The Thirteenth Sandwich: Unsliced

Patsy McCoopington
Disclaimer: Apparently, I gotta put these disclaimer guys here. In any case, I don't own Pokémon, Nintendo, Game Freak, or any of the dudes who created the universe that we happened to land in. While it did actually happen, this is a work of fiction. (It's complicated; can you not ask?) Any resemblance to actual human beings is awfully strange purely coincidental. Wow. That... that... I pity you. ANYWAYS.

Chapter One: In Which Stuff Starts Happening.

Another exhilarating trip with the Massive Reality Editor. You know the kind. Where you fly through blue space screaming until you pass out and wake up later, sore and wondering where you are. Leave it to Flux to build a cliché.

Flux was the first one awake. I started guessing something was amiss when she seemed angry about her invention working properly. I tried to pretend I was still unconscious, but she caught me giggling.

"You are a poor actor, McCoopington. I know that you're awake."

"Oh, fine." For no real reason, I kept my eyes closed as I pushed myself to my feet. Perhaps I thought it might serve the plot in some way. But I digress. Something... felt wrong. Opening my eyes, I saw the ground was awfully close, even while I was standing. And Flux... still seemed to be...

"You screwed something up. I'm still a Pokey... whatsit."

Seeing a Kirlia this angry was pretty funny. Forcing more giggles down, I replied, "Why are you so sure it's not your invention that's screwy?"

A Kirlia rolling her eyes was kind of funny, too. But I guess you had to be there. "I already ran a diagnostic. Everything is in order. The only thing that could possibly have gone wrong is you, McCoopington. This is your fault."

Perhaps an explanation is in order. See, my friend Danny and I were bored once. And so we did what any pair of bored guys would do. After playing Super Smash Brothers. Mess with Flux's stuff. Maybe next time, I won't grab the most important- and complicated-looking thing I can find. As Flux later explained, it was used to keep balance in the universes by keeping worlds in different dimensions separate. Or something like that. It's really boring, paying attention to Flux. Anyways, I managed to combine our world with whatever world Pokémon happens in. And then the Massive Reality Editor broke. Eventually, Danny, who had become a Bulbasaur, inadvertently led Flux to me and she fixed it. I don't know what happened, but it couldn't be my fault.

"And, look, you killed the human!" Flux was saying, even though right now he was technically a Bulbasaur. I would have argued this point had Danny not interrupted.

"Guys... I'm fine," he muttered, eyes still squeezed shut. By now, he'd gotten used to Flux referring to him as "the human." An explanation would be in order, but I'm tired of that crap by now.

I was a little relieved he was awake. Another debater on my side. "Danny, could you tell her she's an idiot?"

He looked at me, at Flux, then back at me. "Let me guess," he said, eyes narrowing, "You messed with the Massive Reality Editor."

Fine. He could take Flux's side if he wanted to. She continued to argue her points, and I took the opportunity to make scenery descriptions. We were on a beach. The crashing waves were a pretty good help drowning out Flux, thank goodness. Bubbles filled the air for some reason. Over to my left, I could see some kind of cave, and next to it, an unconscious Eevee. I thought about this development as I watched a Torchic stare at the sunset. Might as well check it out, huh?

Danny apparently had the same idea, as he was already there, a look of... some emotion on his face. I couldn't tell. He looked a little confused or curious or something. It didn't help that his face wasn't really human anymore. He hadn't woken the guy or anything; he was too busy staring. I gave Danny a look, and woke the Eevee myself. "Hey," I said, shaking him, "Are you all right?"

He groaned and dizzily staggered to his feet. Blinking slowly as he stared at me, he said, "But... you're a Pikachu."

"Am I?" I looked down at myself. It certainly looked like it from here. Strange I hadn't noticed yet. "That's weird."

The Eevee looked like he was trying to put together the pieces. "So... so... how are you talking to me? Shouldn't you be saying, like, 'Pikachu?'"

I shrugged. "'Pikachu,' if it makes you happy."

"Uh... so suddenly you're capable of human speech?"

"Why would I need to be? You're an Eevee."

This was getting increasingly common, being slow to notice transformations. "I... was a human," he said after getting a good look at himself.

