to speak Olde Tyme English and don't know how.

DT: Oh, come on, Izz. Ye belongs in every Olde Tyme sentence.

I: Pet Peeve #90: People who think /that./

DT: Ohh...

DT: Ah, man. I was hoping for some mystical, uh... something. Y'know, reasons to suddenly find Zelly in an alternate universe other than "It is your destiny." Or "ye destiny," in this case.

“ Most of the time when we think we are alone, we are really not. Why would we feel alone when we are surrounded by the ones we truly care about?”

I: Ah, the obligatory spirit, god, or dragon with sage-type advice.

DT: Except her parents /weren't/ around. Thanks a lot, Ordona.

Six Elements

I: I can see we're not talking about the Periodic Table here, but I can only think of four.

DT: Fire, water, earth, wind, dark, light.

I: Wha--

DT: She shoulda made it eight and thrown in, like, moon and wood or something. Also, she should split earth into ground, grass, and rock, add steel--

I: Ahem.

Nerther-light

I: Sounds like a combination of northern and nether.

DT: Aurora of DOOM.

I: Dex, I don't think you even know what nether means.

DT: Well... not as such, but it's one of those words, you know? Secret, legend, tale...

I: Ah. Stock fantasy words.

DT: Yes.

There was a flash of liquid gold light.

DT: Oh. That sounds... tasty?

I knew how to read Unown.

DT: Oh, wow. Once again, I am jealous.

“ Oh gate that block my entery……"

DT: "/WHAT??/" said the gate.

“ OH HOLY MOTHER OF SH-!”

DT: By all means, finish your expletive. The one that comes to mind makes no sense, so let's hear yours.

I: Wouldn't any female who poops be one of those? Just not a holy one?

DT: I was thinking more along the lines of some kind of title in a religion centered around poop.

“ I’d wish could get across this fog…..”

DT: "Who the [helm] is I'd Wish?" Zelly cried.

Then, the twilight runes on my body turned from bronze, to green and they started to glow the same color.

DT: Wait... didn't you just... never mind.

“……..Did…….. Did I do this? …….."

DT: -drowns-

I: Good gravy! You only need three!

DT: Lives remaining: 2.

The wolf turned his head and gave me a wet lick on my face.

DT: Aw, come on. Why does everybody have to make Link an utter moron?

DT: I wonder when the whole Unown thing is gonna come into play.

“ HACK! HACK!"

I: I should probably mention that she was supposed to be choking, not saying hack.

“ Link, is that a fox with two tails?” she asked.

DT: Did she say anything about Sonic the Hedgehog in her disclaimers?

I: No, Zelly's the fox. Remember? The white dual-tailed fox?

DT: ...Yes?

I: What's so great about foxes?

DT: Especially ones with multiple tails?

“ I think so. But what’s she doing in a place like this?”

DT: Yeah. Seriously. Go find Sonic, you twit!

“ Of course I can see you, I not dumb!”

DT: "I beg to differ," Midna mumbled.

before I forget this whole chapt was recreated by Envoyshadow who really hepled me out.

DT: Oof. Good thing I didn't see it /before./

Link flustered a bit and did the anime fall on his face.

I: Dex?

DT: I'm fairly certain she didn't mean anime, and even if she did, I'm not a Japanese-culture-type nerd!

I: Just regular type?

DT: No, gamernerd.

Right now I had two choices, I could die right then and there, or I could howl for help. I decided it was best to howl.

DT: O.O You're a genius!

“ Well, I think you owe us now little fox,” said Midna smugly with her crooked smile.

DT: Uh, no she doesn't. She just rescued you guys. That means there is no debt, right?

“ YOU HAVE COME TO CHALLNAGE ME TO THE DEATH?!”

DT: No, not as such, but...

“ Yes. We have come to fight to the death!”

DT: What?

“ ...IF YOU SCUCCEED IN SUCH A DEED, WHAT IS YOUR REQUEST!?"

DT: /What?/

“ If we win, Faron, then you must let me heal your Light Soul, and allow me to lift this Nether-light,” Zelly barked

DT: Okay, so they're planning on killing him, and then healing his soul?

I: Fat lot of good that's gonna do.

DT: Ooh! Does that mean they get a Faron mask?

I: What?

Of course my complaints were ignored by the corrupted Spirit as he made his entrance by basting the tainted, smelly water all over the da[r]ned place.

I: I'm pretty sure basting is--

DT: Pouring juices on stuff while cooking to keep it moist.

I: ...some... kinda cooking thing. Why the heck do you--

DT: NO REASON!

AWESOME AS HEL[M]!!!

I: I personally see that place as the opposite of awesome.

The thing was going to choke the life out of her if someone doesn't do something!

I: That's when, without warning, I switched to the present tense!

“ Hyrule was once known as a place where the creatures known as the Pokemon lived."

DT: Oh holy Brian. Knave, copy-paste this whole story.

I: My name is Isabel, and we'd never get away with that.

Zelda, you are Latias’ chosen descendent.”

DT: Discussion time! I don't think legendaries reproduce, and if they did, how the heck would a descendant be human?

I: Well, when a man and a--

DT: That's not what I meant! I-- Hey, I think... that makes sense, but eww.

First of all, I end up in the Zelda universe and find out that Pokemon are real....or I think their real.

DT: Because I /knew/ Zelda was real.

“ So I’m Latias’ descendent? But how?” I questioned.

DT: That's what I'd like to know.

“ It is not my place to tell you."

DT: Oh, come /on!/

ginned crookedly

I: Had a bit too much to drink there?

Then the twilight runes on Zelly started to shimmer in liquid gold.

DT: Oh no! She's melting!

“That’s a red fox, you Deku Stick,"

DT: You gotta hand it to her, that's a pretty good insult.

I: Shut up, Deku Stick. Oh yeah, that feels really good.

Link and I had to our best to avoid them lest we want to both in up in Hyrule castle.

I: WHAT.

"I'm well aware of that Link. But I have to. My life is really nothing in the battle to free Hyrule of corruption and sorrow," she whined softly. My mouth dropped. Did she just say something wise?

DT: Not really.

I: Wasn't she, like, the key to saving Hyrule and all that?

curved piece of brown crap

I: All crap is brown.

DT: 'Cept for the green ones. And the occasional corny--

I: Shut up, Deku Stick! Whoo!

DT: Am I allowed to facepalm? Or is that your job?

I: You didn't just do something stupid.

DT: I--never mind.

"Yeah. I'm OK, thanks for the save." she said. Link smiled. "No problem. Call it even for saving our butts from that cage back in Faron Woods."

DT: If you were to ask me, you've /been/ even.

"It was the girl blessed with her mother's Soul Force."

DT: Whoa, whoa! So now Latisomething is her /mom?/

I: That's /way/ different than ancient ancestor. I've no clue how her genes got the way they are, but I'm gonna guess she's sterile.

DT: Oh. Says Latias "took on the form of a human."

I: That might almost work, except for the fact that--

DT: Shut up, you Deku Stick! Yess!

Eldin-Sama

DT: Oh, great. Zelly's getting all Japanese culture on us.

-they abscond-

New Gamernerd Stuph

2009-08-01T19:55:00.000-07:00

Huh. Mort Johnson has the same initials as Michael Jackson.

IN ANY CASE.

You know that E3 thing that happened, like, a month or two ago? We finally have a report on it. Well, we at least have a compilation of Mort's and Danny's most wanted games.

Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Sky

Yup. It's official. The plot is the same as Time/Darkness. In fact, most of the game seems to be the same. Just, like, an expansion pack. But then, it's an expansion of my favorite game ever, so...

Scribblenauts

Don't think too hard. It starts to blow your mind when you think about all the datums that they have to be putting into this thing. Write anything (or any child-friendly noun) and it appears in-game for you to mess around with. The only thing to worry about is everything's gonna distract you from the main game. But, then, the real point of a game is to have fun, and if just messing around is fun... you know? Kicks butt either way.

Super Mario Galaxy 2

I can't believe some people think this was a mistake by Nintendo. When has making a sequel to a great game been a bad move, especially a Mario game? Come on, think about it. Super Mario Bros. 1, 2, and 3; Super Mario World 1 and 2 (or something like that), and so forth. And then it's with Yoshi, and harder... I'm always up for a challenge. As long as it's not a dumb-type one.

New Super Mario Bros. Wii

Omg. (pronounced AHMG.) It's the game we've been waiting for all our lives: four player simultaneous Mario. What else can I say?

This is why they need jobs. Also, neither of them have their hands on Okami yet.

Please disregard the fact that they completely ignored non-Nintendo-type games. This was, after all, a list of the games they want. This was not intended to be full coverage. Duh.

Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Nerdiness

2009-07-10T00:38:00.000-07:00

In case there are some overzealous lawyers around, I DON'T OWN YOUR CRAP, OKAY? Oh, wait, except it's not crap or I wouldn't be borrowing some, would I? Though some would borrow crap. That's not me, though.

In more legalese terms, I do not own any of the games I make reference to or anything, nor am I so much as affiliated with them.

PMcC:

One of our greatest wishes as gamers is an opportunity to go pro. For some weird reason, people would rather watch football on television than Soul Calibur and such. Well, barring that, we look for an opportunity for our staggering knowledge of trivia to come in handy.

Well, when you're pretty much a god (and that, my children, is a discussion for another day), you tend to get your wishes in some way or another. And sometimes your friends get involved.

I guess it all started with another accident at the mad scientists'. Those seem to happen quite a bit. She still trusts us, for some reason. "Just don't touch anything!" Honestly, Flux, what else is there to do here?

Honestly, I'm beginning to think it's a bad thing that she trusts us, as she's working on fabric-of-reality type stuff.

Knocking down the huge, blinking-lights thingy couldn't hurt, could it? Especially since the batteries didn't seem to be inside it? "But then," said Mort, "How is it blinking?" Thankfully, we managed to cover our tracks and get the helm out of there before Flux showed up.

Right now, I'm trying to think of my decision to run as a blessing instead of a curse...

It was a typical day at Edward Teach High. Y'know, nothing fun that should be, and something odd like English being the best thing ever. But still, you end up looking forward to lunch all day. Except after it, of course, when you look forward to tonight's Guitar Hero party.

Gotta have the cliques in a stereotypical high school setting. You know, preps, jocks, emos, girls who are way hot but probably total jerks. Can't think of the word you would typically use for thems. I was glad I didn't look like a nerd/geek, the conglomerate that had to be made because of increasingly small numbers, since our territory (i.e. table) was at the end of the room. There was probably jeering and all that. Or maybe everybody's too self-absorbed to care. I noticed Mort and Cassie didn't seem emotionally scarred.

In fact, I realized as I sat, Mort was the only one who looked all that nerdy. And that was pretty much just the glasses.

Mort took a break from simultaneously eating a sandwich and playing Pokémon to do the secret handshake. All the best groups have to have those, I tried to reassure myself as I glanced self-consciously about. Luckily, he and Cassie were too locked in epic combat to notice.

