The Biggest Spell in History

DH:
Jellian* hero Connor the Dragonslayer was among the thousands of spellcasters who teleported the city of Battleon earlier today.

A week ago, mage Warlic had a disturbing vision, in which Drakath selected his next Lord of Chaos. Or should I say, next two Lords of Chaos. Or should I say, /Ladies/ of Chaos.

In any case, they advised Drakath to use his surprisingly vast power to pull two meteorites out of space into Battleon, the hub of Lore.

Basically, bad news all around.

Connor attended the meeting of Lore's leading mages. "They had all sorts of ludicrous ideas," he said, "and I was like, 'hey, why don't we just move Battleon?' and they came up with dumb ways of doing that, and I said, 'guys, seriously, we could just teleport it or something.' Yeah, basically, I have the best ideas."

Teleporting or something takes a ridiculous amount of magical power. Therefore, it couldn't possibly be done without a ridiculous number of mages. Though not technically a mage himself, Connor agreed to help.

"Mages are lame," Connor said, "but I'm training as a healer so I can start training under Artix as a paladin."

After battling an estimated million elementals for a magical catalyst known as Flux†, Connor and every magic user of every kind in Lore gathered around Battleon for the final spellcasting.

To make a long story short, Battleon is safe now... but not as safe as everyone would hope. For the rest, you'll have to visit here.

Thank you, and good night.

*adj. From or made in the Kingdom of Jell
†No, not the mad scientist.
The Legend of Dextrose and its staff are not responsible for any slightly inaccurate information.

Post Numba 30: Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy and Sucrose and Daxton

Dextrose: Our thirtieth post! Truly, a cause for celebration!
Izzy: Yes. Well, hold the party mix. It's best we visit fanfiction.net on empty stomachs.
Dextrose: Oh. 'Cause the first bucket's already empty.
Izzy: How do--
Dextrose: Anyways, as the title suggests, today's sporktastic adventures happen to have a couple special guest stars: My little bro, Sucrose, and his friend, Dax. Whose name is /not/ Dex.
Sucrose: It's Daxton.
Dextrose: Okay. Well, uh, since we're all about innovation here at The Legend of Dextrose, we've come up with this time-saving thingy-thing. Abbreviation!
Izzy: What?
Dextrose: The question you were /supposed/ to ask was "how does it work?"
Izzy: Fine.
D: Like this! Now we can--
I: Dex, Dax has the same first initial.
D: Hmm... last names? How many of us have those?
D: I know! Let's put Dex as DE and Dax as DA.
D: That's dumb. I say first and last initial. I am now DT and I don't think the rest of you /have/ last names.
D: -flips DT off-
I: Nope.
S: Hey, what about me?
DT: Oh, fine, you can be ST, then.
Izzy I: All right. This show needs to be getting on some roads.
DT: All right, men! And kittygirl. Team pose! Hwaa!
D: -flips off audience- By the way, this is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
DT: That ain't a pose, Dax.

Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy and Sucrose and Daxtonis sponsored by:
andrhats, author of Soul Mates.