"Yeah, that's kind of funny. Danny and I were--" I meant to indicate Danny, but he was gone. Replaced by Flux. She clapped a hand over my mouth, uttering, "Don't... tell him... anything."

"What's going on here?" the Eevee said slowly.

I pushed Flux's hand off. "I might ask the same question. Patsy," I said, extending my own hand. Or... paw.

"Kard," he said, shaking it. "So... what is..."

That's when Danny came rushing back, running awkwardly with his two new legs. "Guys,
Torchic needs our help," he said hurriedly.

"Whoa, slow down," I said. "I'm trying to process a little too much stuff here."

Torchic opened her mouth, but Danny talked first. "That can wait," he said. "Those dudes are getting away with Torchic's stuff!"

"What dudes?"

Danny, unused to four legs, slapped his forehead and fell on his face. "You didn't just see the Koffing and Zubat go past?"

"...No?"

Infuriated by my cluelessness and probably his lack of balance, he started yelling. "This is urgent, okay? Let's move it!"

"Introductions all around?"

Danny let out an exasperated sigh. "Danny."

"Flux."

"Patsy."

"Torchic."

"Kard."

Torchic spoke for the first time. Well, besides the introduction. "Okay, let's go!"

"Let's do this!" I said, striking a pose. The rest of them stared. Weirdos.

Danny shook his head. He gave up and ran towards the cave, Torchic following close behind.
I looked at Kard, and we ran after them. Not about to be left alone, Flux sighed, unfolded her arms, and ran after us.

Something happened that can only be described as KA-PWING!

We all fell in a pile, bouncing off some invisible wall in front of the cave entrance. After we all climbed off of him, Danny looked thoughtful. Probably. "That's right," he coughed. "We can't have more than four in a team."

It was Danny's turn to have everyone stare at him. Except Torchic, for some reason. "What the crap are you talking about?" I asked.

He opened his mouth to explain, and thought better of it. "I'll tell you later. Right now, we have to decide who's staying behind."

There was silence for a few moments. "I'll stay," Torchic muttered, looking down at the ground.

Danny panicked. "No way. I will if it--"

Flux shrugged. "I'll stay. It isn't as if I--"

"But your psychic moves will come in handy," I argued. "We are fighting a couple of Poison-types."

"What are you talking about?" This was a common question today.

"Don't think she knows much about Pokémon, Patsy," Danny said.

I thought about it. "Probably wouldn't fight anyway. Okay, Flux, have fun waiting."

Folding her arms again, she leaned against the side of the cave entrance. "I expect a full--"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I said. "Now let's do this!" I struck my pose again, and dashed into the cave. The rest followed behind.

* * *

The trip was pretty uneventful. While Danny and the others tried to figure out how to get the vines out of his bulb thingy, I went ahead and knocked out any other Pokémon I found. It was kind of fun. You know, doing it firsthand and everything. Yeah. Um. So we moved on for a while, going deeper and deeper into the cave. And, um, I guess my travel scenes always seem that awkward.

Danny got a little mad at me for "taking all the kills," as we say, once he figured out his vine predicament. "If I beat you to 'em," I argued, "It's fair."

He said nothing. I bet he was vowing silently to beat me to some.

That, or he saw the boss before I did.

Bosses.

Koffing turned around. "Well, if it isn't the little chicken."

Tears sprang to Torchic's eyes, and she took a step back. I guess I'm a little insensitive. I started chuckling. "That's a funny way of putting it," I said. "Torchic a chicken. You know?"

Slaps came from all directions. "This is why you've never been on a date," Danny muttered in my ear.

I probably didn't have a right to, but I glared at them.

Torchic gathered up her courage. "G-give... give back what you stole from me! The Relic Fragment means everything to me!"

Koffing turned to Zubat. "So this thing really is worth something."

"Heh-heh. Maybe we can make some good money off of it."

Koffing turned back to us, a smirk on his face. "If you really want it," he said, "come and get it!"

I instinctively struck a pose again, screaming "BOSS FIIIIGHT!!"

Danny gave me some sage advice. "Shut up."

We sprung into action. Danny did a pretty lame Vine Whip on Koffing, knocking him in my direction. I jumped up, pumped some electricity through my body, and smashed him into the ground with my tail. Zubat was being a little difficult, staying just out of Kard's reach and using Leech Life or something on him. I sent a Shock Wave in his direction, and Kard finally managed to tackle him. Before I could be the awesome action hero anymore, though, he and Torchic beat the remaining snot out of him.