Deciding it best not to disturb them, I ate in silence for a while, regarding other nerds busy playing their Yu-Gi-Oh and Magic: The Gathering and, on the far end, Dungeons and Dragons. Basically too focused to have a conversation with. Socializing was tough today without a DS, deck, or very special piece of paper.

One game ended with a frustrated sigh and a triumphant laugh. Mort gave his famous line: "What kind of self-respecting trainer uses potions?"

"Yeah," Cassie jokingly agreed, "Or EV training, or breeding, or far too many vitamins."

"At least I fight with honor."

"At least I fight with power!" she laughed, taking a swig of chocolate milk.

I managed to stop Mort before he managed to start playing his dejected game of Dr. Mario. "How's it going?"

He looked surprised. "How do you think? I just got my butt kicked. You wouldn't believe the Special Defense on Cassie's--"

I rephrased the question. "How is your life outside the virtual plane?"

He had to think for a moment. "Well, I've been a little worried that Flux is gonna invent a death ray and need test subjects."

"I don't think she knows about the last one yet."

A loud beeping silenced the room. We kind of learned our lessons that time when they turned the intercom way up to be heard and we were deaf for the rest of the day. Not fun.

"Attention, students."

Yeah, why bother? You've got it.

"Please do not be alarmed."

Fire drill.

"This is not a drill."

Excitement sparked up. A real fire?

"The school is now under quarantine."

Better not be a real fire. But with our staff...

"The cooties virus--"

Uh-oh.

"--has made a sudden reappearance."

As long as we're quarantining the virus out...

The principal's voice... changed in some way. I couldn't quite make it out right then. "Inside the school."

The entire school broke into screams of "Oh, crap!" and similar.

Laughter. I hoped it was of the oh-man-this-is-gonna-hurt-best-case-scenario variety. "Fortunately, there are enough biohazard suits--"

Phew.

"--for me."

No, that was evil laughter.

"I have to thank the local mad scientist for the mutant variation. I hope there are at least 493 of you."

What was that supposed to mean? And why did that number seem so familiar? Wasn't the local mad scientist Flux? Didn't she teach Basic Mad Science class here?

As the school erupted into general chaos, Mort answered one of the questions I hadn't actually asked out loud. "493. There are 493 Pokémon..."

"What a coincidence?" Cassie said hopefully.

"I don't think so. Just don't ask." I sighed, mentally preparing myself for the horrors ahead. "Mort, this is partly your fault."

"What?" he demanded.

I corrected myself. "I mean, if my theory's correct."

That seemed to be a relief. I wondered what that could mean.

Mort, Cassie, and I banded together. All the rest of the nerd/geek clique were "too old for that stuff" to listen to us. Originally, we thought we should meet in the Mad Science classroom, but then we remembered Flux's odd behavior recently and decided on the band room. No one would take refuge there.

I took charge. I had a tendency to when Tracy wasn't around. "So, Mort," I said, hitting my most authoritative pose, "any exits open?"

He scoffed. "I told you it was a dumb idea. Angry mobs have already tried all of 'em. And they seem to be unbreakable."

"Cooties is probably going fast," I muttered. "Cass--what did I send you to do again?"

"Mad Science room is locked. No sign of Flux."

"Hmm." I wanted to say "good," but I wasn't sure this was good. "Either of you infected yet?"

Mort checked his hand. "Not that I can tell."

"I think I'd notice," said Cassie.

"That's good," I said. "Okay, let's go over it again. No way out, no way to get to Flux, no way to the principal. But I refuse to just let us sit here until we have to resort to cannibalism."

"It'll only kind of be cannibalism by the time we're through," said Cassie.

"As long as I don't get Nidoqueen, I think I'm good," said Mort.

"Could that happen?"

"Maybe. I don't--"

"It didn't happen with the pandemic."

"Yeah, well, there were only, like, three Pokémon in the pandemic. Hardly a reasonable--"

"Will you two stop talking about it like it's inevitable?" I yelled.

"Will you stop pretending it isn't?" Cassie replied, much calmer than I was. "Look, I'm thinking we can wait, and then figure a way to escape with our new powers."

"Also, I better not get Magikarp or Chikorita or Goldeen, or, like, Jynx--"

I massaged my temples, groaning quietly. "No, escape isn't an option, either. Then it would spread."

"Would it really be that bad, a world of Pokémon?" Cassie asked, sounding as philosophical as she could.

"Yes," was the short answer. "You remember the pandemic? Think that, but superpowered."

She had an excellent imagination. I could see her horror clearly as she said, "I see."

"I'm hoping, say, Bulbasaur. Though I guess Butterfree wouldn't be that bad, even if it is girly, 'cause it can learn some--"

"Shut up, Mortimer!" I snapped. "I think I have a decent plan now."

"Well, let's hear it then!" said Mort, clearly ticked off.

I pushed back my anger. A leader was stronger than this. "Okay. We need a cure, and we can't leave and spread it, even if we could. This kind of stuff couldn't be done by a normal scientist; we need a mad one. That's Flux. I don't care what just happened; she's our only hope right now."

Mort was stunned. He didn't expect logic from me. I guess I get that way when I'm stressed.

"Can we wait a while, though?" Cassie asked. "I wanna try out the Pokémon thing for a little while. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity."

"You might be Jynx."

The sheer horror of this paralyzed her. All except for her mouth, I guess. "Right. Let's get to it."

This is the end of side 1. To continue listening to "PMD: EoN," please fast-forward to the end of the tape and flip it over.

The Biggest Spell in History

2009-06-26T17:14:00.000-07:00

DH:
Jellian* hero Connor the Dragonslayer was among the thousands of spellcasters who teleported the city of Battleon earlier today.

A week ago, mage Warlic had a disturbing vision, in which Drakath selected his next Lord of Chaos. Or should I say, next two Lords of Chaos. Or should I say, /Ladies/ of Chaos.

In any case, they advised Drakath to use his surprisingly vast power to pull two meteorites out of space into Battleon, the hub of Lore.

Basically, bad news all around.

Connor attended the meeting of Lore's leading mages. "They had all sorts of ludicrous ideas," he said, "and I was like, 'hey, why don't we just move Battleon?' and they came up with dumb ways of doing that, and I said, 'guys, seriously, we could just teleport it or something.' Yeah, basically, I have the best ideas."

Teleporting or something takes a ridiculous amount of magical power. Therefore, it couldn't possibly be done without a ridiculous number of mages. Though not technically a mage himself, Connor agreed to help.

"Mages are lame," Connor said, "but I'm training as a healer so I can start training under Artix as a paladin."

After battling an estimated million elementals for a magical catalyst known as Flux†, Connor and every magic user of every kind in Lore gathered around Battleon for the final spellcasting.

To make a long story short, Battleon is safe now... but not as safe as everyone would hope. For the rest, you'll have to visit here.

Thank you, and good night.

*adj. From or made in the Kingdom of Jell
†No, not the mad scientist.
The Legend of Dextrose and its staff are not responsible for any slightly inaccurate information.

Post Numba 30: Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy and Sucrose and Daxton

2009-06-12T19:36:00.000-07:00

Dextrose: Our thirtieth post! Truly, a cause for celebration!
Izzy: Yes. Well, hold the party mix. It's best we visit fanfiction.net on empty stomachs.
Dextrose: Oh. 'Cause the first bucket's already empty.
Izzy: How do--
Dextrose: Anyways, as the title suggests, today's sporktastic adventures happen to have a couple special guest stars: My little bro, Sucrose, and his friend, Dax. Whose name is /not/ Dex.
Sucrose: It's Daxton.
Dextrose: Okay. Well, uh, since we're all about innovation here at The Legend of Dextrose, we've come up with this time-saving thingy-thing. Abbreviation!
Izzy: What?
Dextrose: The question you were /supposed/ to ask was "how does it work?"
Izzy: Fine.
D: Like this! Now we can--
I: Dex, Dax has the same first initial.
D: Hmm... last names? How many of us have those?
D: I know! Let's put Dex as DE and Dax as DA.
D: That's dumb. I say first and last initial. I am now DT and I don't think the rest of you /have/ last names.
D: -flips DT off-
I: Nope.
S: Hey, what about me?
DT: Oh, fine, you can be ST, then.
~~Izzy~~ I: All right. This show needs to be getting on some roads.
DT: All right, men! And kittygirl. Team pose! Hwaa!
D: -flips off audience- By the way, this is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
DT: That ain't a pose, Dax.

Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy and Sucrose and Daxtonis sponsored by:
andrhats, author of Soul Mates.

