Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy: Episode... 5?

Dextrose Theguy: Yeah, I fired the knave in charge of keeping track of those numbers. Now, I simply keep a general-work-stuff knave.

Izzy: Dex, you never had anybody to do your stuff except me.

DT: You only speak when spoken to, knave!

I: Ohhh...

DT: No, no, I'm a joke. The journey to the ultimate spork is gonna need all of our, uh... combined effort stuff.

I: Statement about teamwork?

DT: Yeah. Oughta have you on my side, right?

I: You certainly don't want me against you.

DT: Oh, it's not like I couldn't--uh, finish the sentence.

I: /end menacing glare

DT: Anyways, today I found someone fulfilling all my wishes in a spork! Real, natural bad writing, flame threats...

I: What?

DT: Flame threats?

I: Yeah, uh, what?

DT: Oh... she says WARNING: Don't flame me.

I: This isn't flaming.

DT: No, of course not. And it's not like she'll ever track us down here.

I: We can hope.

DT: ...Aaand probably self-insert.

I: Shall we get this party started, then?

DT: Party? In /there?/

I: Oh. Right.

Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy is sponsored by:

-a brief pause, that our hosts may breathe clean air-

Souldragon12, author of The Legend of Zelda: Passage of Soul

SUMMARY:

A girl whose name is Zelda for no real reason poofs from our world into Hyrule, also for no real reason. Her mom is actually Latias. Yes, the Pokémon. This is the Twilight Princess Hyrule, so when she enters the twilight (or, in this case, "nether-light") she switches to her beast form, right? It's a fox. A white fox. With two tails, yet again for no real reason. She rescues Link and Midna from some souped-up Shadow Beasts, hurts herself a lot, and fights a bunch of bosses.

IN-DEPTH SPORK:

Disclaimer: I do not own The Legend of Zelda or Pokemon Mystery Dungeon

DT: Wait... what? I don't think I clicked on the crossover section.

I: Brian protect us.

DT: What? This is gonna be better than we thought. Or worse, and therefore accidentally funnier. Yes?

My name is Zelda Galesten.

I: Wow. Somebody call the creativity police.

DT: /I'm/ the law, remember?

I: Note the word "creativity."

DT: Oww...

As for looks, think Saria, only older and hotter with Malon's hair-style.

I: Ah, the classic--

DT: Hey, check me out! I got the copy-paste working!

I: What'd you do?

DT: I dunno.

I: It looks kinda crappy now, though.

DT: So? We're gonna save, like, /minutes/ of time!

I: Anyway, as I was saying, it's the classic I-look-like-a-celebrity-only-different.

DT: Strangely, I can't think what the heck that would look like. Oh, wait... No, nothing.

Virgina

DT: Wow. I feel sorry for the people who live there.

I: What?

DT: Well, if they live up to their name...

I: Wha--oh. Dex...

old myths and the super natrual

I: Seeing as I have no idea what /normal/ natrual is like...

so I'm suck at home...

DT: Tee hee hee hee. Ee hee hee hee!

...with nothing to do, except playing Twilight Princess and Pokemon.

DT: Lucky...

I: Dex, what about your job?

DT: I only need to slay dragons, like, once a week.

And no flames or smarty pants crap!

I: Why would one /want/ to crap one's smarty pants?

DT: Some people are babies...

I: Yes, but babies are incapable of being smart.

DT: That's true. Hey, and you can say that, 'cause it's not like we're gonna offend any babies.

I: And it's not like it's not a fact.

Disclaimer: You know I already said I own NOTHING!

DT: Oh, good. Is she gonna put one of these at the beginning of each chapter?

I: It would seem so.

DT: Doesn't your very /presence/ on Fanfiction.net imply you don't own your story?

I: Something like that. But I think it's even more overzealous lawyer defense. Can't be too safe from lawyers.

“ Ms Glasesten!”, my teacher... called.

DT: Oh, it's one of those names even your teacher can't pronounce.

Did I mention that NOBODY in my entire school likes me?