"That should do it," I said, dusting off my paws.

Danny was pretty mad at me again. "So it takes me, like, twenty minutes just to find my vine, and you do whatever you want without trying? And I'm the Pokémon expert and everything!"

I chuckled. "Well, we all knew I'm infinitely more awesome than you."

"Hmph," he said, and didn't say anything else.

"Got it," Torchic said, picking up a stone with one foot. "Boy, am I relieved." She stored it somewhere on her person somehow.

"Shall we go, then?" I said. "Explain stories?"

"Right, let's go," Torchic said.

To avoid another travel scene, we arrived at the beach. Before Flux said anything, Torchic did. "Thanks so much, you guys. I don't know what I'd do without you. Oh, and Patsy," she added, turning to me, "you're a jerk."

"What?"

"So..." Torchic looked all around, shifting her weight from foot to foot. "I was wondering, I--it's always been my dream to... to.... That was exciting, wasn't it?"

Kard took charge. "Yeah...? What are you getting at?"

"I... I... look, I..."

"You want to form an exploration team?" Danny said suddenly.

"Yes," Torchic said timidly.

"I... well... I guess I have nowhere to go..." Kard said.

I was ready to listen in some more, but Flux pulled me and Danny aside. "You are not going to get mixed up in this," she said.

"What else can we do?" Danny said. "I mean, she can offer a place to sleep and everything. It's a start."

"We're talking about a long-term commitment here. We do not have time. We need to--"

"Honestly," I interrupted, "If it's so urgent we get back, why don't you Massive Reality Edit us there?"

"Did I not explain, Patsy?" Flux said. "That would mean combining this world with our own again. It's already doubtless unstable from the last time; if we try it again, it could destroy the entire universe."

"Well, it's that or Palkia," Danny said.

"Or what?"

"Palkia. The master of space. If anyone can get us back, he can."

Flux gave up. "All right, fine. How do we find this Palkia?"

Danny thought for a moment. "I think he kidnaps us in several months."

I felt something nudging me. It turned out to be Torchic. "So, um, guys?" she said. "A-are you interested?"

"Say yes. This is gonna be awesome," Danny whispered.

"Let's do this," I said. Danny saluted.

Flux threw her hands in the air. "Fine! Whatever you want." I almost felt a little remorse when I saw she was holding back tears. But, you know, she was learning a good lesson. I guess.

Torchic grinned. "All right, let's get started! To Wigglytuff's Guild!" She started leading the way.

"So," I said under my breath, sneaking over to Danny, "Did you hear what they were saying over there?"

"No, but Kard was probably saying how he used to be a human and lost his memory for some reason, and Torchic was getting all dreamy about exploring, and explaining about her Relic Fragment, the rock with the weird design. She doesn't know what it does, but it--"

"Wait, you didn't hear, and yet you know all that? What--?" I asked, but events kept me from getting an answer. We arrived in front of a strangely Wigglytuff-shaped building with some kind of grate in front.

"Here we are," Torchic said. She had a look on her face, a look that said if she had a lip, she would be biting it. "Okay, I've got to be brave," she said. "I've got all my friends with me this time." She stepped hesitantly onto the grate.

"Pokémon detected!" shouted a high-pitched voice.

"Whose footprint?" said a much louder one.

"Er... Torchic's! The footprint is Torchic's!"

Over the noise, I could hear Torchic whimpering. It was kind of odd. I mean, it didn't seem scary or anything... not to me...

"I can tell there's more of you," the louder voice yelled, "So stand on the GRATE!"

One by one, we each went through the process. It took far too long. When Flux was finished, we were finally allowed in. "That was dumb," Patsy muttered.

"Hush. It might be important later on. I forget," Danny said.

"Which reminds me. How do--"

We had climbed down a ladder to the first underground floor, where a bird with a music-note-shaped head was hopping up to us. Noting my confusion, Danny informed me, "Chatot."

"Go away," he was saying in a tired tone, "We don't have any time for salespeople or silly surveys."

