Review: StarFox: Assault

rated T for fantasy violence and Krystal is way hot

You know, before this game, the only shooter I had actually enjoyed was Chex Quest (and Halo, if the other players were also willing to dork around). And Dark Forces, I guess. In any case, it's one of the few. Probably because I only have to do the shooter part half the time, and the rest of the time it's a flight simulator.

It's one of those rare third-person shooters. And for good reason. You don't want /anything/ to get in the way while you're trying to see, especially if that's you. The enemies were big enough for that not to be much of a problem, I guess, and with all the rolling, I'd really get thrown off. Maybe that's the reason I liked it so much. Why aren't the characters in shooters agile? Why can't you see the shots coming and get a chance to dodge? Assault really delivered for me.

Then there's the whole reason I wanted it in the first place: the flight. It's so refreshing, after Star Wars Battlefront, to have a ship that can take a hit, and that can hit other ships. Some missions have you kind of maneuver around a canned course, and that was still fun. My favorites, though, were the ones where I could fly my Arwing however I wanted. Those also tended to include my favorite vehicle, the Landmaster, and also some of the regular type shooting. Landing the Arwing was the main problem.

The only thing that was really missing was a "delegate" button. Just when you start getting on a roll, one of your teammates will yell "Help me, Fox!" and you have to drop what you're doing, run to a tank (or already be in a worthy vehicle, in most cases, but that's not the point) and quickly learn how to shoot with one of those things. Fox should be able to look up and say, "Come on, you guys. Krystal, take care of Slippy." Also, it was really short, and it kind of felt odd that they waited to heap on the challenge until the final mission.

I haven't really tried multiplayer much, but I know Slippy is my favorite character. He's slow, but great with a Landmaster, and his shots charge really fast. But if we're dogfighting, I'm probably gonna go with Falco, because Slippy is a joke in an Arwing.

As long as nobody gets one of those heatseekers of one-hit kill*, multiplayer's fine.

4.7 urns out of 5. Or was my system out of four? I should change it to out of four. And only be able to do increments of half. Okay. 3.5 urns out of 4. Thank you, goodbye.

*+3?

While I'm here...

Yeah, I've been sick for the past few days, with nothing to do but play old Xbox games. But, you know, no worries there. This is basically behind-the-scenes for the previous posts. Well, this paragraph is, at least. And behind-the-scenes for this post, I guess.

I milked Fable II for all it was worth, and then some. I tried to play Fable I, but the Xbox 360 refused to save and crashed every fifteen minutes, which is short enough to not quite have fun, but long enough to stop me from trying again. Then, of course, there was Sonic Heroes and Halo. Fortunately, there was a good game somewhere in the pile. I called it Jade Empire. 'Cause that was its name.

Set in some kind of Asian place (China or something?), it apparently infuriates Japanese Culture Gregs everywhere. Thankfully, I simply watch one anime show sometimes, so I was allowed to enjoy it. It has a couple odd things about it, like how all the characters are really shiny. And the accents (or lack thereof) kind of seem strange in the beginning, but then you realize everything they're saying is being translated, right?

Uhm... yes.

As a gamernerd who is not as experienced as most, I don't realize that the plot is full of what is known as "clichés" and I am allowed to enjoy that, too.

One concern is the battle system gets kind of easy once you've trained up your styles enough. Remember that the game isn't getting easier, but that you, as a gamer, are an expert. If you really want challenge, though, you can raise the difficulty anytime. Or lower it, if you're not so great. A nice thing is that the difficulty that would normally be called "Normal" is called "Master". It makes you feel even better about your elite skills.

I don't even know how much game is left and I already want to replay it. That should say something about the, uh... value thereof. Of replaying. Yeah.

Ah, yes. Another problem would be that when you learn new styles, you don't want to train them up, because that would mean taking attention from your current styles that you're mastering. I kinda want to use Legendary Strike, but it would do next to nothing at this point in the game unless I put all my style points into training it. Which I don't want to do, because it would still be weaker than the rest of my styles.

Of course, it's got the main thing every game seems to need, one o' them anthropomorphic dual-tailed foxes. Several of 'em, actually. I don't know what the deal is. Other demons include Cobar's good twin brother, who seems to have yet another evil twin.

Yeah, I recommend it. All sorts of butt-kicking, both literal and otherwise. And butt-punching, but let's not go there.

My Least Favorite Games: From Crappy to Overhyped

Mortimer Johnson:

You're gonna have to face it, Sonic the Hedgehog. Your switch from the second dimension was very ill-advised. An example of this crap: Sonic Heroes.

You see, I prefer the type of game where I don't have to wonder, "Wait. What does this button do /now?/" I like to not have to push buttons two or three times to get the team configuration the way I want it, and I'm not gonna blame myself for it. A true gamer never blames himself.

