DEXTROSE v. PIXELART

...And this is what happened. Sever your leg, please.

VICTOLY!!

We are the champions, my friends! Dextrose Theguy has successfully typed 50,000 words of The Cracked Emerald! The journey was tough, filled with pitfalls, pitrises, pit traps, spike pit traps, pit stops, but, strangely enough, not elves. That's right, not a single elf appeared. Or dwarf. I only use cool races: Aqui, Aerians, humans, and, no matter how hard you try, you can never dispense with dragons. I took a vow never to have dwarves, elves, or orcs appear. I hate them so.

See, here's the deal: Orcs are there for the heroes to kill without any kind of moral issues, because orcs are Always Evil. Elves are there for appearing incredible, but, in retrospect, turning out to just be incredibly racist. Dwarves? I have no clue. Making weapons or something, I guess. In any case, they're all lame, and humans are way underrated.

Anyways, back to the celebration party. Guhh... I'd like to thank all the little people who didn't care when I left them out of my life to go work on my novel. Without you, I... actually wouldn't have moral problems about it, because there would be no one to ignore. Huh. Well, thanks for existing anyway. I'd like to thank Cassie, Patsy, Mort, Connor, Ivory, Byss, and the Queen of Reptiles for existing, too. Queen, I mourn your loss. Really. After you died, there was no driving force behind the novel. Mort, sorry for all the crap you have to go through all the time. I'm sure the Thirteenth Sandwich Christmas Special (not A Thirteenth Sandwich Christmas) will make it up. More crap, but you must be high on the Nice List. Patsy, you weren't as exciting a character as you usually are. I don't know what's going on there. Cassie! Thanks for providing your sarcasm when I really needed it. Connor. You turned out to be great for comic relief, but then you seemed to disappear. We'll have to work on that. Byss, sorry about killing off your mom. And sorry canon changed again and it's not the way making you and Connor more interesting characters. Stu, you weren't on the list, but you really helped my word count at the end. You gave me hope, and interest, and you can laugh for a really long time. Thanks so much.

Death count: one Queen of Reptiles, hundreds of innocent townspeople (noice job, Queen), one cockatrice.

Artifacts: The Stuhammer, the Emerald, the Sapphire, the Diamond, the Ruby.

Polymorphs: Ivory (lycanthropy: werejackal?) Mort (Morgan, Aqui, jabberwock, dragon) Cassie (weremermaid - seriously?)

Special thanks to NetHack, which provided inspiration for Ivory, Stu, and pretty much all the dungeon exploration. Also, special thanks to the jabberwock. Apparently, jabberwock is a species and there's more than one. At least, now it is. I hope that's not infringing any copyrights there.

Another final thanks to the Queen of Reptiles. May you rest in peace. Unfortunately, the law dictates that you go to hell. Fortunately, fire ain't gonna do much to a dragon. Also fortunately, a certain gatekeeper will set free anyone more badbutt than he is. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. You didn't hear it from me.

-sneaks away-

A Thirteenth Sandwich Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through HQ,
Only Cassie was stirring
(And Kaylee was, too).

Kaylee: Really, Cassie. Go to sleep.
Cassie: Hold on. Lemme finish slaying this dude.

When up from the roof
There arose such a clatter
Cassie dropped her Wiimote
To see what was the matter.

Cassie: Yess! I knew it!
Kaylee: What?

Cassie had heard
Of the Santa of lore,
Having lived on Earth
For some time before.

But Kaylee, from somewhere
Beyond foreign Lanze,
Knew nothing of legend,
Or much about hands.

Cassie: Oh crap, do we have a chimbley? Chimney?
Kaylee: Wha--?
Cassie: How's he supposed to get in?
Kaylee: Wha--?

Then Cassie remembered
A tale she'd heard
That would fix the predicament.
She could take its word.

Cassie: Oh yeah. The Santa Clause.

At last, Kaylee freaked out,
Her patience run thin.
Not literally, of course,
She 'bout burst from her skin.

Kaylee: WHAT THE SCRAP ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
Cassie: Hmm?

Kaylee pleasantly asked her
With very kind words
And some threats to dismember
And feed several birds.

Cassie: Yeah, um, even if you did manage to get my throat out like that, where do you think you'll find gulls this time of year?
Kaylee: They're south somewhere. It won't be that tough.

"Oh, I totally forgot!"

Cassie said with a grin.