The previous grate incident must have had her adrenaline going, because Torchic was really talkative. "No! That's not why we're here! We want to become an exploration team!"

Chatot squawked in surprise. He turned around to talk to himself. "Now tell me?" I started to say, but to no avail. Before Danny could answer, we were rushed down another floor.

Danny was finally ready to explain. "Flux, I guess I oughta tell you too. Watch this. Torchic's gonna say something about how we just went underground and we can see out the window."

"We can?" I said, looking at the window I suddenly found. "That's weird."

"Whoa!" said Torchic, dashing up to the window. "We're underground, but you can still see outside!"

"And now Chatot says, 'Oh, hush now! The guild is built into the side of a cliff! It's only natural you'd be able to see outside!'"

He did.

Flux stared in wonderment. "Are you... perhaps... not human, then?"

"Well, not anymore," Danny laughed. "I don't have super powers, if that's what you mean. I've just... I guess we've fallen into a game that I've played two or three times."

Flux drew in a breath. It looked like she was trying to sort things out so she could explain something, but once again we were interrupted. We were pushed into the Guildmaster's room.

"Guildmaster! Guildmaster?" Chatot said to a Wigglytuff facing away from us. Wigglytuff didn't respond, until suddenly, without warning, he whirled around. "Hiya!"

Kard jumped.

"You want to form an exploration team? Well, good for you! Let's get you signed up! What's your--"

"If I may interrupt," Chatot said. "Guildmaster, a team of more than four cannot enter a Mystery Dungeon. This team is too large."

Wigglytuff's parade was severely rained upon. In fact, it looked like a hurricane hit.

"I've got a solution," Danny volunteered. "We make two divisions. We can't all five go in at once, but I bet if we split into smaller groups before entering, we could meet up inside or--no, wait, that wouldn't work. But we can form two divisions."

Chatot opened his beak to argue, but my suggestion was entirely logical. He shut it.

Everyone in the parade had an umbrella. "Let's get you signed up! What's your team name?"

"A name?" Torchic said. "Er, we don't really--give us a second." She turned to face the rest of us. "Any ideas?"

Danny's vine, which he seemed to be using as a hand for these things, shot up. "I vote SmiteSquad."

I laughed. "Just like you."

Torchic and Kard laughed too. "Let's do it," Torchic said. "Team Smitesquad," Torchic told Wigglytuff.

"Okay!" he shouted, and turned around, picking up a piece of paper. "Registering! Registering! All registered!" he sang.

Flux looked seriously disturbed.

"Now, we don't have one in your size, so here's a couple of medium-sized exploration kits!" He handed us two yellow boxes. Danny popped one open and emptied it. "Exploration team badges... Wonder Map... Treasure Bag." Each of us picked up a badge as Danny emptied the Treasure Bag. "And equipment for all of us," he said as various scarves and bows spilled out. Ribbon-type bows, not arrow bows.

Flux pulled us aside again as Wigglytuff explained all of our new stuff. "Danny. You mustn't tell anyone what's going to happen later on."

"Why? Is this one of those--"

"If you reveal the future to these people, you may end up changing the plot, ultimately causing the world's utter imbalance, or possibly destroy the time-space continuum."

"Ooh," was all he had to say. He picked up a bow and tied it ninja-headband-thingy-style around his head.

Dinner that night was some assortment of berries and other fruit. I couldn't believe how hungry I was, and shoved it into my face, scarcely bothering to chew. Eating was never so tiring, and I would drop straight to sleep that night. Senior apprentices pushed some piles of straw into the crew rooms to serve as our beds, and we dropped right off. I was unlucky enough to get a room with Flux, but I managed to get to sleep before she started talking about quantum... whatever. I hoped the other apprentices were so lucky.

So what the heck /is/ a sandwich?

You mean, not the bread-and-lunch-meat-and-mayo-and-maybe-sometimes-lettuce-and-potates kind of sandwich? Like the kind mentioned in the title of The Thirteenth Sandwich? I, Dextrose, shall leave it to the other -ahem- staff members to explain 'cause I don't got a clue.

Danny:

Uh, I'll leave it to Patsy. He's the writer.

Patsy:

I write about stuff I know about. Here, why don't I give it to Flux, the one who knows things about science? Or maybe team up with her so it's at least somewhat readable.