DT: Why am I not surprised?

Now I would problobly be know as ‘The girl who cried algebra’ in the year book...

DT: Hey, that's a good title. I want that title.

I: Uhh...

DT: Except it'll be the guy. Dextrose Theguy who cried algebra. Sha-wingg!

right on top of my repution as the biggest Pokemon and Legend of Zelda geek of all time.

DT: Dang! I want that title, too!

I: -facepalm-

[string of expletives]

DT: Number one: Why would I be carrying poop in the first place, and two: no matter how cute it is, why would I kiss it?

Take This Quiz: What Do You Smell Like to Edward Cullen?

I: Say what?

DT: Tee hee hee.

I: Oh. Dex, that's an ad banner.

DT: It's still hilarious.

NOTE: I might switch from first to third so bear with me

DT: What? First to third what? Third base?

I: Eww, no. Third person.

DT: Say what?

I: First person is from the character's eyes, third means you follow the character.

DT: Oh, like first-person shooters! This is gonna be good!

I: Wha--no, not like--argh. Excuse my edutainment.

Vicky left me alone after I told her that the next time she’d put on her uniform, it would be two sizes too small.

DT: I'm sure this is naughty, but I can't figure out what it is.

Well, this is the part where I’d get sucked into the TP world.

I: Oh yeah SPOILERS

DT: You don't put spoilers inside the story.

I: I think she tried foreshadowing.

DT: Uh, Souldragon? NOO GOOD!

black Ninendo GameCube

DT: Oh no, I must be emo.

I: Dex, lots of people have black GameCubes. Besides, it's already been established she's a nerd/geek.

I heard phone the ring.

DT: And I cried out, "Where my hat is at?"

I lost my gaming sprit.

DT: Blasphemy!

So, I got my sorry [bottomus] up and turned it off.

DT: Why was it on in the first place? And what, exactly, does that mean?

I: Oh, it's Pet Peeve #88: Dreams and flashbacks in italics for no real reason.

DT: Actually, I think that's--

I: I don't care if it's right! I hate it!

"...thou shall meet ye destiny…..”

DT: Check me out. Normally I put excerpts in italics, but it was already in italics, so now it's in /not/ italics!

I: -pushes him out of the way- Pet Peeve #89: people who try to speak Olde Tyme English and don't know how.

DT: Oh, come on, Izz. Ye belongs in every Olde Tyme sentence.

I: Pet Peeve #90: People who think /that./

DT: Ohh...

DT: Ah, man. I was hoping for some mystical, uh... something. Y'know, reasons to suddenly find Zelly in an alternate universe other than "It is your destiny." Or "ye destiny," in this case.

“ Most of the time when we think we are alone, we are really not. Why would we feel alone when we are surrounded by the ones we truly care about?”

I: Ah, the obligatory spirit, god, or dragon with sage-type advice.

DT: Except her parents /weren't/ around. Thanks a lot, Ordona.

Six Elements

I: I can see we're not talking about the Periodic Table here, but I can only think of four.

DT: Fire, water, earth, wind, dark, light.

I: Wha--

DT: She shoulda made it eight and thrown in, like, moon and wood or something. Also, she should split earth into ground, grass, and rock, add steel--

I: Ahem.

Nerther-light

I: Sounds like a combination of northern and nether.

DT: Aurora of DOOM.

I: Dex, I don't think you even know what nether means.

DT: Well... not as such, but it's one of those words, you know? Secret, legend, tale...

I: Ah. Stock fantasy words.

DT: Yes.

There was a flash of liquid gold light.

DT: Oh. That sounds... tasty?

I knew how to read Unown.

DT: Oh, wow. Once again, I am jealous.

“ Oh gate that block my entery……"

DT: "/WHAT??/" said the gate.

“ OH HOLY MOTHER OF SH-!”

DT: By all means, finish your expletive. The one that comes to mind makes no sense, so let's hear yours.

I: Wouldn't any female who poops be one of those? Just not a holy one?