"It's traditional lore.

And it's totally win.

"See, there's this dude, Santa,

And he's the coolest guy.

He delivers these bribes

With these reindeer that fly--

"Oh, geez, where's a window?"

She opened it wide,

Before realizing

She wouldn't see him outside.

Kaylee: He's on the roof, remember?

"So how did you manage

To set up the tree

And all of this other stuff

Without telling me

What the crap it was for?"

Kaylee seemed quite confused.

"And I even helped you?"

She settled on bemused.

"I have no idea,"

Cassie finally said.

"Living in my office

Might mess with your head.

"But never mind that."

Cassie crouched down to hide.

"I'm gonna bet

He comes in from this side."

Finding nowhere to crouch,

Kaylee fell to her bed

And she pulled up the sheets

Over all but her head,

And, feigning sleep,

Or perhaps even death,

She stared, eyes half-closed,

As she holded her breath.

Izzy: Dex, that's not a word.

Dextrose: Shh.

The Santa Clause Principle

Proved to be true,

And a fireplace appeared

Without much ado.

With her eyes squinted,

It might have been skewed,

But Santa sure looked like

A familiar dude.

Cassie sprang to her feet.

"Oh my gosh! It is him!"

Then she saw something odd.

"Uh, you're awfully slim."

"Am I?" he chortled

In a voice they both knew

"I sure hope that's a compliment.

I kind of like you."

Santa: Because sassing Santa is a first-class one-way ticket to the Naughty list.

"Hold on." Cassie caught on,

Looked him from head to toe,

And, disbelieving,

said, "Doctor Guapo?"

Santa looked at his beard.

"I didn't think it looked fake.

Could not grow my own,

It'd take long months to make.

"But, yes, I suppose,

Underneath all this stuff,

I'm your favorite mad scientist."

He struck a pose. It looked tough.

"Doctor Guapo is Santa?"

Kaylee couldn't believe.

"He has other cool jobs

Hidden up in his sleeve?"

"I don't think he's Santa."

Cassie shook her blonde head.

"How would he have time

To make gold from lead?"

"No, I'm not Santa."

Guapo put down his sack.

"I'm filling in for the man.

And I've got quite a knack.

"But in any case, kids,

If you wanted to know,

Santa Claus is healing.

Got attacked by escrow."

Flashback: A critical hit! It's super effective!

Cassie: That doesn't even make sense.

"I must really be going."

Guapo took time to stop

And point with his finger

Toward the rooftop.

As he dumped out the contents

of his colossal sack,

Cassie had to ask,

"Doc?" as she watched him unpack.

"How'd you get so dang lucky

To land such a job?"

She was so jealous

She began to sob.

"Friends in high places."

That might have been a smile,

But under that moustache,

You'd be guessing a while.

"I'm always happy to help.

I sent my list in this year,

And one of my wishes

Was to bring Christmas cheer.

"Then, Santa, surviving

Random battles, if barely,

Gave me this job.

A job that comes rarely.

"You mustn't be envious,

I could see how you would,

But this isn't exactly a job

That is good.

"In the night, in the sky,

Even with my fur coat,

I am quite freezing up there.

It's no reason to gloat.

"Be happy you can

Sleep snug in your bed,

While I have to go up

And freeze off my head.

"You should think less

About your fancy presents

Instead, the providers,

Whose jobs are unpleasant.

"We make your gifts possible,

So I'd say we would love

To hear from you gratitude

Of one kind or anuv."

Dextrose: As in short for another.

Izzy: Are you going to go through the whole thing making up rhyming words?

Dextrose: Hey, I've only Dr. Seuss'd twice.

Cassie guessed he was right.

Kaylee had no such guess.

It was enough for the Doc, though.

He gave them their mess.

"All right, that should do it."

He tied up the strings,

Leaving behind him

All their wonderful things.

Video games for Cassie,

For Kaylee, mostly clothes.

Guapo, nodding farewell,

Put a finger by his nose.

Seeing them reach

For the bright wrapping paper,

He waved them away.

"You must wait for the caper."

"I can tell what's in there

Anyway, Doc.

Video games."

And she ended her talk.

"But you don't know which ones,"

The Doc said with a smile

That may or may not

Have been there all the while.

And then he was gone.

More clatters arose,

And Santa, presumably,

Took off like Dextrose.