Flux and Patsy:

You may have seen them before. But, as more than 99% of the Earth's population is non-magical, I would suppose not. A rip in the sky. These are created when boundaries between a world and an equivalent in the different dimension become frayed. Eventually, if it isn't stopped, the two worlds will combine, creating utter chaos. Under normal circumstances, we would employ a technique affectionately known as DEUS EX SEWING MACHINA to repair the damage. It works. But, once... somehow, no one noticed. Two worlds combined and no one knew until long after it was done, creating a single, somewhat unstable world.

A sandwich is what happens when more than two worlds are combined. It was the first word we thought of and we stuck to it. These are even more unstable, and can completely destroy all three if nothing is done, and fast. So Flux created the Massive Reality Editor for just such an occasion. The first dozen times, when sandwiches were created by natural causes, the Editor was employed, and the problem was solved. But

Patsy without Flux:

you know, Danny and I get bored sometimes. Sometimes AQWorlds just isn't enough. That's when you go to Brawl. And then that gets old after a while, and that's when I get the great idea to mess with Flux's stuff. I called it a "crossover." Apparently, only I have a human equivalent in the Pokémon world. So that's how Danny ended up a Bulbasaur, and how I broke the Massive Reality Editor. And how I created the Thirteenth Sandwich.

Flux without Patsy:

And I a Kirlia, of all things. I managed to find Patsy after Danny asked me on a date, a subject that he still finds somewhat embarrassing. (Patsy: Well, if he was ever gonna ask somebody out, I guess a Pokémon would be the most likely thing.) I fixed the Editor, but Patsy insisted upon fixing the problem himself. Your thingy's pretty straightforward, he said; I can figure it out. I at last gave in. The last mistake I will ever make.

Patsy:

Not that she's dead or anything, but she's not trusting me with her stuff anymore. Heh. Umm, I separated the worlds okay, but we ended up in the wrong one. Um, apparently, my Pokémon equivalent is a Pikachu.

Danny: -back from lunch-

Oh yeah. I guess we ended up in a reenactment of Pokémon Mystery Dungeon II. Or perhaps the real thing. I'm the only one who knows what's going on. Ha ha ha. I'm just gonna guess that it'll tear the universe apart and such if I reveal any of the plot, so I'm gonna keep it to myself. Plus, it feels really good, knowing what the crap is going on while my friends are in the dark.

Patsy: Jerk. But at least I got a good title for the history book: The Thirteenth Sandwich: Unsliced.

Danny: Unsliced? That's not a word, is it?

Patsy: Ssh.

Flux: Hold it right there, Patsy. You're planning to record this?

Patsy: Yup.

Flux: You do realize that that places it in the forbidden area of fan fiction?

Patsy: Yup.

Flux: When we get back to HQ, you are so fired.

Patsy: Ha ha. Good luck with that. Who could possibly take my place?

Flux: Ohh, if I could use the Massive Reality Editor right now...

Patsy: What's wrong with it?

Flux: I can't take the chance and make the Thirteenth Sandwich again. It could destroy us and possibly even three universes.

Patsy: So how do you plan on getting to HQ, hmm?

Flux:... I'll think of something. Just you wait, McCoopington.

Patsy: So, I guess I'll put that up there. The Thirteenth Sandwich: Unsliced. Open to sporks the world over. As long as none of us start developing super ultra powers, I think we're free of Mary Sues. And the male equivalent.

Danny: I'm omniscient. Does that count?

Patsy: Um... you're fired.

Seiken Densetsu 3

Seiken Densetsu 3 is a really obscure game. Probably because it wasn't actually released in America, or, indeed, anywhere outside Japan. If you want to get your hands on it, you're going to have to be some kind of eBay master. Or maybe if you have a Wii and convince Square to let Nintendo put it on Virtual Console. That'd be cool.

Anyways, it's about a bunch of teenage dudes. And chicks, too, I guess. Teenage in, you know, general years (if that even makes sense), because there's this one half-elf who looks like she's five. Apparently, I've never played Final Fantasy and don't know the potential of a video game plot, but I, personally, really liked it. Plus, depending on the characters you choose for your group, it can have six different beginnings and three different endings. It's CRAZY.