DT: I was thinking more along the lines of some kind of title in a religion centered around poop.

“ I’d wish could get across this fog…..”

DT: "Who the [helm] is I'd Wish?" Zelly cried.

Then, the twilight runes on my body turned from bronze, to green and they started to glow the same color.

DT: Wait... didn't you just... never mind.

“……..Did…….. Did I do this? …….."

DT: -drowns-

I: Good gravy! You only need three!

DT: Lives remaining: 2.

The wolf turned his head and gave me a wet lick on my face.

DT: Aw, come on. Why does everybody have to make Link an utter moron?

DT: I wonder when the whole Unown thing is gonna come into play.

“ HACK! HACK!"

I: I should probably mention that she was supposed to be choking, not saying hack.

“ Link, is that a fox with two tails?” she asked.

DT: Did she say anything about Sonic the Hedgehog in her disclaimers?

I: No, Zelly's the fox. Remember? The white dual-tailed fox?

DT: ...Yes?

I: What's so great about foxes?

DT: Especially ones with multiple tails?

“ I think so. But what’s she doing in a place like this?”

DT: Yeah. Seriously. Go find Sonic, you twit!

“ Of course I can see you, I not dumb!”

DT: "I beg to differ," Midna mumbled.

before I forget this whole chapt was recreated by Envoyshadow who really hepled me out.

DT: Oof. Good thing I didn't see it /before./

Link flustered a bit and did the anime fall on his face.

I: Dex?

DT: I'm fairly certain she didn't mean anime, and even if she did, I'm not a Japanese-culture-type nerd!

I: Just regular type?

DT: No, gamernerd.

Right now I had two choices, I could die right then and there, or I could howl for help. I decided it was best to howl.

DT: O.O You're a genius!

“ Well, I think you owe us now little fox,” said Midna smugly with her crooked smile.

DT: Uh, no she doesn't. She just rescued you guys. That means there is no debt, right?

“ YOU HAVE COME TO CHALLNAGE ME TO THE DEATH?!”

DT: No, not as such, but...

“ Yes. We have come to fight to the death!”

DT: What?

“ ...IF YOU SCUCCEED IN SUCH A DEED, WHAT IS YOUR REQUEST!?"

DT: /What?/

“ If we win, Faron, then you must let me heal your Light Soul, and allow me to lift this Nether-light,” Zelly barked

DT: Okay, so they're planning on killing him, and then healing his soul?

I: Fat lot of good that's gonna do.

DT: Ooh! Does that mean they get a Faron mask?

I: What?

Of course my complaints were ignored by the corrupted Spirit as he made his entrance by basting the tainted, smelly water all over the da[r]ned place.

I: I'm pretty sure basting is--

DT: Pouring juices on stuff while cooking to keep it moist.

I: ...some... kinda cooking thing. Why the heck do you--

DT: NO REASON!

AWESOME AS HEL[M]!!!

I: I personally see that place as the opposite of awesome.

The thing was going to choke the life out of her if someone doesn't do something!

I: That's when, without warning, I switched to the present tense!

“ Hyrule was once known as a place where the creatures known as the Pokemon lived."

DT: Oh holy Brian. Knave, copy-paste this whole story.

I: My name is Isabel, and we'd never get away with that.

Zelda, you are Latias’ chosen descendent.”

DT: Discussion time! I don't think legendaries reproduce, and if they did, how the heck would a descendant be human?

I: Well, when a man and a--

DT: That's not what I meant! I-- Hey, I think... that makes sense, but eww.

First of all, I end up in the Zelda universe and find out that Pokemon are real....or I think their real.

DT: Because I /knew/ Zelda was real.

“ So I’m Latias’ descendent? But how?” I questioned.

DT: That's what I'd like to know.

“ It is not my place to tell you."

DT: Oh, come /on!/

ginned crookedly

I: Had a bit too much to drink there?

Then the twilight runes on Zelly started to shimmer in liquid gold.

DT: Oh no! She's melting!