Honestly, it doesn't look like much teamwork is actually involved. Only one character at a time can actually do stuff, while the other two grab onto his or her legs, or mysteriously learn to run a lot faster. There isn't an I in team, is there? Also, I think the inactive team members should be more than deadweight, or projectiles on occasion.

Also, I like how being flung into a robot doesn't hurt, but walking into it makes you lose every single hard-earned ring. That's the worst part right there. They want you to do all your messing up in the beginning, while the level /should/ grow increasingly difficult. Doing splendidly the whole time and make a tiny slip-up at the end is /worse/ than messing up in the beginning when everything's easy.

While I'm here, Master Chief, you have a lot of explaining to do yourself. Did you think you got away unnoticed with your wannabe Samus suit? Well, since you haven't gotten sued, I guess you did.

Halo was made for multiplayer. With the recharging shields and all, you have to have enemies that'll keep on you instead of cluelessly standing around when they can't see you. Maybe some of them might, but I didn't see any in the first level of Halo II on Easy, and that's really all I have to judge you on, but then that's where beginners start, and the game should catch their attention there.

As a rebuttal, I'm vaguely interested in the plot, but it's not worth going through the game for.

That's me, the master of old news.

Best. Game. EVAR.

In case you hadn't noticed, Pokémon Mystery Dungeon 2 is my favorite video game of all time. The gameplay honestly isn't all that great without some motivation. So how the crap is it such a great game?

The answer, my friends, is the plot.

The plot is what makes a truly great game. Don't give me any of your graphics crap, Microsoft. You too, Sony. (Of course, the graphics aren't bad or anything. It's just that this generation of consoles, you can't see imperfections in the 3D-ness unless you get waaay closer than you'd want to. Hecks, I couldn't tell on the GameCube.) Gameplay had better not be dumb, either. If I have to go through a bunch of /crap/ to get the story done, I--don't like. Also, crappygamedesigners, there's a fine line between fun-challenging and /stupid/-challenging. Also music. Music makes a good game. Good music, of course.

Anyways. The plot. I don't know. It's one of those games that I cried at the end of. I-it was touching, what can I say? (Oh, good, now I have to address the issue of crying in video games.) Everything seemed well-timed. Just when I was getting tired of pointless exploration, I get some real tasks. I admit I haven't gone all the freaking way through. It's just I get hungry for more world saving and start the game over.

So, about the crying thing. Have you ever cried during a movie before at a character's death or death equivalent? Or a book, Brian forbid? (I'm not sure I used that phrase correctly.) What's the difference? I'll tell you what the difference is. In a book, the character's actions are all in your imagination. In a movie, you watch them happen. But in a video game, the actions are, essentially, actions you have made. The video game is the only medium that can identify you with the character so fully. Why can't they be seen as what they are, another storytelling medium? Probably because a lot of them actually aren't, but let's not get into that.

Anyways, we managed to get off the topic of the ultimate game and onto the topic of my philosophical superiority. My apologies.

Umm... I'm pretty sure I can end this post here, right? Please? Well, I don't care what you say; I'm done.

Good ooold the bargain bin.

Yeah. So. I've begun to think that "bargain bin" is a misnomer. I mean, you wouldn't want to pay ten bucks for a pile of crap, would you? I didn't think so. (Kid in the back? Shut it.)

Three words: Rock 'n' Roll Adventures. (Unless that's four words.... Three and a half?)

Ugh. I don't know. Some people think that just because it's a platformer, they can sell it. Never mind if it has crappy controls, a repulsive protagonist, and no real challenge. If they do put challenge in, it's the frustrating kind that is in no way fun. Rock 'n' Roll Adventures fits all the criteria. Quite an accomplishment. Can I give negative urns?

Now, don't think that just 'cause it's in the bargain bin, it means it's bad. Also found in the bargain bin: Rubik's World. If you're into puzzle games, edutainment, and writing music, it's a fairly good game. (And everything's optional, so if you don't like one of the things I mentioned, you can avoid it.)

I thought it was pretty dumb at first, but then I found out the stuff you build in this one area shows up in other areas, and the music you write in a different area plays when you do various things... it's all so... wonderful. Magical. Okay, not really. But. One of the puzzle games works. The music thing is cool. There's even a thing that steps you through solving a Rubik's Cube, which is a good incentive to buy it if you find it in a bargain bin. Possibly even at full price, when you consider all the other cool stuff. But, unless you're really into puzzle games, it doesn't really satisfy. 3.5 urns out of 5.

And it came to pass that I taught my disciple--I mean, disciples--and lo, they did wax wise in the ways of the bargain bin.<sup>a

a</sup>GR: They came to the D'rose for advice.