DT: Soul Mates. The perfect generic title. 76 freakin' chapters of Zelda badness.
I: You can't know that yet.
DT: Yeah, guess not. Well, you may now consider this party started.
Chapter 1: Moonlit Night
DT: ...and a perfectly generic chapter title. Aren't they supposed to, like, give a brief description of the proceeding chapter?
D: -chews-
ST: Where'd you find that?
D: Lake Hylia. There are /lots/ of fish.
DT: ...Fish?
I: Hey, amateurs. We're supposed to be focusing on the story?
DT: And the accidental insinuendos.
I: -muttering- Quit being a bad influence.
ST: MEH!!!
DT: Anyways,
The moon rose over Lake Hylia, casting its pale light over the land.
DT: Dag. Usually there's something to make fun of in the first sentence.
the stage was set for the night's concert.
DT: First paragraph's close enough. Can anyone say, "Bad metaphor?"
I: I dunno. To some people, cricket chirps and wave splashes can sound musical.
DT: Yeah, well some people are utter loonies.
ST: Bad metaphor.
naked
DT: Whoo! Good job, Link! Second paragraph!
I: Dex, it was a metaphor about a tree.
D: Yeah, too bad. -winks at Izzy-
I: What's that supposed to mean?
perfection
I: And there we go again. "Perfect" should never describe a character's aspect.
DT: Especially the face, breasts, or butt.
ST: THIS ISN'T TWILIGHT!!!!!
He was wearing a dark blue exoskeleton
DT: Tee hee hee hee hee hee! Exoskeleton is just the funniest word!
ST: Wait. He's a bug?
Truth to be told,
I: Ha! The messing up of a common phrase!
stripping him of his ruined tunic
DT: Wait for it, wait for it! That's not even the good part!
and leggings.
D: First base!
DT: Dude, I think that's, like, fourth.
there was something about the golden-haired youth that was so alluring...
DT: Okay, time for a few things I don't get. Number one: Supposedly Sheik-Zelda is male. Number two: Supposedly he is gay.
I: Think about it. If you turned into a guy occasionally, you'd be gay too.
DT: No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have any turning into to do anyway.
D: Yeah, we're all guys here except for you.
Whimpering, the hero drank greedily of the bottle, wincing at the taste.
DT: Is it just me, or does that sentence not go together at all?
ST: /I/ agree.
DT: Also, is he still nakers?
D: No, he is wearing bandages.
DT: But what I'm saying is, did his tenders get hurt?
I: Aaaugh! Cleanse! Cleanse!
D: Teh heh heh.
He had seen the Hero once when they were both young boys.
DT: Hold on, what? Either I missed something when I played Ocarina of Time, or Andrew McHats thinks the sheik and Zelda are two different people.
I: Didn't you... not beat that one?
DT: Ssh!
The little, glowing, blue creature had been missing when the Hero had arrived.
DT: -eyes light up- Could it be...?
I: Is she...?
"Hero," the Sheikah said softly, "Where is your fairy?"
DT: The suspense is killing me...
teleport Sheik inside the Water Temple.
DT: Oh, good idea. Leave naked Link all alone.
ST: He'll be fine.
DT: But what if some hot chicks find him?
He huffed, annoyed that he had gotten wet.
I: Whadda you want? It /is/ the Water Temple.
The whole point of teleporting inside was to prevent himself getting wet.
DT: -snickers-
Her little body shone brightly even in death.
DT: What a relief! Now, whatever you do, don't play the Song of Healing!
Warning: This story will contain slash
I: But... but... Sheik is Zelda, isn't she... it? Something?
DT: /Now/ you tell me. Three words: What. The. Crap.
I: Um, so, brain bleach is getting expensive these days. Can we quit here, then?
The Hero's condition
I: WWHYYYYYYYYYY?
DT: We gotta give our fans some stuff to chew on.
I: I don't think they want to chew on it!
had not changed
I: Please! PLEEASE!
DT: Look, I'm not budging, so quit while you're ahead.
Surely the Hero did not like Sheik enough that it would cripple him if the Sheikah got hurt.
DT: -whimpering- Please no?
I: Hold on, I thought you liked making gay jokes.
DT: That's only when they're unintentionally /seeming/ gay.
"No...please don't...don't kill her...Navi..."
DT: Feh. I, for one, would consider that cause for celebration.
I: What? Dex, his--
DT: There was this one time when I thought I shot her with my slingshot, and then she reappeared.
I: Surely you didn't--
DT: I was kinda worried for a little while, thinking she might actually come in handy later, but I have an excuse. I had only just started playing.
I: Uh...
The exoskeleton had absorbed quite a bit of water
DT: Tee hee hee hee! That's /still/ the funniest word ever!
and had soaked Sheik to the bone.
I: Wait... exoskeletons are made of bone.
D: Maybe it was made of fake bone!
I: Even so, it wouldn't take much to soak to it.
He tried to remember how the song went... eleven notes.
DT: Really? -whistles and counts-
Everyone: ...
DT: Yeah, he's right. Dag.
Ingo... grinning evilly
DT: Aw, come on. He's not /that/ bad/.
ST: Yes he was. He wouldn't let me have the horse!
DT: Perhaps, but did you ever see an evil grin? It was more like a crazed stare.
ST: -grumbles-
Chapter 3: Poison and Fire
I: Finally, a real chapter title.
DT: Honestly...
I: Unfortunately, if you think about it for more than half a second, it gives the whole chapter away.
The Hero
The Hero
The Hero
DT: Geeze, you guys, it's Chapter 3 and they /still/ aren't calling him Link yet?
ST: Yeah, well people who write fanfic often fail at such things.
DT: Yup yuppers. Some time we're gonna have to find somebody who /really/ doesn't know how to write. Strangely enough, there don't seem to be any in the games fanfiction section. Could that possibly mean that--
I: Nah.
Evil King
Evil King
DT: Also, he's Ganondorf. I really hope you spell it incorrectly when you finally write it.
"There's a bottle he needs to drink and ointment that must be spread on his wounds," she said tersely.
I: The only way that could be more terse is if she explained quantum mechanics.
DT: Hold on. Dax, fetch the Big Book o' Definitions!
D: Who do you think I am? Your slave?
DT: As champion smitemaster, I outrank you, knave.
terse: sparing in the use of words; abrupt.
I: So what was that all about?
DT: Oh, I was hoping to catch you in a... word you don't actually know.
cuccoos that tried to peck his eyes out
DT: They run from you. They only attack when they are the cavalry that is called when you beat the crud out of one of 'em.
I: I'm just trying to figure out their swears. "Thank the goddesses" and "Oh gods."
"There were some bandages...down there..."
DT: Oh. So he /did/ bandage them up.
I: -shudders- Don't talk, Dex.
gently stroked his knuckles on the silky skin
DT: Eww! EWWWWWW!
I: Dex, you're the one always joking about these things.
DT: But this time it's /gay!/
L...the Hero
DT: Oh, I see. You're not allowed to speak of his name. That's not gonna help you avoid any lawsuits.
I: I notice the spelling is getting increasingly worse.
DT: Honestly, what with all the... unmentionable, I'm not surprised.
The Hero had adorned his green tunic and cap again
ST: You fail, Mr. Adrhats.
I: That, or Link really /is/ gay here.
DT: Yeah, mans equals /not/ fancy clothing.
I: And /again?/
DT: I mean, I don't even /wear/ clothing.
I: -squeals- Oh yeah, that's okay for your race.
DT: Yes it is. -buttdances atop royal Theguy throne-
it felt alien to sit in the saddle.
I: Except the time you rode a couple days ago.
Please leave a review if you like the story!
DT: But /only/ if you like it.
Fair enough, there were few things that could kill him on that ranch, but still...
I: Arrgh. I'm so sick of this messing up of common phrases in relatively good grammar's clothing.
DT: Wait... what?
leaving him in the blue exoskeleton
DT: Tee hee hee hee! Stop!
"...super-special milk..."
DT: More like super special /awesome/ milk!"
ST: I want some I want some!
"There isn't a moment to loose..."
I: You either mean there isn't a moment to lose, or there isn't a moment too loose.
DT: Heh. Let's go with the second one.
So. Skipping chapters... Chapter 19: Link's Problem.
I: Kill me now.
Link carefully rolled down Sheik's exoskeleton
DT: -wonders if he should giggle or be grossed out-
"I can sense that you won't wake up for a while. Why don't we...enjoy ourselves?"
DT:-eyes widen- RUN!
I: -absconds-

Back at the base...

DT: So... I noticed, as always, that I was the one doing the most commenting. That's gotta stop. The rest of you guys have jokes, too, right?
-looks around-
Guys?
...
Guys?
...And Izzy?
...
TO BE CONTINUED...

The Thirteenth Sandwich: Chapter 1

2009-06-11T18:21:00.000-07:00

DH: Looks like I need to do some minor editing, but thus was the birth of my every-few-daysly webcomic! Color? Don't ask me about color. Not an actual comic, you say? Well, it was time-consuming enough. Anyways, the staff of The Legend of Dextrose have agreed to host these guys until I get my hands on a nice website. Which cost money, I hear, unless I do something lame like Freewebs.

Well, in any case, looks like I got a new Facebook picture.

Regarding the Unsliced Project...

2009-06-08T11:51:00.001-07:00

As you can expect from us at The Legend of Dextrose, the Unsliced Project has been put on hold. Danny, the guy in charge, decided he didn't feel like it, gosh. After some thought, he decided it was not the best idea he had. In fact, he isn't sure he's ever going to start.

Now I, Dextrose, explain the... the, uh... complex... brain things. Okay, I don't know what I'm talking about. Basically, he doesn't want to have any chance of getting sued. I don't know, I guess you can get sued for about anything these days. We at The Legend of Dextrose don't really want to pay his way out of it, now he mentions it. So, uh, yes.

He thought it would be funnier if characters in The Thirteenth Sandwich made references to "the Unsliced incident" and never actually wrote about it. As usual, his comedy shall certainly go unappreciated.

While I'm here, I'll mention that the anniversary of my birth coincides with his birthday. Go figure.

SUMMER BREAK

2009-06-01T10:19:00.001-07:00

Summer break can mean one (or more, we're not picky) of many things. For us at the Legend of Dextrose Blogtastic Blog, it certainly does.

For Dextrose, dragonslaying season is on. For Patsy, sleeping in, chillin', and generally avoiding responsibility. For Danny, it's marching band (Ha! Nerd! -Patsy) and writing Unsliced. But for some of us, nothing has changed. Flux is still mad scientisting. Cassie's still off saving the world. Some things know no breaks.

Also, don't ask about Dr. Guapo or Nidorina (who we think has requested her name be changed to protect the innocent). Honestly, we haven't seen them enough to know. But they're probably still doin' what they're doin'.

So, happy days! As Dex's and Danny's anniversaries of birth fast approach, the people they know should start making plans. Dex, I think, invited the entire Virtual Plane, so if you happen to live there, you should be there.

Yup. Happy days.

Thu Staph

2009-05-26T20:19:00.001-07:00

I s'pose it's time I introduced you to the staff. Well, here they are:

Dextrose Theguy - It's me. I do most of the articles here.

Isabel of the Not-Having-a-Last-Name - Izzy doesn't actually exist. Or something like that. She usually only comes out to help keep my sporking clean.

Patsy McCoopington - An otherdimensional equivalent of me. Human. He has, like, all of my energy and none of my brains.

Danny Howarth - Another otherdimensional equivalent. Also human. Has all my brains and gaming skills.

Flux Jargon - It's not her real name, but she ain't talking. Affectionately referred to as the grandmaster science nerd.

Those are the only dudes who've done actual posting, but there are some who might post later on, such as:

Cassandra Weatherstorm

Nidorina

Doctor James Guapo

And all them.

So, yes. Our illustrious staff. All I have to do is hope Patsy didn't misspell the title, and we're pretty much home free.

Public Service Announcement

2009-05-20T14:58:00.001-07:00

Always remember...

As champion smitemaster...

I OUTRANK YOU, KNAVE! NOW FETCH THE FLAMETHROWER LAUNCHER!!

Best. Game. EVAR.

2009-05-09T12:59:00.000-07:00

In case you hadn't noticed, Pokémon Mystery Dungeon 2 is my favorite video game of all time. The gameplay honestly isn't all that great without some motivation. So how the crap is it such a great game?

The answer, my friends, is the plot.

The plot is what makes a truly great game. Don't give me any of your graphics crap, Microsoft. You too, Sony. (Of course, the graphics aren't bad or anything. It's just that this generation of consoles, you can't see imperfections in the 3D-ness unless you get waaay closer than you'd want to. Hecks, I couldn't tell on the GameCube.) Gameplay had better not be dumb, either. If I have to go through a bunch of /crap/ to get the story done, I--don't like. Also, crappygamedesigners, there's a fine line between fun-challenging and /stupid/-challenging. Also music. Music makes a good game. Good music, of course.

Anyways. The plot. I don't know. It's one of those games that I cried at the end of. I-it was touching, what can I say? (Oh, good, now I have to address the issue of crying in video games.) Everything seemed well-timed. Just when I was getting tired of pointless exploration, I get some real tasks. I admit I haven't gone all the freaking way through. It's just I get hungry for more world saving and start the game over.

So, about the crying thing. Have you ever cried during a movie before at a character's death or death equivalent? Or a book, Brian forbid? (I'm not sure I used that phrase correctly.) What's the difference? I'll tell you what the difference is. In a book, the character's actions are all in your imagination. In a movie, you watch them happen. But in a video game, the actions are, essentially, actions you have made. The video game is the only medium that can identify you with the character so fully. Why can't they be seen as what they are, another storytelling medium? Probably because a lot of them actually aren't, but let's not get into that.