I guess I can give you a summary. SPOILER ALERT BUT NOT REALLY MUCH SPOILED IN ANY CASE. I played a game with Kevin as the main character. Kevin's a beastman; by this game's definition, some kinda fusion of wolf and human. One day, as he's out in the forest, his pet wolf Karl suddenly turns on him and beats the crud out of him. As Kevin staggers back to his feet, he transforms into a werewolf (a /different/ fusion of wolf and human. Go figure.) and, before he realizes what he's doing, beats the crud out of Karl in return.

After a funeral which only he attends, he mopes back to the Beast Kingdom. As he wanders around, he overhears some plans to invade nearby human civilizations. Pacifist that he is, he looks for the Beast King, his father, to try and persuade him otherwise. But he's not in the throne room. As Kevin looks elsewhere, he overhears more stuff. It's the Beast King and his new right-hand man, the Deathjester. Apparently, the king had ordered the Deathjester to use dark magic to make Karl attack him. Consumed by rage, Kevin busts through a wall and attacks the king, who counters his blow and flings him back to the forest. Right next to Karl's grave.

Kevin finds the Deathjester in the forest, who runs in fear. In return for not killing him, the Deathjester tells him about the Sword of Mana, the blade that basically controlled the universe. It could surely bring back Karl.

Fairly soon, epic music starts playing and Kevin sets off on his quest.

END SPOILER ALERT

Okay, that's just a summary of one beginning, but still. It sounds good from there, right? And it only gets better.

The combat style is kind of action-style RPG. Almost Legend of Zelda. It's flippin' sweet. Uhh... I don't have experience with describing these things.

Then there's class changing. It's kind of like evolving in Pokémon. At level 18, if you find a Mana Stone, you can use it to change your character's color scheme! Of course, they also get way more powerful and everything. But the color scheme change is probably the most exciting part. When you're me. And then a second class change happens at level 38 or higher, but you have to have a certain item.

It goes something like this: What? Duran is evolving! Congratulations! Your fighter evolved into a knight!

Not really but still.

So. Exciting game. I vowed never to give something 5 out of 5 urns (it is out of 5, right?), so it's gonna have to settle for 4.999. REALLY. AWESOME. GAME. A reason to find an SNES on eBay. I don't even think I mentioned you can have up to two friends playing with you. AWESOME.

So. 4.999 urns out of 5. As close as you get to perfection. (At least, I hope, because if I find anything better than this, I don't know what I'll do. -trademark sheepish grin-) So, I'm gonna go play through another ending now.

Looking back

Okay, I've made a decision. From now on, I spork while I'm actually awake. -trademark sheepish grin-

But, um, I admit it. That story yesterday... I was actually somewhat interested in the plot. If it hadn't been drowning in purple prose, I would have become a fan... of sorts. I hope it's not just something in my psychology that sympathizes with all things Pokémon. -shrugs-

In any case, the D'rose signing out. -manly pose-

Hmm, I just realized I ended all my paragraphs with an action. -thinks about the implications-

Edit: I just realized, two or three days after posting, what I was trying to say. IF IT'S NOT DROWNING IN PURPLE PROSE IT MIGHT MAKE A GOOD STORY, KAY? TAKE THESE, MY WORDS, TO THINE HEART AND THINK ON THEM ALWAYS. KAY? THANKS. THIS APPLIES TO ALL Y'ALL WRITERS OUT THERE. NO, I DON'T ACTUALLY SAY "ALL Y'ALL."

Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy

Credits: Everything was my idea. And Izzy's, but she doesn't actually exist.

No, no. Story credits: Oh yeah. This week's episode was brought to you by:

Glacial Eidolon, famed (or not) writer of Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: The Black Fear.

Dextrose: Hey everybody, and welcome to the first episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy!

Izzy: Since nobody actually sent us something to spork (not like we can expect them to), we're gonna have to go to Fanfiction.net... on our own.

Dextrose: -shudders. but in a manly way.-

Izzy: Ready to go?

Dextrose: Erm, let me gather up some lances first...

-several minutes later-

Izzy: Here it is. The fabled Fanfiction.net. A land of--

Dextrose: Yeah, I know. Let's just get it over with.