DT: Soul Mates. The perfect generic title. 76 freakin' chapters of Zelda badness.
I: You can't know that yet.
DT: Yeah, guess not. Well, you may now consider this party started.
Chapter 1: Moonlit Night
DT: ...and a perfectly generic chapter title. Aren't they supposed to, like, give a brief description of the proceeding chapter?
D: -chews-
ST: Where'd you find that?
D: Lake Hylia. There are /lots/ of fish.
DT: ...Fish?
I: Hey, amateurs. We're supposed to be focusing on the story?
DT: And the accidental insinuendos.
I: -muttering- Quit being a bad influence.
ST: MEH!!!
DT: Anyways,
The moon rose over Lake Hylia, casting its pale light over the land.
DT: Dag. Usually there's something to make fun of in the first sentence.
the stage was set for the night's concert.
DT: First paragraph's close enough. Can anyone say, "Bad metaphor?"
I: I dunno. To some people, cricket chirps and wave splashes can sound musical.
DT: Yeah, well some people are utter loonies.
ST: Bad metaphor.
naked
DT: Whoo! Good job, Link! Second paragraph!
I: Dex, it was a metaphor about a tree.
D: Yeah, too bad. -winks at Izzy-
I: What's that supposed to mean?
perfection
I: And there we go again. "Perfect" should never describe a character's aspect.
DT: Especially the face, breasts, or butt.
ST: THIS ISN'T TWILIGHT!!!!!
He was wearing a dark blue exoskeleton
DT: Tee hee hee hee hee hee! Exoskeleton is just the funniest word!
ST: Wait. He's a bug?
Truth to be told,
I: Ha! The messing up of a common phrase!
stripping him of his ruined tunic
DT: Wait for it, wait for it! That's not even the good part!
and leggings.
D: First base!
DT: Dude, I think that's, like, fourth.
there was something about the golden-haired youth that was so alluring...
DT: Okay, time for a few things I don't get. Number one: Supposedly Sheik-Zelda is male. Number two: Supposedly he is gay.
I: Think about it. If you turned into a guy occasionally, you'd be gay too.
DT: No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have any turning into to do anyway.
D: Yeah, we're all guys here except for you.
Whimpering, the hero drank greedily of the bottle, wincing at the taste.
DT: Is it just me, or does that sentence not go together at all?
ST: /I/ agree.
DT: Also, is he still nakers?
D: No, he is wearing bandages.
DT: But what I'm saying is, did his tenders get hurt?
I: Aaaugh! Cleanse! Cleanse!
D: Teh heh heh.
He had seen the Hero once when they were both young boys.
DT: Hold on, what? Either I missed something when I played Ocarina of Time, or Andrew McHats thinks the sheik and Zelda are two different people.
I: Didn't you... not beat that one?
DT: Ssh!
The little, glowing, blue creature had been missing when the Hero had arrived.
DT: -eyes light up- Could it be...?
I: Is she...?
"Hero," the Sheikah said softly, "Where is your fairy?"
DT: The suspense is killing me...
teleport Sheik inside the Water Temple.
DT: Oh, good idea. Leave naked Link all alone.
ST: He'll be fine.
DT: But what if some hot chicks find him?
He huffed, annoyed that he had gotten wet.
I: Whadda you want? It /is/ the Water Temple.
The whole point of teleporting inside was to prevent himself getting wet.
DT: -snickers-
Her little body shone brightly even in death.
DT: What a relief! Now, whatever you do, don't play the Song of Healing!
Warning: This story will contain slash
I: But... but... Sheik is Zelda, isn't she... it? Something?
DT: /Now/ you tell me. Three words: What. The. Crap.
I: Um, so, brain bleach is getting expensive these days. Can we quit here, then?
The Hero's condition
I: WWHYYYYYYYYYY?
DT: We gotta give our fans some stuff to chew on.
I: I don't think they want to chew on it!
had not changed
I: Please! PLEEASE!
DT: Look, I'm not budging, so quit while you're ahead.
Surely the Hero did not like Sheik enough that it would cripple him if the Sheikah got hurt.
DT: -whimpering- Please no?
I: Hold on, I thought you liked making gay jokes.
DT: That's only when they're unintentionally /seeming/ gay.
"No...please don't...don't kill her...Navi..."
DT: Feh. I, for one, would consider that cause for celebration.
I: What? Dex, his--
DT: There was this one time when I thought I shot her with my slingshot, and then she reappeared.
I: Surely you didn't--
DT: I was kinda worried for a little while, thinking she might actually come in handy later, but I have an excuse. I had only just started playing.
I: Uh...
The exoskeleton had absorbed quite a bit of water
DT: Tee hee hee hee! That's /still/ the funniest word ever!
and had soaked Sheik to the bone.
I: Wait... exoskeletons are made of bone.
D: Maybe it was made of fake bone!
I: Even so, it wouldn't take much to soak to it.
He tried to remember how the song went... eleven notes.
DT: Really? -whistles and counts-
Everyone: ...
DT: Yeah, he's right. Dag.
Ingo... grinning evilly
DT: Aw, come on. He's not /that/ bad/.
ST: Yes he was. He wouldn't let me have the horse!
DT: Perhaps, but did you ever see an evil grin? It was more like a crazed stare.
ST: -grumbles-
Chapter 3: Poison and Fire
I: Finally, a real chapter title.
DT: Honestly...
I: Unfortunately, if you think about it for more than half a second, it gives the whole chapter away.
The Hero
The Hero
The Hero
DT: Geeze, you guys, it's Chapter 3 and they /still/ aren't calling him Link yet?
ST: Yeah, well people who write fanfic often fail at such things.
DT: Yup yuppers. Some time we're gonna have to find somebody who /really/ doesn't know how to write. Strangely enough, there don't seem to be any in the games fanfiction section. Could that possibly mean that--
I: Nah.
Evil King
Evil King
DT: Also, he's Ganondorf. I really hope you spell it incorrectly when you finally write it.
"There's a bottle he needs to drink and ointment that must be spread on his wounds," she said tersely.
I: The only way that could be more terse is if she explained quantum mechanics.
DT: Hold on. Dax, fetch the Big Book o' Definitions!
D: Who do you think I am? Your slave?
DT: As champion smitemaster, I outrank you, knave.
terse: sparing in the use of words; abrupt.
I: So what was that all about?
DT: Oh, I was hoping to catch you in a... word you don't actually know.
cuccoos that tried to peck his eyes out
DT: They run from you. They only attack when they are the cavalry that is called when you beat the crud out of one of 'em.
I: I'm just trying to figure out their swears. "Thank the goddesses" and "Oh gods."
"There were some bandages...down there..."
DT: Oh. So he /did/ bandage them up.
I: -shudders- Don't talk, Dex.
gently stroked his knuckles on the silky skin
DT: Eww! EWWWWWW!
I: Dex, you're the one always joking about these things.
DT: But this time it's /gay!/
L...the Hero
DT: Oh, I see. You're not allowed to speak of his name. That's not gonna help you avoid any lawsuits.
I: I notice the spelling is getting increasingly worse.
DT: Honestly, what with all the... unmentionable, I'm not surprised.
The Hero had adorned his green tunic and cap again
ST: You fail, Mr. Adrhats.
I: That, or Link really /is/ gay here.
DT: Yeah, mans equals /not/ fancy clothing.
I: And /again?/
DT: I mean, I don't even /wear/ clothing.
I: -squeals- Oh yeah, that's okay for your race.
DT: Yes it is. -buttdances atop royal Theguy throne-
it felt alien to sit in the saddle.
I: Except the time you rode a couple days ago.
Please leave a review if you like the story!
DT: But /only/ if you like it.
Fair enough, there were few things that could kill him on that ranch, but still...
I: Arrgh. I'm so sick of this messing up of common phrases in relatively good grammar's clothing.
DT: Wait... what?
leaving him in the blue exoskeleton
DT: Tee hee hee hee! Stop!
"...super-special milk..."
DT: More like super special /awesome/ milk!"
ST: I want some I want some!
"There isn't a moment to loose..."
I: You either mean there isn't a moment to lose, or there isn't a moment too loose.
DT: Heh. Let's go with the second one.
So. Skipping chapters... Chapter 19: Link's Problem.
I: Kill me now.
Link carefully rolled down Sheik's exoskeleton
DT: -wonders if he should giggle or be grossed out-
"I can sense that you won't wake up for a while. Why don't we...enjoy ourselves?"
DT:-eyes widen- RUN!
I: -absconds-