Anyways, we managed to get off the topic of the ultimate game and onto the topic of my philosophical superiority. My apologies.

Umm... I'm pretty sure I can end this post here, right? Please? Well, I don't care what you say; I'm done.

Dex's Summer Project of INCREDIBLENESS

2009-05-08T17:22:00.000-07:00

Guess what. Video games ain't gonna be my main focus this summer. Just something a little... video games related.

THE THIRTEENTH SANDWICH: UNSLICED.

It wasn't working in prose form, so I changed the plot, changed most of the characters, and voila!... Basically, I started over and made it a comic. But still!

It's not going to be about PMD2 anymore. Well, maybe a little bit. Around the end of it, actually, but my point is it's not the main focus. I split the characters into different groups. Kard and Torchic are their own team, Team Ultimate, and Mort, Patsy, and Nidorina form Team SmiteSquad. I don't even know where Flux is.

Perhaps an explanation is in order. As an author, I understand a few things you don't. For example, Team Ultimate's name. It was not a name I made up; rather, a name that it sounded like Kard and Torchic would choose. In my original story, Patsy was becoming quite the Gary-Stu. In short, I'M A GOOD WRITER YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

Anyways, I need to go learn how to draw half my characters before then. And also review the amount of the plot that I'm, uh... repeating? Also, I'll probably have to learn a few things about webcomicery, like how to make the whole next-last-previous button thing. I may need a more... usable site to put it on.

So. Any ideas, tell me. Thanks bye.

Sporking with Dex n' Izzy: Episode 3

2009-04-11T15:43:00.000-07:00

Dextrose: So. And other fantastic adventure today as we return to...
THE BELLY OF THE BEAST.
Izzy: Dex, about the apostrophes.
Dextrose: Say what?
Izzy: Apostrophes. The thingies around the N in Dex 'n' Izzy.
Dextrose: Uh, what about them?
Izzy: They're inconsistent.
Dextrose: What?
Izzy: -logs on to the Legend of Dextrose- Look. Episode One was Dex 'n Izzy, Episode Two was Dex 'n' Izzy, and--
Dextrose: So, you're stalling?
Izzy: Yeah...
Dextrose: Come on. COURAGE. We must be brave.
Izzy: Let's just get it over with.
-they enter fanfiction.net-
Dextrose: Ooh, check out that "browse crossovers" button.
Izzy: -eyes widen in horror- NOOOOOO

Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy was sponsored by:
MindSpring, author of A New Beginging

Izzy:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dextrose: Quiet. Now it's too late to make a joke about the title.
Now, it wasn't like her to be impatient, but the shuttle was late. And Peach hated to be late.
Dextrose: Make up your mind.
parasol
pink umbrella
Dextrose: Again, make up your mind.
Izzy: Isn't that also technically--
Dextrose: Ssh.
were sitting on... each other
Dextrose: Ooh.
Samus (without her suit
Dextrose: Ooooh.
it was just too darn hot
Dextrose: Indeed. And that's "she."
Izzy: -resounding slap-
dimpled slightly
Dextrose: What? What? That's a real phrase?
tight suit
Dextrose: Have I mentioned oooh--
Izzy: YES YOU HAVE SHUT UP!
tomboy-eness matching his... not-ness
Dextrose: I object, Your Honor. That sentence should be taken out and shot.
boredom and new friendships
Dextrose: -sighs- So true.
Ganondrof
Dextrose: That's one of those names, that when you misspell it, it's always ridiculously funny. Oh, and Izzy, say stuff. All you've done so far is cry when I make insinuendos.
Izzy: -grumbles-
Ganondrof
Dextrose: Teeheeheehee! Again!
she looked too busy to grant anyone magic right now.
Dextrose: Ooooooooh-
Izzy: SHUT IT!
Their yells were the only noise on the empty platform
Dextrose: Yeah, empty except for ALL THE DUDES.
Izzy: The only noise besides ALL THE PEEPS TALKING.
Dextrose: And all the characters who look/sound/taste like kids play tag.
Izzy: Taste?
Dextrose: Never you mind. But if you were to ask me, Popo is totally a MAN.
Izzy: Whatever.
She loved watching children
Dextrose: Meh heh heh--
Izzy: Dex, your whole joke is made by taking it out of context.
Dextrose: Shh.
Izzy: By the way, author--
Dextrose: MindSpring.
Izzy: Springy, author's notes don't belong within the text.
Soon Captain Falcon
Dextrose: Who's funny no matter what he does--
began to guffaw.
Dextrose: Wow. Cap'n Pink just got lamer.
Marth said "Finally!"
Dextrose: He speaks Japanese.
parasols
Dextrose: There's only one.
"Sawwy, mester, 'bout you're tail,"
Izzy: Are you sure that's in English?
took his giant paw in her small hand
Dextrose: Ooh. Looks like Popo's got some competition!
Izzy: But Wolf?
Dextrose: Yeah, he's totally out of character... I'd imagine. I've never actually played StarFox, but I'd imagine, since he's the bad guy--
Izzy: Yeah we know, okay?
Chapter Two: Roommate Disappointment
Dextrose: Ohhh, man. I can tell this is gonna be good already.
Izzy: "I don't wanna sleep in the same room as Link!" Bowser whined.
Dextrose: Nana cried when she found out she was bunked in the same room as Popo.
Izzy: That's... disturbing.
Dextrose: I really hope they're adults. And, uh, not related. 'Cause that would make my jokes yuckier.
She loved doing this with people
Dextrose: Oooh.
she would be the first to admit that she was cheesy, but she loved it anyway.
Dextrose: She loves cheese, or she loves doing it with people?
Izzy: QUIET.
Wolf had put Nana down in the seat next to him
Dextrose: It's true. Goodbye, marriage vows!
Izzy: Assuming, of course, that Nana and Popo are adults and married.
Dextrose: Quiet we've been assuming that this whole time!
heave Popo
Izzy: Dextrose has NO COMMENT at this time.
Dextrose: -whimpers-
started playing Blackjack
Dextrose: Whoa. Ness is gambling.
Ganondorf
Dextrose: Dang it. I had a nice rule of three lined up and everything.
Snake said, "Well, I can't be in a movie.
Dextrose: COLD FEET
If I was, my enemies would know exactly who I am, where I am, and my fighting skills would be revealed!"
Dextrose: Like I said COLD FEET
high neckline
Dextrose: Aw, come on.
sleeves down to her wrists
Dextrose: Come on...
skirt down to her kness
Dextrose: That's almost kind of close. YOU FAIL, SPRINGY!
Chiarina
Dextrose: Because we just have to have original characters, don't we, Springson?
Izzy: I'm-a guess "CHEE-a-REE-na."
Dextrose: Awright! The roommate list is in!
Izzy: Oh no.
Dextrose: Wait a minute. Link and Zelda aren't in the same room?
Izzy: GOOD.
Dextrose: Who's Luigo?... Lucario, Pikachu, Jigglypuff?
Izzy: IT'S ACCEPTABLE. THEY'RE INCOMPATIBLE SPECIES, OKAY?
Dextrose: Caption Falcon, Ganondorf, and Snake all have the same room, apparently.
Izzy: Your point?
Dextrose: There's very-misspelled Cap'n Pink. This has got to be good.
Izzy: I like how it lists Nana and Popo as the same person. It's like that comic strip, Zits. Whoever those two person are. I think that's correct grammar, in this case.
Dextrose: Except Nana's leaving Popo for Wolf. I hope this becomes a soap opera.... Nobody likes Captain Pink.
Izzy: Care to explain /why/ he's Captain Pink?
Dextrose: Long story.
Chapter Three: An Sapphire Mystery
Dextrose: Why is all the worst spelling in the chapter titles?
bubbly caretaker
Dextrose: Ike likes April!
bowling alley
Dextrose: -dies-
Shepard's pie
Dextrose: -Google searches for a celebrity with that name-Matthew Shepard?
Izzy: Who's that?
Dextrose: I dunno; I closed the window. But it was his pie!
Izzy: Wait. Quiz is the wrong word.
Dextrose: Yeah. Pop quiz! What's your sister's name?
getting'
Dextrose: Having a little trouble with her accent, there?
Curious Glances
Dextrose: Oooh.
Had he found out his best friend's father had been assassinated and then his best friend was now the king (or queen) and the next target on the list of killers, he would have lost control of his sword.
Dextrose: Dang. I already used the shooting the sentence line.
Izzy: Let me see if I can work this out. Peach's dad died and she's now the queen and a killer? No, wait--
Dextrose: Oh, oh. Springson means that Peach's dad died so she's now the queen and therefore next on the killer's list.
Izzy: Good gravy, Springy.
"...she has to get that news [about her father's death] and then immediately face the press. They are going to eat that up and mark her out to be cruel and non-caring.
Dextrose:...Uh, how?
Izzy: Springy's throwing his or her philosophy of the paparazzi at us.
"Peach! How do you feel about Daisy becoming queen before you?"
Dextrose: Wait. What? I thought Peach was queen.
Izzy: Oh, it was /Peach's/ best friend whose dad died.
Dextrose: Dang it, Springson.
Popo clutched at Wolf
Dextrose: Wait. So now Nana and Popo are competing for Wolf?
Pillow Fights
Dextrose: Naked ones?
chocolate hair
Dextrose and Izzy: Delicious.
Dextrose: I'm kinda disappointed that the pillow fight is clothed, but at least it's by girls.
the girls were changed into their pajamas.
Dextrose: Poof! You're a pair of bunny slippers!
Izzy: You don't wear slippers in bed.
Dextrose: I don't even wear /that/ much.
Izzy: Um...
she said, bouncing slightly.
Dextrose: Jiggling with energy!
Izzy: Dex... ew.
"Oh, wow, it is so smooth!"
Izzy: Dextrose is not available for "that's what she said" jokes at this time.
very intense game of poker
Izzy: Intense card games?
Dextrose: Yu-Gi-Oh, maybe, but--what?
Izzy: Yu-Gi-Oh.
Dextrose: What?
"...She slept fight through your match.
Dextrose: What?
"Do you want me to break your face again?" he calmly.
Dextrose: What?
Izzy: Despite popular belief, calmly is not a verb.
Ganondorf touched him
Izzy: All right, that's it, Dex. I pick the excerpts from now on.
Dextrose: You'll have to fight me for it.
"What have you been doing, Captain? I hope it wasn't with that girl from the hallway?"
Dextrose: Eww! Ewwww!
Izzy: Dex, you've been making dirty jokes this whole time.
Dextrose: It's only okay when I do it.
Izzy: Anyways. This is kinda long; let's quit while we're ahead.
Dextrose: Whatevs. Another successful day of sporktasticness, yes?
Izzy: -headpalm- Don't make up words, Dex.

Sporking with Dex 'n' Izzy: Episode 2

2009-04-04T15:24:00.001-07:00

Dextrose: So... I meant to do these weekly.

Izzy: You mean, small-muscles weakly, or--?

Dextrose: Once a week. Geez, Izz, it's spelled differently and everything.