-they enter-

Dextrose: So, uh, let's stick to a genre I know. Games fan fiction. -examines categories- Wow. I didn't know people made fan fiction about this stuff. Army Men? Bubble Bobble?

Izzy: I saw a Bill Nye the Science Guy one once.

Dextrose: You're kidding.

Izzy: I wish.

Dextrose: -more manly shuddering- Oh my freaking Brian. Tetris.

Izzy: Zoombinis?

Dextrose: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! Pick one and go!

Izzy: Pokémon! That looks relatively safe.

Dextrose: Oh my. How about not? Let's do a Pong one...

Izzy: You know what? Too freaking late. Got your Sporktastic Lance ready?

Dextrose: Yeah, okay. Got the brain bleach and Cure Disease +3 ready?

Izzy: Check and check. Here we go.

Dextrose: -holds breath-

Izzy: Random story... Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: The Black Fear.

Dextrose: Probably not a misnomer.

Izzy: Calm down, Dex. Maybe you should start being as manly as you always claim.

Dextrose: Or... lizard-manly.

Izzy: Whatever. "'Watch it, scum!' A tiny purple rat with--"

Dextrose: Ratatta?

Izzy: Yeah, I guess... "blah blah larger gray bipedal weasel--"

Dextrose: Furret!

Izzy: Linoone?

blah blah key distinguishing features: one of her ears was red and and slightly larger than the other...

Dextrose: Oh, it's that one thing. What's it called?

Izzy: Sneasel?

Dextrose: Yeah. No. Not was I was thinking of. It was... you know, um... Zangoose.

blah blah Sneasel...

Izzy: Aww yeah! Score one for the Izz.

malicious thoughts... unrestrained rage... mind blinded in rage...

Dextrose: Ooh. The Sneasel is an angstmaster.

Izzy: Angstmaster?

Dextrose: You can leave the mastery comments to me, thanks.

[PURPLE PROSE]

Dextrose: -drowns-

Her destination? She did not know. She was a Decivilizer: a term associated with outcast criminals

Dextrose: Really? Outcast criminals? I let /my/ criminals run around free.

serving time of banishment from villages.... Decivilizers were often nefarious pickpockets and murderers who bore ill will towards society

Izzy: Oh, good. And I suspect I'm supposed to sympathize with her?

Dextrose: Whoa, whoa. Murderers?

Izzy: It's certainly a dark world of Pokémon you've created.

Dextrose: Don't they just, like, poof back to town if they die?

Izzy: Be quiet; we might miss something good to spork.

She may have been a criminal, but she still had morals.

Dextrose and Izzy: Riiiiight.

"Let we of the Heart of Arceus pray to our god for the wellbeing of ourselves and our children... let we of the Heart pray to Arceus to stop this era and restore prosperity...

Izzy: And now, Pokémon religion.

Dextrose: -manly giggles-

A young Mareep,

Dextrose: Yaaay!

...couldn't comprehend why, of all things, Arceus had ignored her prayer and everyone else's.

Dextrose: Try praying to me -poses-

Izzy: Blasphemy, Dex. Sit down.

"Get over here, we've got some [Briandarned] Aggron on our [bottomuses]!"

Izzy: And now, Pokémon swearing.

Dextrose: I love how the author goes into such detail over... Pokémon... details. Okay actually I don't, but you know what I mean.

a huge red exoskeleton

Dextrose: He he he... that phrase just cracks me up for some reason.

Izzy: If you were to ask me, there's no time for purple prose in a fight scene.

yelling colorful swears as he did so.

Dextrose: Oh, goldenrod!

thick armored skull was pounded into a pulp

Izzy: Pokékilling... just seems wrong.

Dextrose: Poképrophecies aren't exactly wrong, but... dang it, stupid copy-paste! -mutters-

her eyes were among the best she'd seen

Dextrose: She looks at her eyes?

copper-colored orbs

Dextrose: Oh my freaking Brian. They're /eyes,/ okay?

incredulous nature of the situation soak into her cranium.

Dextrose: Drip... drip... drip...

pale red fur... bright red fur...

Izzy: Geez, make up your mind!

"My... my... my... my... my... my... my... my... my..."

Izzy: Looks like somebody's keeping up with a word count.

skewering the small rodent's body in one fell swoop.

Dextrose: -cries- More Pokékilling! Waah!