Seiken Densetsu 3

Seiken Densetsu 3 is a really obscure game. Probably because it wasn't actually released in America, or, indeed, anywhere outside Japan. If you want to get your hands on it, you're going to have to be some kind of eBay master. Or maybe if you have a Wii and convince Square to let Nintendo put it on Virtual Console. That'd be cool.

Anyways, it's about a bunch of teenage dudes. And chicks, too, I guess. Teenage in, you know, general years (if that even makes sense), because there's this one half-elf who looks like she's five. Apparently, I've never played Final Fantasy and don't know the potential of a video game plot, but I, personally, really liked it. Plus, depending on the characters you choose for your group, it can have six different beginnings and three different endings. It's CRAZY.

I guess I can give you a summary. SPOILER ALERT BUT NOT REALLY MUCH SPOILED IN ANY CASE. I played a game with Kevin as the main character. Kevin's a beastman; by this game's definition, some kinda fusion of wolf and human. One day, as he's out in the forest, his pet wolf Karl suddenly turns on him and beats the crud out of him. As Kevin staggers back to his feet, he transforms into a werewolf (a /different/ fusion of wolf and human. Go figure.) and, before he realizes what he's doing, beats the crud out of Karl in return.

After a funeral which only he attends, he mopes back to the Beast Kingdom. As he wanders around, he overhears some plans to invade nearby human civilizations. Pacifist that he is, he looks for the Beast King, his father, to try and persuade him otherwise. But he's not in the throne room. As Kevin looks elsewhere, he overhears more stuff. It's the Beast King and his new right-hand man, the Deathjester. Apparently, the king had ordered the Deathjester to use dark magic to make Karl attack him. Consumed by rage, Kevin busts through a wall and attacks the king, who counters his blow and flings him back to the forest. Right next to Karl's grave.

Kevin finds the Deathjester in the forest, who runs in fear. In return for not killing him, the Deathjester tells him about the Sword of Mana, the blade that basically controlled the universe. It could surely bring back Karl.

Fairly soon, epic music starts playing and Kevin sets off on his quest.

END SPOILER ALERT

Okay, that's just a summary of one beginning, but still. It sounds good from there, right? And it only gets better.

The combat style is kind of action-style RPG. Almost Legend of Zelda. It's flippin' sweet. Uhh... I don't have experience with describing these things.

Then there's class changing. It's kind of like evolving in Pokémon. At level 18, if you find a Mana Stone, you can use it to change your character's color scheme! Of course, they also get way more powerful and everything. But the color scheme change is probably the most exciting part. When you're me. And then a second class change happens at level 38 or higher, but you have to have a certain item.

It goes something like this: What? Duran is evolving! Congratulations! Your fighter evolved into a knight!

Not really but still.

So. Exciting game. I vowed never to give something 5 out of 5 urns (it is out of 5, right?), so it's gonna have to settle for 4.999. REALLY. AWESOME. GAME. A reason to find an SNES on eBay. I don't even think I mentioned you can have up to two friends playing with you. AWESOME.

So. 4.999 urns out of 5. As close as you get to perfection. (At least, I hope, because if I find anything better than this, I don't know what I'll do. -trademark sheepish grin-) So, I'm gonna go play through another ending now.

Consumer Reports for my Christmas Presents

Yeah, that's right. Christmas. I flatly refuse to say "holidays," as I think I explained in a Sammie down there. I'd rather make a list. Christmas, Hanukkah(spelling questionable), Kwanzaa, Frostval, Decemberween... and, you know, I don't have time for that. When I'm talking about Christmas I'm not afraid to say Christmas. At least not until I become famous and have cameramen following my every move. :D

Uh... where was I? Reviewing video games, right? Right. And not reviewing my new socks and undapants.

Okay. Firstly, Wii Music. Two words: holy crap. This is just... almost better than the thing that's better than the greatest thing since sliced bread. Or something like that. You can just... do all sorts of music and music-related stuff. Conducting an orchestra (with friends, at the same time), improvising (with accompaniment), and recording your own arrangement of classic songs. "Classic" is probably the best thing you can say about some of them. (Hey! Wanna play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?!) But then there's Mario. And, uh... all sorts of other buttdanceable tunes. Yeah. This gets, like, 4.7 urns out of 5. Urns because... it's a... funny word.

And then Rock Band. I think the makers of this game have a pact with Microsoft or something. I played the Xbox version and I was like, "Omg* I gotta get this game." So I get the Wii version, which turns out being more expensive and lacking my favorite part, band customization. What. the. helm. I'm also fairly certain that the only thing it has over the Xbox version is that the guitar is wireless. Of course, what do I care?? This would probably have 4.5 to 5 urns, but it lacks the best part. So it's at 3.8.

In short, Wii Music is waay better than everybody says, and don't buy a Wii if all you want to play is Rock Band.


*Not OMG; omg. Pronounced "AHMG."