On a sugar high after eating too much chocolate and having no random encounters to drain his sugar gauge on.

He yelled one thing more

'Fore he reached earshot's brink:

"Merry Christmas to all,

And something else, I think."

Yeah, I Should Probably Insert a Title

I have no clue what the books would be about, but these seem like great titles to me:

We Can't All Be Dextrose Theguy

Case In Point: Dextrose Theguy

Dextrose Theguy: Running On Empty

Dexter Rose: May or May Not be Dextrose Theguy

Because every book in the world should be about me. Especially autobiographies.

The contents of this post are subject to change. Or I could, like, start a series of book titles without books. And also cover art. I should do cover art.

Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy: Episode 6

Dextrose Theguy: Woo-hoo! Ten thousand words, and Connor's plot finally showed up!

Izzy Marshwood: Oh, really?

DT: Uh-huh. I barely got this far last year, and this year I'm right on schedule! To celebrate, I will perform everybody's favorite activity, sporking the crap out of something.

IM: Unfortunately, the crap tends to remain.

DT: So, after my massive success at StarFox, I think I can spork that area.

IM: Oh my.

DT: Or perhaps write my own fanfiction in that area. "Dexter Rose, leader of Team SmiteSquad..."

IM: ...

DT: Yeah, of course I'm kidding.

ST: Hey, Dex. I'm cleaning spears and such now, need any cleaned?

DT: Mine were the first on your list. Back to work, knave!

Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy was brought to you by:

The letter Q, and the number 18.

ST: This isn't "Sesame Street", Dex.

DT: Hey, let's spork the "What do you smell like to Edward Cullen" quiz! "Which one of these treats would you prefer to nibble on? Jacob Black."

IM: Holy Shinx, you didn't answer that, did you?

DT: Goodness, no. "Which one are you?" There's no "I'm a /man./"

IM: Yeah, there is.

DT: But without the emphasis. "Would you say you are a dog person or a cat person?"

IM: Oh, I'm a cat person.

ST: That's not what they were asking. By the way, Daxton is in your room, Izzy.

IM: What the helm does he think he's doing in there?

ST: Why don't you find out?

IM: -storms out of the room-

ST:-takes her seat-

DT: I think the quiz thinks I'm gay... What's an attractive guy scent? Let's say axe, I'd be most likely to wield some o' that. Now let's see, how do I lie to the address thingy?

ST: By the way, Daxton likes Izzy. A lot.

DT: Can someone seal that warp tube? Thanks. In any case, I Smell Like Strawberries. My sweet personality can't be contained... It makes him wish he could nibble me. At which point I whip out my trusty garlic cannon and wooden steak. Also a wooden stake and a regular steak, for my victory party. Hurrah.

IM: Sucrose, what are you doing there?

DT: Ah, crap. I was supposed to seal the tube after he was gone.

ST: I'm here to, well, talk to you guys.

IM: Isn't it your bedtime?

ST: I'M NOT DONE TALKING! Er, Daxton likes you to start off.

IM: That's nice. OUT OF MY SEAT!

ST: Fine, I'll hover. -starts to hover above seat-

DT: Okay, as I was saying before the quiz so rudely interrupted,

Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy was brought to you by:

The letter Q, and the number 18.

ST: Still not "Sesame Street"!

DT: Quiet, knave.

SUMMARY

A wolf presumably gets shot.

IN-DEPTH (to an extent) SPORK:

Fox McCloud, a Red fox from the planet Corneria, sat in his chair in the great fox playing his IPod as he lesion to Linkin Park ‘In the end’.

DT: Oh, good gravy.

IM: I totally have no comment.

DT: Linkin Park plus Star Wars--er, Fox--equals POOP.

IM: Plus, what's this "lesion"? A... legion... lesson?

DT: Whatcha wanna bet the song becomes important later?

IM: Or, like, the entire plot of the story?

DT: If only I knew the lyrics...

IM: Er, actually, you have no business listening to crap.

DT: -shrugs- That's true.

black and purple ship

DT: To the Emomobile! Dudulududulududulududuluduuuuuuuh! Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh EMO!!

ST: Wow.

DT: You can just call me the fanfare master!

hair that was purple

DT: Geez louise, you established the emo part already! You can stop whenever you like!

blue jeans

DT: Oh /ho!/ So you want it to come across that she's a creative emo, one who doesn't wear the typical black or red!

IM: Red jeans exist?

