Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Nerdiness

In case there are some overzealous lawyers around, I DON'T OWN YOUR CRAP, OKAY? Oh, wait, except it's not crap or I wouldn't be borrowing some, would I? Though some would borrow crap. That's not me, though.

In more legalese terms, I do not own any of the games I make reference to or anything, nor am I so much as affiliated with them.

PMcC:

One of our greatest wishes as gamers is an opportunity to go pro. For some weird reason, people would rather watch football on television than Soul Calibur and such. Well, barring that, we look for an opportunity for our staggering knowledge of trivia to come in handy.

Well, when you're pretty much a god (and that, my children, is a discussion for another day), you tend to get your wishes in some way or another. And sometimes your friends get involved.

I guess it all started with another accident at the mad scientists'. Those seem to happen quite a bit. She still trusts us, for some reason. "Just don't touch anything!" Honestly, Flux, what else is there to do here?

Honestly, I'm beginning to think it's a bad thing that she trusts us, as she's working on fabric-of-reality type stuff.

Knocking down the huge, blinking-lights thingy couldn't hurt, could it? Especially since the batteries didn't seem to be inside it? "But then," said Mort, "How is it blinking?" Thankfully, we managed to cover our tracks and get the helm out of there before Flux showed up.

Right now, I'm trying to think of my decision to run as a blessing instead of a curse...

It was a typical day at Edward Teach High. Y'know, nothing fun that should be, and something odd like English being the best thing ever. But still, you end up looking forward to lunch all day. Except after it, of course, when you look forward to tonight's Guitar Hero party.

Gotta have the cliques in a stereotypical high school setting. You know, preps, jocks, emos, girls who are way hot but probably total jerks. Can't think of the word you would typically use for thems. I was glad I didn't look like a nerd/geek, the conglomerate that had to be made because of increasingly small numbers, since our territory (i.e. table) was at the end of the room. There was probably jeering and all that. Or maybe everybody's too self-absorbed to care. I noticed Mort and Cassie didn't seem emotionally scarred.

In fact, I realized as I sat, Mort was the only one who looked all that nerdy. And that was pretty much just the glasses.

Mort took a break from simultaneously eating a sandwich and playing Pokémon to do the secret handshake. All the best groups have to have those, I tried to reassure myself as I glanced self-consciously about. Luckily, he and Cassie were too locked in epic combat to notice.

Deciding it best not to disturb them, I ate in silence for a while, regarding other nerds busy playing their Yu-Gi-Oh and Magic: The Gathering and, on the far end, Dungeons and Dragons. Basically too focused to have a conversation with. Socializing was tough today without a DS, deck, or very special piece of paper.

One game ended with a frustrated sigh and a triumphant laugh. Mort gave his famous line: "What kind of self-respecting trainer uses potions?"

"Yeah," Cassie jokingly agreed, "Or EV training, or breeding, or far too many vitamins."

"At least I fight with honor."

"At least I fight with power!" she laughed, taking a swig of chocolate milk.

I managed to stop Mort before he managed to start playing his dejected game of Dr. Mario. "How's it going?"

He looked surprised. "How do you think? I just got my butt kicked. You wouldn't believe the Special Defense on Cassie's--"

I rephrased the question. "How is your life outside the virtual plane?"

He had to think for a moment. "Well, I've been a little worried that Flux is gonna invent a death ray and need test subjects."

"I don't think she knows about the last one yet."

A loud beeping silenced the room. We kind of learned our lessons that time when they turned the intercom way up to be heard and we were deaf for the rest of the day. Not fun.

"Attention, students."

Yeah, why bother? You've got it.

"Please do not be alarmed."

Fire drill.

"This is not a drill."

Excitement sparked up. A real fire?

"The school is now under quarantine."

Better not be a real fire. But with our staff...

"The cooties virus--"

Uh-oh.

"--has made a sudden reappearance."

As long as we're quarantining the virus out...