“That’s a red fox, you Deku Stick,"

DT: You gotta hand it to her, that's a pretty good insult.

I: Shut up, Deku Stick. Oh yeah, that feels really good.

Link and I had to our best to avoid them lest we want to both in up in Hyrule castle.

I: WHAT.

"I'm well aware of that Link. But I have to. My life is really nothing in the battle to free Hyrule of corruption and sorrow," she whined softly. My mouth dropped. Did she just say something wise?

DT: Not really.

I: Wasn't she, like, the key to saving Hyrule and all that?

curved piece of brown crap

I: All crap is brown.

DT: 'Cept for the green ones. And the occasional corny--

I: Shut up, Deku Stick! Whoo!

DT: Am I allowed to facepalm? Or is that your job?

I: You didn't just do something stupid.

DT: I--never mind.

"Yeah. I'm OK, thanks for the save." she said. Link smiled. "No problem. Call it even for saving our butts from that cage back in Faron Woods."

DT: If you were to ask me, you've /been/ even.

"It was the girl blessed with her mother's Soul Force."

DT: Whoa, whoa! So now Latisomething is her /mom?/

I: That's /way/ different than ancient ancestor. I've no clue how her genes got the way they are, but I'm gonna guess she's sterile.

DT: Oh. Says Latias "took on the form of a human."

I: That might almost work, except for the fact that--

DT: Shut up, you Deku Stick! Yess!

Eldin-Sama

DT: Oh, great. Zelly's getting all Japanese culture on us.

-they abscond-

Post Numba 30: Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy and Sucrose and Daxton

Dextrose: Our thirtieth post! Truly, a cause for celebration!
Izzy: Yes. Well, hold the party mix. It's best we visit fanfiction.net on empty stomachs.
Dextrose: Oh. 'Cause the first bucket's already empty.
Izzy: How do--
Dextrose: Anyways, as the title suggests, today's sporktastic adventures happen to have a couple special guest stars: My little bro, Sucrose, and his friend, Dax. Whose name is /not/ Dex.
Sucrose: It's Daxton.
Dextrose: Okay. Well, uh, since we're all about innovation here at The Legend of Dextrose, we've come up with this time-saving thingy-thing. Abbreviation!
Izzy: What?
Dextrose: The question you were /supposed/ to ask was "how does it work?"
Izzy: Fine.
D: Like this! Now we can--
I: Dex, Dax has the same first initial.
D: Hmm... last names? How many of us have those?
D: I know! Let's put Dex as DE and Dax as DA.
D: That's dumb. I say first and last initial. I am now DT and I don't think the rest of you /have/ last names.
D: -flips DT off-
I: Nope.
S: Hey, what about me?
DT: Oh, fine, you can be ST, then.
Izzy I: All right. This show needs to be getting on some roads.
DT: All right, men! And kittygirl. Team pose! Hwaa!
D: -flips off audience- By the way, this is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
DT: That ain't a pose, Dax.

Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy and Sucrose and Daxtonis sponsored by:
andrhats, author of Soul Mates.