Izzy: I can't see it.

Dextrose: Fine, whatever. Fanfiction.net time. -poses-

Izzy: You seem to have gained a lot of confidence since last time.

Dextrose: Lingering effects of brain bleach?

Izzy: Quite possibly.

Today we check out the Baten Kaitos fandom.

Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n' Izzy sponsored by:

crackedkatana, author of Back to Reality.

So this is what death feels like, Kalas reflected

Dextrose: Wow. They killed him first sentence.

The words GAME OVER flashed in his mind.

Dextrose: Hey, that happens to me, too.

Izzy: Uhh...

Dextrose: Dying's not that bad. As long as respawn times are short.

Izzy: Uhh...

"...You have been playing the virtual reality game Baten Kaitos for the last two years.

Dextrose: Wooow. I wish I could play video games two years straight.

Izzy: Ever heard of carpal tunnel?

looking as though she had melted into her chair

Dextrose: Yeah, that's what happened to me that time /I/ played video games for two months straight. But two years...?

Izzy: Uhh...

snug uniform

Dextrose: Oooh.

her legs stretched down

Dextrose: Ooooooh.

Izzy: -crying- Stop it, Dex!

scrubbed the back of his head

Izzy: -winces- Ouch.

the Great Mizuti

Dextrose: But... but they didn't call him "the Great Mizuti" every stinkin' time. It was "Mizuti" every stinkin' time, as a matter of fact. The only one who called him that was himself. What--

Izzy: Yes it's inaccurate but it's not funny, okay?

Dextrose: Sorry.

blah blah everyone reacts to the shiny light.

Dextrose: -dies-

"So bright!" Xelha cried.

Dextrose: I HADN'T NOTICED. I only have one life left, guys. Seriously.

Izzy: Yeesh. Chapter Two should have been called "In Which Every Character Completely Changes Character."

Dextrose: You know, things're funnier if you make them more concise.

blah blah everyone picked up stuff.

Dextrose: UNICORN TURDS! Izzy, could you resurrect me?

Izzy: Get your own lives.

bluenette

Dextrose: Number one: blue hair is only natural in anime. Number two: I'm fairly certain you only want to put the "ette" on it if the subject is female.

growled

Dextrose: I think Kalas can also /say./

mishap with Kalas' zipper

Dextrose: --

Izzy: Don't. say. /anything./

blah blah everybody's dead.

Izzy: Okay, okay. I'll make it short and sweet. HEY AUTHOR! WHEN THERE ARE A LOT OF CHARACTERS, DON'T DESCRIBE EACH OF THEIR ACTIONS IN DETAIL!

Dextrose: I died while I was dead. That can't be good.

Izzy: And now, a paragraph describing how Melodia barfs.

"Of course I like you, darling. Mmm...

Dextrose: --

Izzy: NO COMMENT!

peels of laughter

Izzy: Yum.

Dextrose: I think they made Geldoblame gay.

"Good [crappin'] [Brian]."

Izzy: Does anyone really swear like that?

Dextrose: I don't know the first thing about swearing.

Izzy: Folon seems obsessed with the size of Geldoblame's butt.

Dextrose: He gay, too, then?

Izzy: What? No! I was just saying he only knows one insult.

fat[bottomus]

"His [bottomus] is what's twice my size!"

Dextrose: See? He's gay.

Izzy: Never mind.

"Now, this is getting insulting!" Geldoblame bawled.

Dextrose: You just noticed?

A new excuse to shop had arisen, and soon enough Geldoblame planned to soon take full advantage of it.

Dextrose: Yeah he's gay.

Izzy: Fine, whatever.

Dextrose: Thus concludes another episode. I hope you enjoyed yourselves, and hope you'll tune in next week.

Izzy: Assuming there is one next week.

Dextrose: Shh.

Good ooold the bargain bin.

2009-04-03T22:13:00.000-07:00

Yeah. So. I've begun to think that "bargain bin" is a misnomer. I mean, you wouldn't want to pay ten bucks for a pile of crap, would you? I didn't think so. (Kid in the back? Shut it.)

Three words: Rock 'n' Roll Adventures. (Unless that's four words.... Three and a half?)

Ugh. I don't know. Some people think that just because it's a platformer, they can sell it. Never mind if it has crappy controls, a repulsive protagonist, and no real challenge. If they do put challenge in, it's the frustrating kind that is in no way fun. Rock 'n' Roll Adventures fits all the criteria. Quite an accomplishment. Can I give negative urns?

Now, don't think that just 'cause it's in the bargain bin, it means it's bad. Also found in the bargain bin: Rubik's World. If you're into puzzle games, edutainment, and writing music, it's a fairly good game. (And everything's optional, so if you don't like one of the things I mentioned, you can avoid it.)

I thought it was pretty dumb at first, but then I found out the stuff you build in this one area shows up in other areas, and the music you write in a different area plays when you do various things... it's all so... wonderful. Magical. Okay, not really. But. One of the puzzle games works. The music thing is cool. There's even a thing that steps you through solving a Rubik's Cube, which is a good incentive to buy it if you find it in a bargain bin. Possibly even at full price, when you consider all the other cool stuff. But, unless you're really into puzzle games, it doesn't really satisfy. 3.5 urns out of 5.

And it came to pass that I taught my disciple--I mean, disciples--and lo, they did wax wise in the ways of the bargain bin.^a

^aGR: They came to the D'rose for advice.

The Thirteenth Sandwich: Unsliced

2009-03-28T17:34:00.000-07:00

Patsy McCoopington
Disclaimer: Apparently, I gotta put these disclaimer guys here. In any case, I don't own Pokémon, Nintendo, Game Freak, or any of the dudes who created the universe that we happened to land in. While it did actually happen, this is a work of fiction. (It's complicated; can you not ask?) Any resemblance to actual human beings is ~~awfully strange~~ purely coincidental. Wow. That... that... I pity you. ANYWAYS.

Chapter One: In Which Stuff Starts Happening.

Another exhilarating trip with the Massive Reality Editor. You know the kind. Where you fly through blue space screaming until you pass out and wake up later, sore and wondering where you are. Leave it to Flux to build a cliché.

Flux was the first one awake. I started guessing something was amiss when she seemed angry about her invention working properly. I tried to pretend I was still unconscious, but she caught me giggling.

"You are a poor actor, McCoopington. I know that you're awake."

"Oh, fine." For no real reason, I kept my eyes closed as I pushed myself to my feet. Perhaps I thought it might serve the plot in some way. But I digress. Something... felt wrong. Opening my eyes, I saw the ground was awfully close, even while I was standing. And Flux... still seemed to be...

"You screwed something up. I'm still a Pokey... whatsit."

Seeing a Kirlia this angry was pretty funny. Forcing more giggles down, I replied, "Why are you so sure it's not your invention that's screwy?"

A Kirlia rolling her eyes was kind of funny, too. But I guess you had to be there. "I already ran a diagnostic. Everything is in order. The only thing that could possibly have gone wrong is you, McCoopington. This is your fault."

Perhaps an explanation is in order. See, my friend Danny and I were bored once. And so we did what any pair of bored guys would do. After playing Super Smash Brothers. Mess with Flux's stuff. Maybe next time, I won't grab the most important- and complicated-looking thing I can find. As Flux later explained, it was used to keep balance in the universes by keeping worlds in different dimensions separate. Or something like that. It's really boring, paying attention to Flux. Anyways, I managed to combine our world with whatever world Pokémon happens in. And then the Massive Reality Editor broke. Eventually, Danny, who had become a Bulbasaur, inadvertently led Flux to me and she fixed it. I don't know what happened, but it couldn't be my fault.

"And, look, you killed the human!" Flux was saying, even though right now he was technically a Bulbasaur. I would have argued this point had Danny not interrupted.

"Guys... I'm fine," he muttered, eyes still squeezed shut. By now, he'd gotten used to Flux referring to him as "the human." An explanation would be in order, but I'm tired of that crap by now.

I was a little relieved he was awake. Another debater on my side. "Danny, could you tell her she's an idiot?"

He looked at me, at Flux, then back at me. "Let me guess," he said, eyes narrowing, "You messed with the Massive Reality Editor."

Fine. He could take Flux's side if he wanted to. She continued to argue her points, and I took the opportunity to make scenery descriptions. We were on a beach. The crashing waves were a pretty good help drowning out Flux, thank goodness. Bubbles filled the air for some reason. Over to my left, I could see some kind of cave, and next to it, an unconscious Eevee. I thought about this development as I watched a Torchic stare at the sunset. Might as well check it out, huh?

Danny apparently had the same idea, as he was already there, a look of... some emotion on his face. I couldn't tell. He looked a little confused or curious or something. It didn't help that his face wasn't really human anymore. He hadn't woken the guy or anything; he was too busy staring. I gave Danny a look, and woke the Eevee myself. "Hey," I said, shaking him, "Are you all right?"

He groaned and dizzily staggered to his feet. Blinking slowly as he stared at me, he said, "But... you're a Pikachu."

"Am I?" I looked down at myself. It certainly looked like it from here. Strange I hadn't noticed yet. "That's weird."

The Eevee looked like he was trying to put together the pieces. "So... so... how are you talking to me? Shouldn't you be saying, like, 'Pikachu?'"

I shrugged. "'Pikachu,' if it makes you happy."

"Uh... so suddenly you're capable of human speech?"

"Why would I need to be? You're an Eevee."

This was getting increasingly common, being slow to notice transformations. "I... was a human," he said after getting a good look at himself.

"Yeah, that's kind of funny. Danny and I were--" I meant to indicate Danny, but he was gone. Replaced by Flux. She clapped a hand over my mouth, uttering, "Don't... tell him... anything."

"What's going on here?" the Eevee said slowly.

I pushed Flux's hand off. "I might ask the same question. Patsy," I said, extending my own hand. Or... paw.

"Kard," he said, shaking it. "So... what is..."

That's when Danny came rushing back, running awkwardly with his two new legs. "Guys,
Torchic needs our help," he said hurriedly.

"Whoa, slow down," I said. "I'm trying to process a little too much stuff here."

Torchic opened her mouth, but Danny talked first. "That can wait," he said. "Those dudes are getting away with Torchic's stuff!"

"What dudes?"

Danny, unused to four legs, slapped his forehead and fell on his face. "You didn't just see the Koffing and Zubat go past?"

"...No?"

Infuriated by my cluelessness and probably his lack of balance, he started yelling. "This is urgent, okay? Let's move it!"

"Introductions all around?"

Danny let out an exasperated sigh. "Danny."

"Flux."

"Patsy."

"Torchic."

"Kard."

Torchic spoke for the first time. Well, besides the introduction. "Okay, let's go!"

"Let's do this!" I said, striking a pose. The rest of them stared. Weirdos.

Danny shook his head. He gave up and ran towards the cave, Torchic following close behind.
I looked at Kard, and we ran after them. Not about to be left alone, Flux sighed, unfolded her arms, and ran after us.

Something happened that can only be described as KA-PWING!

