Izzy: Yes. Well, hold the party mix. It's best we visit fanfiction.net on empty stomachs.
Dextrose: Oh. 'Cause the first bucket's already empty.
Izzy: How do--
Dextrose: Anyways, as the title suggests, today's sporktastic adventures happen to have a couple special guest stars: My little bro, Sucrose, and his friend, Dax. Whose name is /not/ Dex.
Sucrose: It's Daxton.
Dextrose: Okay. Well, uh, since we're all about innovation here at The Legend of Dextrose, we've come up with this time-saving thingy-thing. Abbreviation!
Izzy: What?
Dextrose: The question you were /supposed/ to ask was "how does it work?"
Izzy: Fine.
D: Like this! Now we can--
I: Dex, Dax has the same first initial.
D: Hmm... last names? How many of us have those?
D: I know! Let's put Dex as DE and Dax as DA.
D: That's dumb. I say first and last initial. I am now DT and I don't think the rest of you /have/ last names.
D: -flips DT off-
I: Nope.
S: Hey, what about me?
DT: Oh, fine, you can be ST, then.
DT: All right, men! And kittygirl. Team pose! Hwaa!
D: -flips off audience- By the way, this is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
DT: That ain't a pose, Dax.
Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy and Sucrose and Daxtonis sponsored by:
andrhats, author of Soul Mates.
DT: Soul Mates. The perfect generic title. 76 freakin' chapters of Zelda badness.
I: You can't know that yet.
DT: Yeah, guess not. Well, you may now consider this party started.
Chapter 1: Moonlit Night
DT: ...and a perfectly generic chapter title. Aren't they supposed to, like, give a brief description of the proceeding chapter?
D: -chews-
ST: Where'd you find that?
D: Lake Hylia. There are /lots/ of fish.
DT: ...Fish?
I: Hey, amateurs. We're supposed to be focusing on the story?
DT: And the accidental insinuendos.
I: -muttering- Quit being a bad influence.
ST: MEH!!!
DT: Anyways,
The moon rose over Lake Hylia, casting its pale light over the land.
DT: Dag. Usually there's something to make fun of in the first sentence.
the stage was set for the night's concert.
DT: First paragraph's close enough. Can anyone say, "Bad metaphor?"
I: I dunno. To some people, cricket chirps and wave splashes can sound musical.
DT: Yeah, well some people are utter loonies.
ST: Bad metaphor.
naked
DT: Whoo! Good job, Link! Second paragraph!
I: Dex, it was a metaphor about a tree.
D: Yeah, too bad. -winks at Izzy-
I: What's that supposed to mean?
perfection
I: And there we go again. "Perfect" should never describe a character's aspect.
DT: Especially the face, breasts, or butt.
ST: THIS ISN'T TWILIGHT!!!!!
He was wearing a dark blue exoskeleton
DT: Tee hee hee hee hee hee! Exoskeleton is just the funniest word!
ST: Wait. He's a bug?
Truth to be told,
I: Ha! The messing up of a common phrase!
stripping him of his ruined tunic
DT: Wait for it, wait for it! That's not even the good part!
and leggings.
D: First base!
DT: Dude, I think that's, like, fourth.
there was something about the golden-haired youth that was so alluring...
DT: Okay, time for a few things I don't get. Number one: Supposedly Sheik-Zelda is male. Number two: Supposedly he is gay.
I: Think about it. If you turned into a guy occasionally, you'd be gay too.
DT: No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have any turning into to do anyway.
D: Yeah, we're all guys here except for you.
Whimpering, the hero drank greedily of the bottle, wincing at the taste.
DT: Is it just me, or does that sentence not go together at all?
ST: /I/ agree.
DT: Also, is he still nakers?
D: No, he is wearing bandages.
DT: But what I'm saying is, did his tenders get hurt?
I: Aaaugh! Cleanse! Cleanse!
D: Teh heh heh.
He had seen the Hero once when they were both young boys.
DT: Hold on, what? Either I missed something when I played Ocarina of Time, or Andrew McHats thinks the sheik and Zelda are two different people.
I: Didn't you... not beat that one?
DT: Ssh!
The little, glowing, blue creature had been missing when the Hero had arrived.
DT: -eyes light up- Could it be...?
I: Is she...?
"Hero," the Sheikah said softly, "Where is your fairy?"
DT: The suspense is killing me...
teleport Sheik inside the Water Temple.
DT: Oh, good idea. Leave naked Link all alone.
ST: He'll be fine.
DT: But what if some hot chicks find him?
He huffed, annoyed that he had gotten wet.
I: Whadda you want? It /is/ the Water Temple.
The whole point of teleporting inside was to prevent himself getting wet.
DT: -snickers-
Her little body shone brightly even in death.
DT: What a relief! Now, whatever you do, don't play the Song of Healing!
Warning: This story will contain slash
I: But... but... Sheik is Zelda, isn't she... it? Something?
DT: /Now/ you tell me. Three words: What. The. Crap.
I: Um, so, brain bleach is getting expensive these days. Can we quit here, then?
The Hero's condition
I: WWHYYYYYYYYYY?