DT: I slayed a vampire once in red jeans. I mean, he was wearing them.

IM: When did you take up vampire slaying?

DT: Shh.

“So what took you so long to call McCloud?” the she-wolf asked

IM: AARG WHY DOES SHE SPEAK IN ITALICS

“How do you know I’m a McCloud?” Fox asked

“Because there are only six McCloud’s and only two are guys.” The she-wolf said

DT: Objection, Your Honor. The prosecution's argument is inane.

IM: I thought we were the prosecution.

DT: Well, I didn't remember what the other guys are called.

“Oh by the way My Name is Mystic.

DT: And that's why everything I say is italicized."

Krystal McCloud, the blue and white vixen

DT: Oh, is that what she is? I could never figure that out. Whoa, whoa, she's related to Fox? Aren't they, like... hot for each other...?

IM: /Maybe/, Dex, Anglehog is trying to say they're married.

DT: Oh. Uh... so did they have that honeymoon on Sauria yet? THAT WAS THE BEST CUTSCENE IN THE GAME

Marcus McCloud, Blue and White fox,

DT: Who the helm is he?

IM: He had better dang well be canon. Or... probably not. I'd be upset with... whoever owns the rights right now.

DT: Let's check the disclaimer list of characters Angley "owns".... No, but it could be "other".

IM: Dag. Don't know who to hate on that one.

Slippy

(both): SLIPPY!

“Rain… Rain as in Lunirainos, the girl we meet year ago?”

DT: "Probably not," said Fox. "I don't know where you found the Rain part in there."

"I volunteer father." Marcus said

DT: Oh. So either Fox is old or Marcus will be morbidly inept. I instantly dislike him and hope for the latter.

IM: Even if he's canon?

DT: ESPECIALLY THEN.

IM: Well, I guess that honeymoon happened, then. Either way.

Fox nodded

(that's to Marcus's offer, by the way)

DT: Oh, good. Fox wants him dead, too.

"Fox if you find Rain she'll call you Daddy and you would have to tell Falco and Marcus." Krystal said

DT: "Wow," said Fox, "You make less sense than usual."

"I know but I need to find our daughter she might be in grave danger." Fox said

DT: Oh, I see. Omg! Illegitimate children!

IM: No, he said "our".

DT: Oh. Fine. New joke: BECAUSE TRICKY IS HUNGRY.

an Orange bear

DT: All right, I was okay with Krystal because I didn't know what she was, but now it's just dumb. Where are the Sonic the Hedgehog Colors coming from?

"Brindo unst los tango Medo. (Fire storm of the sky)" Mystic said

IM: Don't you hate it when you say your footnotes out loud?

After running for quite some time mystic dropped down to her knees and looked at the Injure Apep gave her. Her whole world started to spin until with a flop Mystic fell to the ground watching blackness take her over.

DT: That's the calmest running-for-your-life-and-then-passing-out-from-an-injury-that-I-never-figured-out-happened I've ever seen.

"That's Mystic's ship. She's here."

IM: 'Cause she didn't say she would be here.

"I'll go ahead Father." Marcus said over his shoulder

"Marcus Wait." Fox said

...Marcus picked her up and walked right back to find Fox and Falco fighting still.

DT: It's settled. Fox doesn't really care.

IM: I bet he dies within the next five minutes. Marcus, I mean.

Marcus thought that O'Donnell's were evil

DT: See? Another fatal mistake. They're just antiheroes, and love to help when it's for the Good of the Universe.

IM: The worst kind of hero of all!

Comet, Rain, Aurora, Lemonade, Be-Dena, and Ti I'm coming soon.

IM: Wow. See, you can tell which ones are OCs 'cause they have terrible names.

DT: Hold on. Where's the rest of the story?

IM: Only one chapter? I demand a refund!

DT: Let's make this a double!

Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy was also brought to you by:

The letter S, and the number 3,082.

ST: -disappears in a poof of voip in frustration-

SUMMARY

Fox and Krystal crash-land (which could be taken in multiple ways) and run into a Pikachu.

IN-DEPTH SPORK:

Fox began to feel a rough sensation through his body as his cockpit began to shake violently.

DT: Oh, wow. /That/ sentence is easy to take the wrong way.

"What the hel[m]?!"

IM: Except the /don't swear/ and make it incredibly obvious when they are not swearing.