We all fell in a pile, bouncing off some invisible wall in front of the cave entrance. After we all climbed off of him, Danny looked thoughtful. Probably. "That's right," he coughed. "We can't have more than four in a team."

It was Danny's turn to have everyone stare at him. Except Torchic, for some reason. "What the crap are you talking about?" I asked.

He opened his mouth to explain, and thought better of it. "I'll tell you later. Right now, we have to decide who's staying behind."

There was silence for a few moments. "I'll stay," Torchic muttered, looking down at the ground.

Danny panicked. "No way. I will if it--"

Flux shrugged. "I'll stay. It isn't as if I--"

"But your psychic moves will come in handy," I argued. "We are fighting a couple of Poison-types."

"What are you talking about?" This was a common question today.

"Don't think she knows much about Pokémon, Patsy," Danny said.

I thought about it. "Probably wouldn't fight anyway. Okay, Flux, have fun waiting."

Folding her arms again, she leaned against the side of the cave entrance. "I expect a full--"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I said. "Now let's do this!" I struck my pose again, and dashed into the cave. The rest followed behind.

* * *

The trip was pretty uneventful. While Danny and the others tried to figure out how to get the vines out of his bulb thingy, I went ahead and knocked out any other Pokémon I found. It was kind of fun. You know, doing it firsthand and everything. Yeah. Um. So we moved on for a while, going deeper and deeper into the cave. And, um, I guess my travel scenes always seem that awkward.

Danny got a little mad at me for "taking all the kills," as we say, once he figured out his vine predicament. "If I beat you to 'em," I argued, "It's fair."

He said nothing. I bet he was vowing silently to beat me to some.

That, or he saw the boss before I did.

Bosses.

Koffing turned around. "Well, if it isn't the little chicken."

Tears sprang to Torchic's eyes, and she took a step back. I guess I'm a little insensitive. I started chuckling. "That's a funny way of putting it," I said. "Torchic a chicken. You know?"

Slaps came from all directions. "This is why you've never been on a date," Danny muttered in my ear.

I probably didn't have a right to, but I glared at them.

Torchic gathered up her courage. "G-give... give back what you stole from me! The Relic Fragment means everything to me!"

Koffing turned to Zubat. "So this thing really is worth something."

"Heh-heh. Maybe we can make some good money off of it."

Koffing turned back to us, a smirk on his face. "If you really want it," he said, "come and get it!"

I instinctively struck a pose again, screaming "BOSS FIIIIGHT!!"

Danny gave me some sage advice. "Shut up."

We sprung into action. Danny did a pretty lame Vine Whip on Koffing, knocking him in my direction. I jumped up, pumped some electricity through my body, and smashed him into the ground with my tail. Zubat was being a little difficult, staying just out of Kard's reach and using Leech Life or something on him. I sent a Shock Wave in his direction, and Kard finally managed to tackle him. Before I could be the awesome action hero anymore, though, he and Torchic beat the remaining snot out of him.

"That should do it," I said, dusting off my paws.

Danny was pretty mad at me again. "So it takes me, like, twenty minutes just to find my vine, and you do whatever you want without trying? And I'm the Pokémon expert and everything!"

I chuckled. "Well, we all knew I'm infinitely more awesome than you."

"Hmph," he said, and didn't say anything else.

"Got it," Torchic said, picking up a stone with one foot. "Boy, am I relieved." She stored it somewhere on her person somehow.

"Shall we go, then?" I said. "Explain stories?"

"Right, let's go," Torchic said.

To avoid another travel scene, we arrived at the beach. Before Flux said anything, Torchic did. "Thanks so much, you guys. I don't know what I'd do without you. Oh, and Patsy," she added, turning to me, "you're a jerk."

"What?"

"So..." Torchic looked all around, shifting her weight from foot to foot. "I was wondering, I--it's always been my dream to... to.... That was exciting, wasn't it?"

Kard took charge. "Yeah...? What are you getting at?"

"I... I... look, I..."

"You want to form an exploration team?" Danny said suddenly.

"Yes," Torchic said timidly.

"I... well... I guess I have nowhere to go..." Kard said.

I was ready to listen in some more, but Flux pulled me and Danny aside. "You are not going to get mixed up in this," she said.

"What else can we do?" Danny said. "I mean, she can offer a place to sleep and everything. It's a start."

"We're talking about a long-term commitment here. We do not have time. We need to--"

"Honestly," I interrupted, "If it's so urgent we get back, why don't you Massive Reality Edit us there?"

"Did I not explain, Patsy?" Flux said. "That would mean combining this world with our own again. It's already doubtless unstable from the last time; if we try it again, it could destroy the entire universe."

"Well, it's that or Palkia," Danny said.

"Or what?"

"Palkia. The master of space. If anyone can get us back, he can."

Flux gave up. "All right, fine. How do we find this Palkia?"

Danny thought for a moment. "I think he kidnaps us in several months."

I felt something nudging me. It turned out to be Torchic. "So, um, guys?" she said. "A-are you interested?"

"Say yes. This is gonna be awesome," Danny whispered.

"Let's do this," I said. Danny saluted.

Flux threw her hands in the air. "Fine! Whatever you want." I almost felt a little remorse when I saw she was holding back tears. But, you know, she was learning a good lesson. I guess.

Torchic grinned. "All right, let's get started! To Wigglytuff's Guild!" She started leading the way.

"So," I said under my breath, sneaking over to Danny, "Did you hear what they were saying over there?"

"No, but Kard was probably saying how he used to be a human and lost his memory for some reason, and Torchic was getting all dreamy about exploring, and explaining about her Relic Fragment, the rock with the weird design. She doesn't know what it does, but it--"

"Wait, you didn't hear, and yet you know all that? What--?" I asked, but events kept me from getting an answer. We arrived in front of a strangely Wigglytuff-shaped building with some kind of grate in front.

"Here we are," Torchic said. She had a look on her face, a look that said if she had a lip, she would be biting it. "Okay, I've got to be brave," she said. "I've got all my friends with me this time." She stepped hesitantly onto the grate.

"Pokémon detected!" shouted a high-pitched voice.

"Whose footprint?" said a much louder one.

"Er... Torchic's! The footprint is Torchic's!"

Over the noise, I could hear Torchic whimpering. It was kind of odd. I mean, it didn't seem scary or anything... not to me...

"I can tell there's more of you," the louder voice yelled, "So stand on the GRATE!"

One by one, we each went through the process. It took far too long. When Flux was finished, we were finally allowed in. "That was dumb," Patsy muttered.

"Hush. It might be important later on. I forget," Danny said.

"Which reminds me. How do--"

We had climbed down a ladder to the first underground floor, where a bird with a music-note-shaped head was hopping up to us. Noting my confusion, Danny informed me, "Chatot."

"Go away," he was saying in a tired tone, "We don't have any time for salespeople or silly surveys."

The previous grate incident must have had her adrenaline going, because Torchic was really talkative. "No! That's not why we're here! We want to become an exploration team!"

Chatot squawked in surprise. He turned around to talk to himself. "Now tell me?" I started to say, but to no avail. Before Danny could answer, we were rushed down another floor.

Danny was finally ready to explain. "Flux, I guess I oughta tell you too. Watch this. Torchic's gonna say something about how we just went underground and we can see out the window."

"We can?" I said, looking at the window I suddenly found. "That's weird."

"Whoa!" said Torchic, dashing up to the window. "We're underground, but you can still see outside!"

"And now Chatot says, 'Oh, hush now! The guild is built into the side of a cliff! It's only natural you'd be able to see outside!'"

He did.

Flux stared in wonderment. "Are you... perhaps... not human, then?"

"Well, not anymore," Danny laughed. "I don't have super powers, if that's what you mean. I've just... I guess we've fallen into a game that I've played two or three times."

Flux drew in a breath. It looked like she was trying to sort things out so she could explain something, but once again we were interrupted. We were pushed into the Guildmaster's room.

"Guildmaster! Guildmaster?" Chatot said to a Wigglytuff facing away from us. Wigglytuff didn't respond, until suddenly, without warning, he whirled around. "Hiya!"

Kard jumped.

"You want to form an exploration team? Well, good for you! Let's get you signed up! What's your--"

"If I may interrupt," Chatot said. "Guildmaster, a team of more than four cannot enter a Mystery Dungeon. This team is too large."

Wigglytuff's parade was severely rained upon. In fact, it looked like a hurricane hit.

"I've got a solution," Danny volunteered. "We make two divisions. We can't all five go in at once, but I bet if we split into smaller groups before entering, we could meet up inside or--no, wait, that wouldn't work. But we can form two divisions."

Chatot opened his beak to argue, but my suggestion was entirely logical. He shut it.

Everyone in the parade had an umbrella. "Let's get you signed up! What's your team name?"

"A name?" Torchic said. "Er, we don't really--give us a second." She turned to face the rest of us. "Any ideas?"

Danny's vine, which he seemed to be using as a hand for these things, shot up. "I vote SmiteSquad."

I laughed. "Just like you."

Torchic and Kard laughed too. "Let's do it," Torchic said. "Team Smitesquad," Torchic told Wigglytuff.

"Okay!" he shouted, and turned around, picking up a piece of paper. "Registering! Registering! All registered!" he sang.

Flux looked seriously disturbed.

"Now, we don't have one in your size, so here's a couple of medium-sized exploration kits!" He handed us two yellow boxes. Danny popped one open and emptied it. "Exploration team badges... Wonder Map... Treasure Bag." Each of us picked up a badge as Danny emptied the Treasure Bag. "And equipment for all of us," he said as various scarves and bows spilled out. Ribbon-type bows, not arrow bows.

Flux pulled us aside again as Wigglytuff explained all of our new stuff. "Danny. You mustn't tell anyone what's going to happen later on."

"Why? Is this one of those--"

"If you reveal the future to these people, you may end up changing the plot, ultimately causing the world's utter imbalance, or possibly destroy the time-space continuum."

"Ooh," was all he had to say. He picked up a bow and tied it ninja-headband-thingy-style around his head.

Dinner that night was some assortment of berries and other fruit. I couldn't believe how hungry I was, and shoved it into my face, scarcely bothering to chew. Eating was never so tiring, and I would drop straight to sleep that night. Senior apprentices pushed some piles of straw into the crew rooms to serve as our beds, and we dropped right off. I was unlucky enough to get a room with Flux, but I managed to get to sleep before she started talking about quantum... whatever. I hoped the other apprentices were so lucky.

So what the heck /is/ a sandwich?

2009-03-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

You mean, not the bread-and-lunch-meat-and-mayo-and-maybe-sometimes-lettuce-and-potates kind of sandwich? Like the kind mentioned in the title of The Thirteenth Sandwich? I, Dextrose, shall leave it to the other -ahem- staff members to explain 'cause I don't got a clue.

Danny:

Uh, I'll leave it to Patsy. He's the writer.

Patsy:

I write about stuff I know about. Here, why don't I give it to Flux, the one who knows things about science? Or maybe team up with her so it's at least somewhat readable.