DT: We gotta give our fans some stuff to chew on.
I: I don't think they want to chew on it!
had not changed
I: Please! PLEEASE!
DT: Look, I'm not budging, so quit while you're ahead.
Surely the Hero did not like Sheik enough that it would cripple him if the Sheikah got hurt.
DT: -whimpering- Please no?
I: Hold on, I thought you liked making gay jokes.
DT: That's only when they're unintentionally /seeming/ gay.
"No...please don't...don't kill her...Navi..."
DT: Feh. I, for one, would consider that cause for celebration.
I: What? Dex, his--
DT: There was this one time when I thought I shot her with my slingshot, and then she reappeared.
I: Surely you didn't--
DT: I was kinda worried for a little while, thinking she might actually come in handy later, but I have an excuse. I had only just started playing.
I: Uh...
The exoskeleton had absorbed quite a bit of water
DT: Tee hee hee hee! That's /still/ the funniest word ever!
and had soaked Sheik to the bone.
I: Wait... exoskeletons are made of bone.
D: Maybe it was made of fake bone!
I: Even so, it wouldn't take much to soak to it.
He tried to remember how the song went... eleven notes.
DT: Really? -whistles and counts-
Everyone: ...
DT: Yeah, he's right. Dag.
Ingo... grinning evilly
DT: Aw, come on. He's not /that/ bad/.
ST: Yes he was. He wouldn't let me have the horse!
DT: Perhaps, but did you ever see an evil grin? It was more like a crazed stare.
ST: -grumbles-
Chapter 3: Poison and Fire
I: Finally, a real chapter title.
DT: Honestly...
I: Unfortunately, if you think about it for more than half a second, it gives the whole chapter away.
The Hero
The Hero
The Hero
DT: Geeze, you guys, it's Chapter 3 and they /still/ aren't calling him Link yet?
ST: Yeah, well people who write fanfic often fail at such things.
DT: Yup yuppers. Some time we're gonna have to find somebody who /really/ doesn't know how to write. Strangely enough, there don't seem to be any in the games fanfiction section. Could that possibly mean that--
I: Nah.
Evil King
Evil King
DT: Also, he's Ganondorf. I really hope you spell it incorrectly when you finally write it.
"There's a bottle he needs to drink and ointment that must be spread on his wounds," she said tersely.
I: The only way that could be more terse is if she explained quantum mechanics.
DT: Hold on. Dax, fetch the Big Book o' Definitions!
D: Who do you think I am? Your slave?
DT: As champion smitemaster, I outrank you, knave.
terse: sparing in the use of words; abrupt.
I: So what was that all about?
DT: Oh, I was hoping to catch you in a... word you don't actually know.
cuccoos that tried to peck his eyes out
DT: They run from you. They only attack when they are the cavalry that is called when you beat the crud out of one of 'em.
I: I'm just trying to figure out their swears. "Thank the goddesses" and "Oh gods."
"There were some bandages...down there..."
DT: Oh. So he /did/ bandage them up.
I: -shudders- Don't talk, Dex.
gently stroked his knuckles on the silky skin
DT: Eww! EWWWWWW!
I: Dex, you're the one always joking about these things.
DT: But this time it's /gay!/
L...the Hero
DT: Oh, I see. You're not allowed to speak of his name. That's not gonna help you avoid any lawsuits.
I: I notice the spelling is getting increasingly worse.
DT: Honestly, what with all the... unmentionable, I'm not surprised.
The Hero had adorned his green tunic and cap again
ST: You fail, Mr. Adrhats.
I: That, or Link really /is/ gay here.
DT: Yeah, mans equals /not/ fancy clothing.
I: And /again?/
DT: I mean, I don't even /wear/ clothing.
I: -squeals- Oh yeah, that's okay for your race.
DT: Yes it is. -buttdances atop royal Theguy throne-
it felt alien to sit in the saddle.
I: Except the time you rode a couple days ago.
Please leave a review if you like the story!
DT: But /only/ if you like it.
Fair enough, there were few things that could kill him on that ranch, but still...
I: Arrgh. I'm so sick of this messing up of common phrases in relatively good grammar's clothing.
DT: Wait... what?
leaving him in the blue exoskeleton
DT: Tee hee hee hee! Stop!
"...super-special milk..."
DT: More like super special /awesome/ milk!"
ST: I want some I want some!
"There isn't a moment to loose..."
I: You either mean there isn't a moment to lose, or there isn't a moment too loose.
DT: Heh. Let's go with the second one.
So. Skipping chapters... Chapter 19: Link's Problem.
I: Kill me now.
Link carefully rolled down Sheik's exoskeleton
DT: -wonders if he should giggle or be grossed out-
"I can sense that you won't wake up for a while. Why don't we...enjoy ourselves?"
DT:-eyes widen- RUN!
I: -absconds-
Back at the base...
DT: So... I noticed, as always, that I was the one doing the most commenting. That's gotta stop. The rest of you guys have jokes, too, right?
-looks around-
Guys?
...
Guys?
...And Izzy?
...
TO BE CONTINUED...
No comments:
Post a Comment