DT: Soul Mates. The perfect generic title. 76 freakin' chapters of Zelda badness.
I: You can't know that yet.
DT: Yeah, guess not. Well, you may now consider this party started.
Chapter 1: Moonlit Night
DT: ...and a perfectly generic chapter title. Aren't they supposed to, like, give a brief description of the proceeding chapter?
D: -chews-
ST: Where'd you find that?
D: Lake Hylia. There are /lots/ of fish.
DT: ...Fish?
I: Hey, amateurs. We're supposed to be focusing on the story?
DT: And the accidental insinuendos.
I: -muttering- Quit being a bad influence.
ST: MEH!!!
DT: Anyways,
The moon rose over Lake Hylia, casting its pale light over the land.
DT: Dag. Usually there's something to make fun of in the first sentence.
the stage was set for the night's concert.
DT: First paragraph's close enough. Can anyone say, "Bad metaphor?"
I: I dunno. To some people, cricket chirps and wave splashes can sound musical.
DT: Yeah, well some people are utter loonies.
ST: Bad metaphor.
naked
DT: Whoo! Good job, Link! Second paragraph!
I: Dex, it was a metaphor about a tree.
D: Yeah, too bad. -winks at Izzy-
I: What's that supposed to mean?
perfection
I: And there we go again. "Perfect" should never describe a character's aspect.
DT: Especially the face, breasts, or butt.
ST: THIS ISN'T TWILIGHT!!!!!
He was wearing a dark blue exoskeleton
DT: Tee hee hee hee hee hee! Exoskeleton is just the funniest word!
ST: Wait. He's a bug?
Truth to be told,
I: Ha! The messing up of a common phrase!
stripping him of his ruined tunic
DT: Wait for it, wait for it! That's not even the good part!
and leggings.
D: First base!
DT: Dude, I think that's, like, fourth.
there was something about the golden-haired youth that was so alluring...
DT: Okay, time for a few things I don't get. Number one: Supposedly Sheik-Zelda is male. Number two: Supposedly he is gay.
I: Think about it. If you turned into a guy occasionally, you'd be gay too.
DT: No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have any turning into to do anyway.
D: Yeah, we're all guys here except for you.
Whimpering, the hero drank greedily of the bottle, wincing at the taste.
DT: Is it just me, or does that sentence not go together at all?
ST: /I/ agree.
DT: Also, is he still nakers?
D: No, he is wearing bandages.
DT: But what I'm saying is, did his tenders get hurt?
I: Aaaugh! Cleanse! Cleanse!
D: Teh heh heh.
He had seen the Hero once when they were both young boys.
DT: Hold on, what? Either I missed something when I played Ocarina of Time, or Andrew McHats thinks the sheik and Zelda are two different people.
I: Didn't you... not beat that one?
DT: Ssh!
The little, glowing, blue creature had been missing when the Hero had arrived.
DT: -eyes light up- Could it be...?
I: Is she...?
"Hero," the Sheikah said softly, "Where is your fairy?"
DT: The suspense is killing me...
teleport Sheik inside the Water Temple.
DT: Oh, good idea. Leave naked Link all alone.
ST: He'll be fine.
DT: But what if some hot chicks find him?
He huffed, annoyed that he had gotten wet.
I: Whadda you want? It /is/ the Water Temple.
The whole point of teleporting inside was to prevent himself getting wet.
DT: -snickers-
Her little body shone brightly even in death.
DT: What a relief! Now, whatever you do, don't play the Song of Healing!
Warning: This story will contain slash
I: But... but... Sheik is Zelda, isn't she... it? Something?
DT: /Now/ you tell me. Three words: What. The. Crap.
I: Um, so, brain bleach is getting expensive these days. Can we quit here, then?
The Hero's condition
I: WWHYYYYYYYYYY?
DT: We gotta give our fans some stuff to chew on.
I: I don't think they want to chew on it!
had not changed
I: Please! PLEEASE!
DT: Look, I'm not budging, so quit while you're ahead.
Surely the Hero did not like Sheik enough that it would cripple him if the Sheikah got hurt.
DT: -whimpering- Please no?
I: Hold on, I thought you liked making gay jokes.
DT: That's only when they're unintentionally /seeming/ gay.
"No...please don't...don't kill her...Navi..."
DT: Feh. I, for one, would consider that cause for celebration.
I: What? Dex, his--
DT: There was this one time when I thought I shot her with my slingshot, and then she reappeared.