Flux and Patsy:

You may have seen them before. But, as more than 99% of the Earth's population is non-magical, I would suppose not. A rip in the sky. These are created when boundaries between a world and an equivalent in the different dimension become frayed. Eventually, if it isn't stopped, the two worlds will combine, creating utter chaos. Under normal circumstances, we would employ a technique affectionately known as DEUS EX SEWING MACHINA to repair the damage. It works. But, once... somehow, no one noticed. Two worlds combined and no one knew until long after it was done, creating a single, somewhat unstable world.

A sandwich is what happens when more than two worlds are combined. It was the first word we thought of and we stuck to it. These are even more unstable, and can completely destroy all three if nothing is done, and fast. So Flux created the Massive Reality Editor for just such an occasion. The first dozen times, when sandwiches were created by natural causes, the Editor was employed, and the problem was solved. But

Patsy without Flux:

you know, Danny and I get bored sometimes. Sometimes AQWorlds just isn't enough. That's when you go to Brawl. And then that gets old after a while, and that's when I get the great idea to mess with Flux's stuff. I called it a "crossover." Apparently, only I have a human equivalent in the Pokémon world. So that's how Danny ended up a Bulbasaur, and how I broke the Massive Reality Editor. And how I created the Thirteenth Sandwich.

Flux without Patsy:

And I a Kirlia, of all things. I managed to find Patsy after Danny asked me on a date, a subject that he still finds somewhat embarrassing. (Patsy: Well, if he was ever gonna ask somebody out, I guess a Pokémon would be the most likely thing.) I fixed the Editor, but Patsy insisted upon fixing the problem himself. Your thingy's pretty straightforward, he said; I can figure it out. I at last gave in. The last mistake I will ever make.

Patsy:

Not that she's dead or anything, but she's not trusting me with her stuff anymore. Heh. Umm, I separated the worlds okay, but we ended up in the wrong one. Um, apparently, my Pokémon equivalent is a Pikachu.

Danny: -back from lunch-

Oh yeah. I guess we ended up in a reenactment of Pokémon Mystery Dungeon II. Or perhaps the real thing. I'm the only one who knows what's going on. Ha ha ha. I'm just gonna guess that it'll tear the universe apart and such if I reveal any of the plot, so I'm gonna keep it to myself. Plus, it feels really good, knowing what the crap is going on while my friends are in the dark.

Patsy: Jerk. But at least I got a good title for the history book: The Thirteenth Sandwich: Unsliced.

Danny: Unsliced? That's not a word, is it?

Patsy: Ssh.

Flux: Hold it right there, Patsy. You're planning to record this?

Patsy: Yup.

Flux: You do realize that that places it in the forbidden area of fan fiction?

Patsy: Yup.

Flux: When we get back to HQ, you are so fired.

Patsy: Ha ha. Good luck with that. Who could possibly take my place?

Flux: Ohh, if I could use the Massive Reality Editor right now...

Patsy: What's wrong with it?

Flux: I can't take the chance and make the Thirteenth Sandwich again. It could destroy us and possibly even three universes.

Patsy: So how do you plan on getting to HQ, hmm?

Flux:... I'll think of something. Just you wait, McCoopington.

Patsy: So, I guess I'll put that up there. The Thirteenth Sandwich: Unsliced. Open to sporks the world over. As long as none of us start developing super ultra powers, I think we're free of Mary Sues. And the male equivalent.

Danny: I'm omniscient. Does that count?

Patsy: Um... you're fired.

Seiken Densetsu 3

2009-03-14T15:53:00.000-07:00

Seiken Densetsu 3 is a really obscure game. Probably because it wasn't actually released in America, or, indeed, anywhere outside Japan. If you want to get your hands on it, you're going to have to be some kind of eBay master. Or maybe if you have a Wii and convince Square to let Nintendo put it on Virtual Console. That'd be cool.

Anyways, it's about a bunch of teenage dudes. And chicks, too, I guess. Teenage in, you know, general years (if that even makes sense), because there's this one half-elf who looks like she's five. Apparently, I've never played Final Fantasy and don't know the potential of a video game plot, but I, personally, really liked it. Plus, depending on the characters you choose for your group, it can have six different beginnings and three different endings. It's CRAZY.

I guess I can give you a summary. SPOILER ALERT BUT NOT REALLY MUCH SPOILED IN ANY CASE. I played a game with Kevin as the main character. Kevin's a beastman; by this game's definition, some kinda fusion of wolf and human. One day, as he's out in the forest, his pet wolf Karl suddenly turns on him and beats the crud out of him. As Kevin staggers back to his feet, he transforms into a werewolf (a /different/ fusion of wolf and human. Go figure.) and, before he realizes what he's doing, beats the crud out of Karl in return.

After a funeral which only he attends, he mopes back to the Beast Kingdom. As he wanders around, he overhears some plans to invade nearby human civilizations. Pacifist that he is, he looks for the Beast King, his father, to try and persuade him otherwise. But he's not in the throne room. As Kevin looks elsewhere, he overhears more stuff. It's the Beast King and his new right-hand man, the Deathjester. Apparently, the king had ordered the Deathjester to use dark magic to make Karl attack him. Consumed by rage, Kevin busts through a wall and attacks the king, who counters his blow and flings him back to the forest. Right next to Karl's grave.

Kevin finds the Deathjester in the forest, who runs in fear. In return for not killing him, the Deathjester tells him about the Sword of Mana, the blade that basically controlled the universe. It could surely bring back Karl.

Fairly soon, epic music starts playing and Kevin sets off on his quest.

END SPOILER ALERT

Okay, that's just a summary of one beginning, but still. It sounds good from there, right? And it only gets better.

The combat style is kind of action-style RPG. Almost Legend of Zelda. It's flippin' sweet. Uhh... I don't have experience with describing these things.

Then there's class changing. It's kind of like evolving in Pokémon. At level 18, if you find a Mana Stone, you can use it to change your character's color scheme! Of course, they also get way more powerful and everything. But the color scheme change is probably the most exciting part. When you're me. And then a second class change happens at level 38 or higher, but you have to have a certain item.

It goes something like this: What? Duran is evolving! Congratulations! Your fighter evolved into a knight!

Not really but still.

So. Exciting game. I vowed never to give something 5 out of 5 urns (it is out of 5, right?), so it's gonna have to settle for 4.999. REALLY. AWESOME. GAME. A reason to find an SNES on eBay. I don't even think I mentioned you can have up to two friends playing with you. AWESOME.

So. 4.999 urns out of 5. As close as you get to perfection. (At least, I hope, because if I find anything better than this, I don't know what I'll do. -trademark sheepish grin-) So, I'm gonna go play through another ending now.

Looking back

2009-03-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've made a decision. From now on, I spork while I'm actually awake. -trademark sheepish grin-

But, um, I admit it. That story yesterday... I was actually somewhat interested in the plot. If it hadn't been drowning in purple prose, I would have become a fan... of sorts. I hope it's not just something in my psychology that sympathizes with all things Pokémon. -shrugs-

In any case, the D'rose signing out. -manly pose-

Hmm, I just realized I ended all my paragraphs with an action. -thinks about the implications-

Edit: I just realized, two or three days after posting, what I was trying to say. IF IT'S NOT DROWNING IN PURPLE PROSE IT MIGHT MAKE A GOOD STORY, KAY? TAKE THESE, MY WORDS, TO THINE HEART AND THINK ON THEM ALWAYS. KAY? THANKS. THIS APPLIES TO ALL Y'ALL WRITERS OUT THERE. NO, I DON'T ACTUALLY SAY "ALL Y'ALL."

Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy

2009-03-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

Credits: Everything was my idea. And Izzy's, but she doesn't actually exist.

No, no. Story credits: Oh yeah. This week's episode was brought to you by:

Glacial Eidolon, famed (or not) writer of Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: The Black Fear.

Dextrose: Hey everybody, and welcome to the first episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy!

Izzy: Since nobody actually sent us something to spork (not like we can expect them to), we're gonna have to go to Fanfiction.net... on our own.

Dextrose: -shudders. but in a manly way.-

Izzy: Ready to go?

Dextrose: Erm, let me gather up some lances first...

-several minutes later-

Izzy: Here it is. The fabled Fanfiction.net. A land of--

Dextrose: Yeah, I know. Let's just get it over with.

-they enter-

Dextrose: So, uh, let's stick to a genre I know. Games fan fiction. -examines categories- Wow. I didn't know people made fan fiction about this stuff. Army Men? Bubble Bobble?

Izzy: I saw a Bill Nye the Science Guy one once.

Dextrose: You're kidding.

Izzy: I wish.

Dextrose: -more manly shuddering- Oh my freaking Brian. Tetris.

Izzy: Zoombinis?

Dextrose: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! Pick one and go!

Izzy: Pokémon! That looks relatively safe.

Dextrose: Oh my. How about not? Let's do a Pong one...

Izzy: You know what? Too freaking late. Got your Sporktastic Lance ready?

Dextrose: Yeah, okay. Got the brain bleach and Cure Disease +3 ready?

Izzy: Check and check. Here we go.

Dextrose: -holds breath-

Izzy: Random story... Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: The Black Fear.

Dextrose: Probably not a misnomer.

Izzy: Calm down, Dex. Maybe you should start being as manly as you always claim.

Dextrose: Or... lizard-manly.

Izzy: Whatever. "'Watch it, scum!' A tiny purple rat with--"

Dextrose: Ratatta?

Izzy: Yeah, I guess... "blah blah larger gray bipedal weasel--"

Dextrose: Furret!

Izzy: Linoone?

blah blah key distinguishing features: one of her ears was red and and slightly larger than the other...

Dextrose: Oh, it's that one thing. What's it called?

Izzy: Sneasel?

Dextrose: Yeah. No. Not was I was thinking of. It was... you know, um... Zangoose.

blah blah Sneasel...

Izzy: Aww yeah! Score one for the Izz.

malicious thoughts... unrestrained rage... mind blinded in rage...

Dextrose: Ooh. The Sneasel is an angstmaster.

Izzy: Angstmaster?

Dextrose: You can leave the mastery comments to me, thanks.

[PURPLE PROSE]

Dextrose: -drowns-

Her destination? She did not know. She was a Decivilizer: a term associated with outcast criminals

Dextrose: Really? Outcast criminals? I let /my/ criminals run around free.

serving time of banishment from villages.... Decivilizers were often nefarious pickpockets and murderers who bore ill will towards society

Izzy: Oh, good. And I suspect I'm supposed to sympathize with her?

Dextrose: Whoa, whoa. Murderers?

Izzy: It's certainly a dark world of Pokémon you've created.

Dextrose: Don't they just, like, poof back to town if they die?

Izzy: Be quiet; we might miss something good to spork.

She may have been a criminal, but she still had morals.

Dextrose and Izzy: Riiiiight.

"Let we of the Heart of Arceus pray to our god for the wellbeing of ourselves and our children... let we of the Heart pray to Arceus to stop this era and restore prosperity...

Izzy: And now, Pokémon religion.

Dextrose: -manly giggles-

A young Mareep,

Dextrose: Yaaay!

...couldn't comprehend why, of all things, Arceus had ignored her prayer and everyone else's.