Back at the base...

DT: So... I noticed, as always, that I was the one doing the most commenting. That's gotta stop. The rest of you guys have jokes, too, right?
-looks around-
Guys?
...
Guys?
...And Izzy?
...
TO BE CONTINUED...

The Thirteenth Sandwich: Chapter 1

DH: Looks like I need to do some minor editing, but thus was the birth of my every-few-daysly webcomic! Color? Don't ask me about color. Not an actual comic, you say? Well, it was time-consuming enough. Anyways, the staff of The Legend of Dextrose have agreed to host these guys until I get my hands on a nice website. Which cost money, I hear, unless I do something lame like Freewebs.

Well, in any case, looks like I got a new Facebook picture.

Regarding the Unsliced Project...

As you can expect from us at The Legend of Dextrose, the Unsliced Project has been put on hold. Danny, the guy in charge, decided he didn't feel like it, gosh. After some thought, he decided it was not the best idea he had. In fact, he isn't sure he's ever going to start.

Now I, Dextrose, explain the... the, uh... complex... brain things. Okay, I don't know what I'm talking about. Basically, he doesn't want to have any chance of getting sued. I don't know, I guess you can get sued for about anything these days. We at The Legend of Dextrose don't really want to pay his way out of it, now he mentions it. So, uh, yes.

He thought it would be funnier if characters in The Thirteenth Sandwich made references to "the Unsliced incident" and never actually wrote about it. As usual, his comedy shall certainly go unappreciated.

While I'm here, I'll mention that the anniversary of my birth coincides with his birthday. Go figure.

SUMMER BREAK

Summer break can mean one (or more, we're not picky) of many things. For us at the Legend of Dextrose Blogtastic Blog, it certainly does.

For Dextrose, dragonslaying season is on. For Patsy, sleeping in, chillin', and generally avoiding responsibility. For Danny, it's marching band (Ha! Nerd! -Patsy) and writing Unsliced. But for some of us, nothing has changed. Flux is still mad scientisting. Cassie's still off saving the world. Some things know no breaks.

Also, don't ask about Dr. Guapo or Nidorina (who we think has requested her name be changed to protect the innocent). Honestly, we haven't seen them enough to know. But they're probably still doin' what they're doin'.

So, happy days! As Dex's and Danny's anniversaries of birth fast approach, the people they know should start making plans. Dex, I think, invited the entire Virtual Plane, so if you happen to live there, you should be there.

Yup. Happy days.