'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through HQ,
Only Cassie was stirring
(And Kaylee was, too).
Kaylee: Really, Cassie. Go to sleep.
Cassie: Hold on. Lemme finish slaying this dude.
When up from the roof
There arose such a clatter
Cassie dropped her Wiimote
To see what was the matter.
Cassie: Yess! I knew it!
Kaylee: What?
Cassie had heard
Of the Santa of lore,
Having lived on Earth
For some time before.
But Kaylee, from somewhere
Beyond foreign Lanze,
Knew nothing of legend,
Or much about hands.
Cassie: Oh crap, do we have a chimbley? Chimney?
Kaylee: Wha--?
Cassie: How's he supposed to get in?
Kaylee: Wha--?
Then Cassie remembered
A tale she'd heard
That would fix the predicament.
She could take its word.
Cassie: Oh yeah. The Santa Clause.
At last, Kaylee freaked out,
Her patience run thin.
Not literally, of course,
She 'bout burst from her skin.
Kaylee: WHAT THE SCRAP ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
Cassie: Hmm?
Kaylee pleasantly asked her
With very kind words
And some threats to dismember
And feed several birds.
Cassie: Yeah, um, even if you did manage to get my throat out like that, where do you think you'll find gulls this time of year?
Kaylee: They're south somewhere. It won't be that tough.
"Oh, I totally forgot!"
Cassie said with a grin.
"It's traditional lore.
And it's totally win.
"See, there's this dude, Santa,
And he's the coolest guy.
He delivers these bribes
With these reindeer that fly--
"Oh, geez, where's a window?"
She opened it wide,
Before realizing
She wouldn't see him outside.
Kaylee: He's on the roof, remember?
"So how did you manage
To set up the tree
And all of this other stuff
Without telling me
What the crap it was for?"
Kaylee seemed quite confused.
"And I even helped you?"
She settled on bemused.
"I have no idea,"
Cassie finally said.
"Living in my office
Might mess with your head.
"But never mind that."
Cassie crouched down to hide.
"I'm gonna bet
He comes in from this side."
Finding nowhere to crouch,
Kaylee fell to her bed
And she pulled up the sheets
Over all but her head,
And, feigning sleep,
Or perhaps even death,
She stared, eyes half-closed,
As she holded her breath.
Izzy: Dex, that's not a word.
Dextrose: Shh.
The Santa Clause Principle
Proved to be true,
And a fireplace appeared
Without much ado.
With her eyes squinted,
It might have been skewed,
But Santa sure looked like
A familiar dude.
Cassie sprang to her feet.
"Oh my gosh! It is him!"
Then she saw something odd.
"Uh, you're awfully slim."
"Am I?" he chortled
In a voice they both knew
"I sure hope that's a compliment.
I kind of like you."
Santa: Because sassing Santa is a first-class one-way ticket to the Naughty list.
"Hold on." Cassie caught on,
Looked him from head to toe,
And, disbelieving,
said, "Doctor Guapo?"
Santa looked at his beard.
"I didn't think it looked fake.
Could not grow my own,
It'd take long months to make.
"But, yes, I suppose,
Underneath all this stuff,
I'm your favorite mad scientist."
He struck a pose. It looked tough.
"Doctor Guapo is Santa?"
Kaylee couldn't believe.
"He has other cool jobs
Hidden up in his sleeve?"
"I don't think he's Santa."
Cassie shook her blonde head.
"How would he have time
To make gold from lead?"
"No, I'm not Santa."
Guapo put down his sack.
"I'm filling in for the man.
And I've got quite a knack.
"But in any case, kids,
If you wanted to know,
Santa Claus is healing.
Got attacked by escrow."
Flashback: A critical hit! It's super effective!
Cassie: That doesn't even make sense.
"I must really be going."
Guapo took time to stop
And point with his finger
Toward the rooftop.
As he dumped out the contents
of his colossal sack,
Cassie had to ask,
"Doc?" as she watched him unpack.
"How'd you get so dang lucky
To land such a job?"
She was so jealous
She began to sob.
"Friends in high places."
That might have been a smile,
But under that moustache,
You'd be guessing a while.
"I'm always happy to help.
I sent my list in this year,
And one of my wishes
Was to bring Christmas cheer.
"Then, Santa, surviving
Random battles, if barely,
Gave me this job.
A job that comes rarely.
"You mustn't be envious,
I could see how you would,
But this isn't exactly a job
That is good.
"In the night, in the sky,
Even with my fur coat,
I am quite freezing up there.
It's no reason to gloat.
"Be happy you can
Sleep snug in your bed,
While I have to go up
And freeze off my head.
"You should think less
About your fancy presents
Instead, the providers,
Whose jobs are unpleasant.
"We make your gifts possible,
So I'd say we would love
To hear from you gratitude
Of one kind or anuv."
Dextrose: As in short for another.
Izzy: Are you going to go through the whole thing making up rhyming words?
Dextrose: Hey, I've only Dr. Seuss'd twice.
Cassie guessed he was right.
Kaylee had no such guess.
It was enough for the Doc, though.
He gave them their mess.
"All right, that should do it."
He tied up the strings,
Leaving behind him
All their wonderful things.
Video games for Cassie,
For Kaylee, mostly clothes.
Guapo, nodding farewell,
Put a finger by his nose.
Seeing them reach
For the bright wrapping paper,
He waved them away.
"You must wait for the caper."
"I can tell what's in there
Anyway, Doc.
Video games."
And she ended her talk.
"But you don't know which ones,"
The Doc said with a smile
That may or may not
Have been there all the while.
And then he was gone.
More clatters arose,
And Santa, presumably,
Took off like Dextrose.
On a sugar high after eating too much chocolate and having no random encounters to drain his sugar gauge on.
He yelled one thing more
'Fore he reached earshot's brink:
"Merry Christmas to all,
And something else, I think."