Dextrose: Try praying to me -poses-

Izzy: Blasphemy, Dex. Sit down.

"Get over here, we've got some [Briandarned] Aggron on our [bottomuses]!"

Izzy: And now, Pokémon swearing.

Dextrose: I love how the author goes into such detail over... Pokémon... details. Okay actually I don't, but you know what I mean.

a huge red exoskeleton

Dextrose: He he he... that phrase just cracks me up for some reason.

Izzy: If you were to ask me, there's no time for purple prose in a fight scene.

yelling colorful swears as he did so.

Dextrose: Oh, goldenrod!

thick armored skull was pounded into a pulp

Izzy: Pokékilling... just seems wrong.

Dextrose: Poképrophecies aren't exactly wrong, but... dang it, stupid copy-paste! -mutters-

her eyes were among the best she'd seen

Dextrose: She looks at her eyes?

copper-colored orbs

Dextrose: Oh my freaking Brian. They're /eyes,/ okay?

incredulous nature of the situation soak into her cranium.

Dextrose: Drip... drip... drip...

pale red fur... bright red fur...

Izzy: Geez, make up your mind!

"My... my... my... my... my... my... my... my... my..."

Izzy: Looks like somebody's keeping up with a word count.

skewering the small rodent's body in one fell swoop.

Dextrose: -cries- More Pokékilling! Waah!

Authors Note: Nothing much happened... besides fluff

Dextrose: Well, now the truth comes out, doesn't it?

Izzy: Here comes another Pokémon! Let's try to figure it out.

five-foot tall purple Promethean hulk of pure muscle, his very body embodying the essence of fitness

Dextrose: I vote Machoke.

Izzy: Probably...

rabbit-like, impressively sized ears

Dextrose: Huh? Rabbit of muscle?

Izzy: I don't got a clue.

Dextrose: Horn... spikes... pearl-white chest... Giant muscular Ratatta? With, uh... spikes?

Izzy: Or maybe...

Nidoking

Izzy: Awright! Two points!

Dextrose: No way. You didn't say before.

Izzy: Hey, I think it has a Scottish accent.

Dextrose: Heh.

"Verawen."

Dextrose: A-ha! So they /do/ have names!

Izzy: vu-RAY-win? ve-ruh-win?

Dextrose: Let it go, Izz.

"Name's Fjalburin."

Izzy: I'm not even gonna /try/ that one.

Dextrose: Okay, making up for the lack of copy-paste. Verawen's the Sneasel. She's teaming up with a dude named Epsilor.

Izzy: I was all intrigued.

Dextrose: And it's a freaking Bronzor.

Izzy: Hey, another character.

yellow-and-cream colored bipedal shrew

Dextrose and Izzy: Sandshrew.

Sandshrew

Dextrose: So, what do you think? Do we each get a point or neither of us?

Izzy: Whatever.

Dextrose: And it's named Griva.

Izzy: GREE-vuh? Gree-vaaaaaaaaaaa!

Dextrose: ...

he was winking at herself

Dextrose: Um... Izzy, fetch the Big Book o' Grammar.

Izzy: How about I get you an underling to do your dirty work?

Dextrose: No, no, my dirty work is washing dishes.

the Sneasel's heads

Izzy: And now, Pokémutants.

Dextrose: So they're called Team Nemesis? Who let them have that name?

Izzy: Would it be the Nidoking with the unpronounceable name?

Dextrose: I guess... but that's not the point. I'm making fun, Izzy. Not logic crap.

Izzy: Fine, fine.

Dextrose: So should I worry about the "not using the story or characters without permission"?

Izzy: Uhh...

Dextrose: Oh, wait. We're obscure enough to get away with sporking.

Izzy: We can hope.

Dextrose: Okay, next chapter. Braindead Vulpix's point of view, apparently.

Izzy: Can we find a more blatantly bad fanfiction next time?

Dextrose: Quiet, I'll miss something.

Izzy: Just the purple-prosation of the same room for a second time.

Dextrose: SSH!

ovoid

Dextrose: No comment.

"Xochicalco," I half-lied.

Izzy: I'm not even gonna touch that one.

Dextrose: What the helm. Witty comment about how that name /better/ be a lie.

furor

Dextrose: No comment.

"Yer mouth spews [poop] as well as your [bottomus]!"

Izzy: You barfed up your butt?

"woot ya did was completely unacceptable."

Dextrose: I thought he was speaking in chatspeak for a second there.

blah blah blah end of chapter 4.

Dextrose: That's all, is it?

Izzy: Apparently so.

Dextrose: Good. -shudders-

Izzy: Shall we abscond, then?

Dextrose: -checks wrist sundial- Either it's bedtime or I'm at the wrong angle again.

Izzy: So I noticed that last shudder wasn't "manly."

Dextrose: What?

Problem Sleuth

2009-03-11T17:09:00.000-07:00

Guess what happened today. Or maybe yesterday but I wasn't there. PROBLEM SLEUTH ENDED. Don't tell me you've never heard of it. Just CLICK THE LINK.

This was the single craziest, most awesome... -ahem- game I've ever played. It was almost one of those where I cried at the end. I'm certainly going to miss Problem Sleuth, Pickle Inspector, and probably Nervous Broad and her corset.... Erm, it's a long story. You're gonna have to CLICK THAT LINK. But it wasn't touching enough. Not at all.

So, in short, if you haven't read it, get to it. Ignore the occasional swear word and stuff, and it'll be... something. I kinda lost my train of thought there...

DEXTROSE: COMBAT OPERANDI: DEXTROSE EX MACHINA!!

February Sammie

2009-02-24T16:51:00.000-08:00

Boy, it's been a while. But here it is!

Nope, none of my lofty ambitions were reached. Unless Bulbasaur-Danny counts as a new character.

...I don't think he does.

YES THE JOKE'S ABOUT POKÉMON. Don't judge me. Next month, it's only going to get worse. I promise this time. =D

,':Y?

January Sammie

2009-01-15T14:46:00.000-08:00

Yeah, crap cannons are real. Here's a picture, apparently.

But, like, I said, they don't work, so don't worry about it. Except the Yu-Gi-Oh card. That totally works.

So I love all the continuity my comic's been having so far. It seems they've shrunk and Danny's glasses have grown since last month. And the little boxes look awful this time.

Plans for next time: Introducing female members to the cast. Or maybe just one.

2009-01-08T18:44:00.000-08:00

This... just speaks for itself. And it only works with me because I'm lord of the buttdance. Yeah.

Consumer Reports for my Christmas Presents

2009-01-01T11:10:00.001-08:00

Yeah, that's right. Christmas. I flatly refuse to say "holidays," as I think I explained in a Sammie down there. I'd rather make a list. Christmas, Hanukkah(spelling questionable), Kwanzaa, Frostval, Decemberween... and, you know, I don't have time for that. When I'm talking about Christmas I'm not afraid to say Christmas. At least not until I become famous and have cameramen following my every move. :D

Uh... where was I? Reviewing video games, right? Right. And not reviewing my new socks and undapants.

Okay. Firstly, Wii Music. Two words: holy crap. This is just... almost better than the thing that's better than the greatest thing since sliced bread. Or something like that. You can just... do all sorts of music and music-related stuff. Conducting an orchestra (with friends, at the same time), improvising (with accompaniment), and recording your own arrangement of classic songs. "Classic" is probably the best thing you can say about some of them. (Hey! Wanna play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?!) But then there's Mario. And, uh... all sorts of other buttdanceable tunes. Yeah. This gets, like, 4.7 urns out of 5. Urns because... it's a... funny word.

And then Rock Band. I think the makers of this game have a pact with Microsoft or something. I played the Xbox version and I was like, "Omg* I gotta get this game." So I get the Wii version, which turns out being more expensive and lacking my favorite part, band customization. What. the. helm. I'm also fairly certain that the only thing it has over the Xbox version is that the guitar is wireless. Of course, what do I care?? This would probably have 4.5 to 5 urns, but it lacks the best part. So it's at 3.8.

In short, Wii Music is waay better than everybody says, and don't buy a Wii if all you want to play is Rock Band.

*Not OMG; omg. Pronounced "AHMG."

My Two Latest Sammies Part 2

2008-12-10T17:50:00.000-08:00

Apparently, I can't get both of these in the same post. Bleah.

In short, merry Christmas or Christmas equivalent from all of... me.

My Two Latest Sammies

2008-12-10T17:36:00.001-08:00

I told you I'd find those things, didn't I? Here they are:

Visionary Tales

2008-12-08T16:01:00.000-08:00

This place has, like, three domain names. I'll use the one I can remember.

visionary-tales.com

'Tis a roleplaying site. It kicks butt. It's pretty much taken over my life. Uh... one day I'm gonna get better at this blogging thing. So... 'bye.

The Thirteenth Sandwich

2008-12-04T14:20:00.000-08:00

You know what stinks? Being a really great artist (if I do say so myself) and not having a scanner. So I've recently started to try getting around that by borrowing other people's scanners. I became the comics guy for the school newspapes. That's also a good way to make friends and influence people. Being a comics guy.

So, it's about these guys, Danny and Patsy, and whatever I decide is funny. Saving the world, wearing Spandex, breaking the fourth wall. And the title's pretty cool. "The Thirteenth Sandwich." Yeah.

So I'll probably post some of my comics up here as soon as I find them.

I wonder why I even have this blog...

Post Numba 2

2008-11-27T22:49:00.001-08:00

You know what ticks me off? Ridiculously short demos, especially ones with cliffhangers. That's what happened with me and Geneforge V yesterday. I'm all like, "Y'know, I don't think I like the Shapers. I'm gonna join the Rebellion," and Mekhen(sp?) is like, "Okay. Let's see if your actions live up to your words," and the game's all like, "Give us money so you can play. Bleh!"

Oh yeah, spoiler alert.

...I guess.

Yeah, I realize they can't include the entire game in the demo, but the other demos in the series were huge. I was thinking, "Geez, when is this gonna end?" I've two possible answers: Either this game's really small, or Spiderweb's become really desperate for money.

You know what else ticks me off? Not having a job, so I can't buy the full version.

The Legend Begins

2008-11-26T13:36:00.001-08:00

So I have my own blog now. Yeah. Don't know what I'm gonna blog about, but I'll come up with something later. Maybe I could, like, review video games or something. Or blab about daily life. Or, say, just whatever I feel like blogging about.

In today's post, let's stalk about Geneforge or something. I mean, talk.

It's this series of games by Spiderweb Software, about these people who can create life, called the Shapers. They're pretty much the government of the world. There's all sorts of controversy about how they use their creations, which are typically used as pack animals, fighters, or workers. The Shapers are pretty heartless about them. They'll absorb their life force if they need some energy, they'll leave them to die in a dangerous situation.

The latest of the series, Overthrow, has been pretty much consuming my life. A rebellion made up of humane societies and powerful allies has risen up against the Shapers, and you've got to end the war somehow. Yeah, it's actually much better than how I'm describing it.

It's for computer, by the way.

Whew! My first blog post. That wasn't too hard.