Then in a blink of an eye, Fox's arwing smashed into Krystal's,

DT: That /also/ couldn't be taken the wrong way!

IM: Pardon my Aquan, but shut the helm up.

Feeling the intensity

IM: That's it! I get the excerpts from now on!

DT: Aww...

the fuel tank had a deep gash running down it, and Krystal knew that was bad.

DT: No, it's not. Gasoline is a toy.

IM: No inappropriate comments this time?

DT: It's Wittychick's fault!

In a rush to save the one person she had ever really cared for

IM: Except for Slippy!

even if she wouldn't admit it

IM: Especially the part about Slippy.

on fire due to the flames

DT: :o

[Brian]-forsaken

DT: Yeah, and they don't take any names in vain, either.

She couldn't breath

IM: That's almost as bad as when you can't breathe.

Krystal had to break eye contact before she did an action she knew she may regret in the future.

DT: Which could be taken in multiple--

IM: -mighty slap-

due to them being anthropomorphic

DT: :o I didn't know that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!exclamationpoint

Pikachu!

DT: -sigh- And that's the end of that one, too.

IM: Seriously, you guys, write more chapters. To make fun of.

HEY GUESS WHAT NOVEMBER IS.

Got an answer?

It's National Novel Writing Month!multipleexclamationpoints!

I, Dextrose Theguy have taken the challenge!

50,000 words in 30 days. Yeah. So, there goes any chance at having a life for the next month. But then, that was never an option.

This is when I leave a link, I guess.

Bleah!

Review: StarFox: Assault

rated T for fantasy violence and Krystal is way hot

You know, before this game, the only shooter I had actually enjoyed was Chex Quest (and Halo, if the other players were also willing to dork around). And Dark Forces, I guess. In any case, it's one of the few. Probably because I only have to do the shooter part half the time, and the rest of the time it's a flight simulator.

It's one of those rare third-person shooters. And for good reason. You don't want /anything/ to get in the way while you're trying to see, especially if that's you. The enemies were big enough for that not to be much of a problem, I guess, and with all the rolling, I'd really get thrown off. Maybe that's the reason I liked it so much. Why aren't the characters in shooters agile? Why can't you see the shots coming and get a chance to dodge? Assault really delivered for me.

Then there's the whole reason I wanted it in the first place: the flight. It's so refreshing, after Star Wars Battlefront, to have a ship that can take a hit, and that can hit other ships. Some missions have you kind of maneuver around a canned course, and that was still fun. My favorites, though, were the ones where I could fly my Arwing however I wanted. Those also tended to include my favorite vehicle, the Landmaster, and also some of the regular type shooting. Landing the Arwing was the main problem.

The only thing that was really missing was a "delegate" button. Just when you start getting on a roll, one of your teammates will yell "Help me, Fox!" and you have to drop what you're doing, run to a tank (or already be in a worthy vehicle, in most cases, but that's not the point) and quickly learn how to shoot with one of those things. Fox should be able to look up and say, "Come on, you guys. Krystal, take care of Slippy." Also, it was really short, and it kind of felt odd that they waited to heap on the challenge until the final mission.

I haven't really tried multiplayer much, but I know Slippy is my favorite character. He's slow, but great with a Landmaster, and his shots charge really fast. But if we're dogfighting, I'm probably gonna go with Falco, because Slippy is a joke in an Arwing.

As long as nobody gets one of those heatseekers of one-hit kill*, multiplayer's fine.

4.7 urns out of 5. Or was my system out of four? I should change it to out of four. And only be able to do increments of half. Okay. 3.5 urns out of 4. Thank you, goodbye.

*+3?

Fanfiction?

I have recently had to face a weird moral dilemma. I have this weird urge to start writhing stuff on everybody's favorite Fanfiction.net. And should I do so, how seriously should I take it?

As most of us do, I regard the site with disgust, distaste, and dis...uh, entery. And writing fanfiction is something I look down upon most of the time. The other half of the time, I write a crappy chapter, throw it on the blog, and wait as the urge to write subsides. Then I end up regretting it. And regretting not knowing how to delete posts.

I guess while Fanfiction.net is against all my morals, I can find other sites that do similar things. I heard about this place, Deviantart or some such. If I use that, I can sound emo instead of, uh, losery. Or whatever the stereotype happens to be at this time.