I: Surely you didn't--
DT: I was kinda worried for a little while, thinking she might actually come in handy later, but I have an excuse. I had only just started playing.
I: Uh...
The exoskeleton had absorbed quite a bit of water
DT: Tee hee hee hee! That's /still/ the funniest word ever!
and had soaked Sheik to the bone.
I: Wait... exoskeletons are made of bone.
D: Maybe it was made of fake bone!
I: Even so, it wouldn't take much to soak to it.
He tried to remember how the song went... eleven notes.
DT: Really? -whistles and counts-
Everyone: ...
DT: Yeah, he's right. Dag.
Ingo... grinning evilly
DT: Aw, come on. He's not /that/ bad/.
ST: Yes he was. He wouldn't let me have the horse!
DT: Perhaps, but did you ever see an evil grin? It was more like a crazed stare.
ST: -grumbles-
Chapter 3: Poison and Fire
I: Finally, a real chapter title.
DT: Honestly...
I: Unfortunately, if you think about it for more than half a second, it gives the whole chapter away.
The Hero
The Hero
The Hero
DT: Geeze, you guys, it's Chapter 3 and they /still/ aren't calling him Link yet?
ST: Yeah, well people who write fanfic often fail at such things.
DT: Yup yuppers. Some time we're gonna have to find somebody who /really/ doesn't know how to write. Strangely enough, there don't seem to be any in the games fanfiction section. Could that possibly mean that--
I: Nah.
Evil King
Evil King
DT: Also, he's Ganondorf. I really hope you spell it incorrectly when you finally write it.
"There's a bottle he needs to drink and ointment that must be spread on his wounds," she said tersely.
I: The only way that could be more terse is if she explained quantum mechanics.
DT: Hold on. Dax, fetch the Big Book o' Definitions!
D: Who do you think I am? Your slave?
DT: As champion smitemaster, I outrank you, knave.
terse: sparing in the use of words; abrupt.
I: So what was that all about?
DT: Oh, I was hoping to catch you in a... word you don't actually know.
cuccoos that tried to peck his eyes out
DT: They run from you. They only attack when they are the cavalry that is called when you beat the crud out of one of 'em.
I: I'm just trying to figure out their swears. "Thank the goddesses" and "Oh gods."
"There were some bandages...down there..."
DT: Oh. So he /did/ bandage them up.
I: -shudders- Don't talk, Dex.
gently stroked his knuckles on the silky skin
DT: Eww! EWWWWWW!
I: Dex, you're the one always joking about these things.
DT: But this time it's /gay!/
L...the Hero
DT: Oh, I see. You're not allowed to speak of his name. That's not gonna help you avoid any lawsuits.
I: I notice the spelling is getting increasingly worse.
DT: Honestly, what with all the... unmentionable, I'm not surprised.
The Hero had adorned his green tunic and cap again
ST: You fail, Mr. Adrhats.
I: That, or Link really /is/ gay here.
DT: Yeah, mans equals /not/ fancy clothing.
I: And /again?/
DT: I mean, I don't even /wear/ clothing.
I: -squeals- Oh yeah, that's okay for your race.
DT: Yes it is. -buttdances atop royal Theguy throne-
it felt alien to sit in the saddle.
I: Except the time you rode a couple days ago.
Please leave a review if you like the story!
DT: But /only/ if you like it.
Fair enough, there were few things that could kill him on that ranch, but still...
I: Arrgh. I'm so sick of this messing up of common phrases in relatively good grammar's clothing.
DT: Wait... what?
leaving him in the blue exoskeleton
DT: Tee hee hee hee! Stop!
"...super-special milk..."
DT: More like super special /awesome/ milk!"
ST: I want some I want some!
"There isn't a moment to loose..."
I: You either mean there isn't a moment to lose, or there isn't a moment too loose.
DT: Heh. Let's go with the second one.
So. Skipping chapters... Chapter 19: Link's Problem.
I: Kill me now.
Link carefully rolled down Sheik's exoskeleton
DT: -wonders if he should giggle or be grossed out-
"I can sense that you won't wake up for a while. Why don't we...enjoy ourselves?"
DT:-eyes widen- RUN!
I: -absconds-

Back at the base...

DT: So... I noticed, as always, that I was the one doing the most commenting. That's gotta stop. The rest of you guys have jokes, too, right?
-looks around-
Guys?
...
Guys?
...And Izzy?
...
TO BE CONTINUED...