The principal's voice... changed in some way. I couldn't quite make it out right then. "Inside the school."

The entire school broke into screams of "Oh, crap!" and similar.

Laughter. I hoped it was of the oh-man-this-is-gonna-hurt-best-case-scenario variety. "Fortunately, there are enough biohazard suits--"

Phew.

"--for me."

No, that was evil laughter.

"I have to thank the local mad scientist for the mutant variation. I hope there are at least 493 of you."

What was that supposed to mean? And why did that number seem so familiar? Wasn't the local mad scientist Flux? Didn't she teach Basic Mad Science class here?

As the school erupted into general chaos, Mort answered one of the questions I hadn't actually asked out loud. "493. There are 493 Pokémon..."

"What a coincidence?" Cassie said hopefully.

"I don't think so. Just don't ask." I sighed, mentally preparing myself for the horrors ahead. "Mort, this is partly your fault."

"What?" he demanded.

I corrected myself. "I mean, if my theory's correct."

That seemed to be a relief. I wondered what that could mean.

Mort, Cassie, and I banded together. All the rest of the nerd/geek clique were "too old for that stuff" to listen to us. Originally, we thought we should meet in the Mad Science classroom, but then we remembered Flux's odd behavior recently and decided on the band room. No one would take refuge there.

I took charge. I had a tendency to when Tracy wasn't around. "So, Mort," I said, hitting my most authoritative pose, "any exits open?"

He scoffed. "I told you it was a dumb idea. Angry mobs have already tried all of 'em. And they seem to be unbreakable."

"Cooties is probably going fast," I muttered. "Cass--what did I send you to do again?"

"Mad Science room is locked. No sign of Flux."

"Hmm." I wanted to say "good," but I wasn't sure this was good. "Either of you infected yet?"

Mort checked his hand. "Not that I can tell."

"I think I'd notice," said Cassie.

"That's good," I said. "Okay, let's go over it again. No way out, no way to get to Flux, no way to the principal. But I refuse to just let us sit here until we have to resort to cannibalism."

"It'll only kind of be cannibalism by the time we're through," said Cassie.

"As long as I don't get Nidoqueen, I think I'm good," said Mort.

"Could that happen?"

"Maybe. I don't--"

"It didn't happen with the pandemic."

"Yeah, well, there were only, like, three Pokémon in the pandemic. Hardly a reasonable--"

"Will you two stop talking about it like it's inevitable?" I yelled.

"Will you stop pretending it isn't?" Cassie replied, much calmer than I was. "Look, I'm thinking we can wait, and then figure a way to escape with our new powers."

"Also, I better not get Magikarp or Chikorita or Goldeen, or, like, Jynx--"

I massaged my temples, groaning quietly. "No, escape isn't an option, either. Then it would spread."

"Would it really be that bad, a world of Pokémon?" Cassie asked, sounding as philosophical as she could.

"Yes," was the short answer. "You remember the pandemic? Think that, but superpowered."

She had an excellent imagination. I could see her horror clearly as she said, "I see."

"I'm hoping, say, Bulbasaur. Though I guess Butterfree wouldn't be that bad, even if it is girly, 'cause it can learn some--"

"Shut up, Mortimer!" I snapped. "I think I have a decent plan now."

"Well, let's hear it then!" said Mort, clearly ticked off.

I pushed back my anger. A leader was stronger than this. "Okay. We need a cure, and we can't leave and spread it, even if we could. This kind of stuff couldn't be done by a normal scientist; we need a mad one. That's Flux. I don't care what just happened; she's our only hope right now."

Mort was stunned. He didn't expect logic from me. I guess I get that way when I'm stressed.

"Can we wait a while, though?" Cassie asked. "I wanna try out the Pokémon thing for a little while. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity."

"You might be Jynx."

The sheer horror of this paralyzed her. All except for her mouth, I guess. "Right. Let's get to it."

This is the end of side 1. To continue listening to "PMD: EoN," please fast-forward to the end of the tape and flip it over.