Authors Note: Nothing much happened... besides fluff

Dextrose: Well, now the truth comes out, doesn't it?

Izzy: Here comes another Pokémon! Let's try to figure it out.

five-foot tall purple Promethean hulk of pure muscle, his very body embodying the essence of fitness

Dextrose: I vote Machoke.

Izzy: Probably...

rabbit-like, impressively sized ears

Dextrose: Huh? Rabbit of muscle?

Izzy: I don't got a clue.

Dextrose: Horn... spikes... pearl-white chest... Giant muscular Ratatta? With, uh... spikes?

Izzy: Or maybe...

Nidoking

Izzy: Awright! Two points!

Dextrose: No way. You didn't say before.

Izzy: Hey, I think it has a Scottish accent.

Dextrose: Heh.

"Verawen."

Dextrose: A-ha! So they /do/ have names!

Izzy: vu-RAY-win? ve-ruh-win?

Dextrose: Let it go, Izz.

"Name's Fjalburin."

Izzy: I'm not even gonna /try/ that one.

Dextrose: Okay, making up for the lack of copy-paste. Verawen's the Sneasel. She's teaming up with a dude named Epsilor.

Izzy: I was all intrigued.

Dextrose: And it's a freaking Bronzor.

Izzy: Hey, another character.

yellow-and-cream colored bipedal shrew

Dextrose and Izzy: Sandshrew.

Sandshrew

Dextrose: So, what do you think? Do we each get a point or neither of us?

Izzy: Whatever.

Dextrose: And it's named Griva.

Izzy: GREE-vuh? Gree-vaaaaaaaaaaa!

Dextrose: ...

he was winking at herself

Dextrose: Um... Izzy, fetch the Big Book o' Grammar.

Izzy: How about I get you an underling to do your dirty work?

Dextrose: No, no, my dirty work is washing dishes.

the Sneasel's heads

Izzy: And now, Pokémutants.

Dextrose: So they're called Team Nemesis? Who let them have that name?

Izzy: Would it be the Nidoking with the unpronounceable name?

Dextrose: I guess... but that's not the point. I'm making fun, Izzy. Not logic crap.

Izzy: Fine, fine.

Dextrose: So should I worry about the "not using the story or characters without permission"?

Izzy: Uhh...

Dextrose: Oh, wait. We're obscure enough to get away with sporking.

Izzy: We can hope.

Dextrose: Okay, next chapter. Braindead Vulpix's point of view, apparently.

Izzy: Can we find a more blatantly bad fanfiction next time?

Dextrose: Quiet, I'll miss something.

Izzy: Just the purple-prosation of the same room for a second time.

Dextrose: SSH!

ovoid

Dextrose: No comment.

"Xochicalco," I half-lied.

Izzy: I'm not even gonna touch that one.

Dextrose: What the helm. Witty comment about how that name /better/ be a lie.

furor

Dextrose: No comment.

"Yer mouth spews [poop] as well as your [bottomus]!"

Izzy: You barfed up your butt?

"woot ya did was completely unacceptable."

Dextrose: I thought he was speaking in chatspeak for a second there.

blah blah blah end of chapter 4.

Dextrose: That's all, is it?

Izzy: Apparently so.

Dextrose: Good. -shudders-

Izzy: Shall we abscond, then?

Dextrose: -checks wrist sundial- Either it's bedtime or I'm at the wrong angle again.

Izzy: So I noticed that last shudder wasn't "manly."

Dextrose: What?

Problem Sleuth

Guess what happened today. Or maybe yesterday but I wasn't there. PROBLEM SLEUTH ENDED. Don't tell me you've never heard of it. Just CLICK THE LINK.

This was the single craziest, most awesome... -ahem- game I've ever played. It was almost one of those where I cried at the end. I'm certainly going to miss Problem Sleuth, Pickle Inspector, and probably Nervous Broad and her corset.... Erm, it's a long story. You're gonna have to CLICK THAT LINK. But it wasn't touching enough. Not at all.

So, in short, if you haven't read it, get to it. Ignore the occasional swear word and stuff, and it'll be... something. I kinda lost my train of thought there...

DEXTROSE: COMBAT OPERANDI: DEXTROSE EX MACHINA!!