But then again, I always regret writing the stuff. I shouldn't set up any obligations to write; that's a /bad/ idea. Because at the time of my writing, the urge is building, but my morals still remain. If I had any more encouragement to write, I'd probably be pushed off the deep end.

Uh..

Uhh...

Eh, what the heck. I'll do it. Fire up Google! Fire up the Pokédex!

...Then again this is a terrible idea.

While I'm here...

Yeah, I've been sick for the past few days, with nothing to do but play old Xbox games. But, you know, no worries there. This is basically behind-the-scenes for the previous posts. Well, this paragraph is, at least. And behind-the-scenes for this post, I guess.

I milked Fable II for all it was worth, and then some. I tried to play Fable I, but the Xbox 360 refused to save and crashed every fifteen minutes, which is short enough to not quite have fun, but long enough to stop me from trying again. Then, of course, there was Sonic Heroes and Halo. Fortunately, there was a good game somewhere in the pile. I called it Jade Empire. 'Cause that was its name.

Set in some kind of Asian place (China or something?), it apparently infuriates Japanese Culture Gregs everywhere. Thankfully, I simply watch one anime show sometimes, so I was allowed to enjoy it. It has a couple odd things about it, like how all the characters are really shiny. And the accents (or lack thereof) kind of seem strange in the beginning, but then you realize everything they're saying is being translated, right?

Uhm... yes.

As a gamernerd who is not as experienced as most, I don't realize that the plot is full of what is known as "clichés" and I am allowed to enjoy that, too.

One concern is the battle system gets kind of easy once you've trained up your styles enough. Remember that the game isn't getting easier, but that you, as a gamer, are an expert. If you really want challenge, though, you can raise the difficulty anytime. Or lower it, if you're not so great. A nice thing is that the difficulty that would normally be called "Normal" is called "Master". It makes you feel even better about your elite skills.

I don't even know how much game is left and I already want to replay it. That should say something about the, uh... value thereof. Of replaying. Yeah.

Ah, yes. Another problem would be that when you learn new styles, you don't want to train them up, because that would mean taking attention from your current styles that you're mastering. I kinda want to use Legendary Strike, but it would do next to nothing at this point in the game unless I put all my style points into training it. Which I don't want to do, because it would still be weaker than the rest of my styles.

Of course, it's got the main thing every game seems to need, one o' them anthropomorphic dual-tailed foxes. Several of 'em, actually. I don't know what the deal is. Other demons include Cobar's good twin brother, who seems to have yet another evil twin.

Yeah, I recommend it. All sorts of butt-kicking, both literal and otherwise. And butt-punching, but let's not go there.

My Least Favorite Games: From Crappy to Overhyped

Mortimer Johnson:

You're gonna have to face it, Sonic the Hedgehog. Your switch from the second dimension was very ill-advised. An example of this crap: Sonic Heroes.

You see, I prefer the type of game where I don't have to wonder, "Wait. What does this button do /now?/" I like to not have to push buttons two or three times to get the team configuration the way I want it, and I'm not gonna blame myself for it. A true gamer never blames himself.

Honestly, it doesn't look like much teamwork is actually involved. Only one character at a time can actually do stuff, while the other two grab onto his or her legs, or mysteriously learn to run a lot faster. There isn't an I in team, is there? Also, I think the inactive team members should be more than deadweight, or projectiles on occasion.

Also, I like how being flung into a robot doesn't hurt, but walking into it makes you lose every single hard-earned ring. That's the worst part right there. They want you to do all your messing up in the beginning, while the level /should/ grow increasingly difficult. Doing splendidly the whole time and make a tiny slip-up at the end is /worse/ than messing up in the beginning when everything's easy.

While I'm here, Master Chief, you have a lot of explaining to do yourself. Did you think you got away unnoticed with your wannabe Samus suit? Well, since you haven't gotten sued, I guess you did.

Halo was made for multiplayer. With the recharging shields and all, you have to have enemies that'll keep on you instead of cluelessly standing around when they can't see you. Maybe some of them might, but I didn't see any in the first level of Halo II on Easy, and that's really all I have to judge you on, but then that's where beginners start, and the game should catch their attention there.

As a rebuttal, I'm vaguely interested in the plot, but it's not worth going through the game for.

That's me, the master of old news.

Clearing things up once again!

So apparently there's been some confusion about our illustrious staff. "Every post ends with 'posted by Dextrose,' but the post seems to be written by someone else," except whinier. Well, see, I, Dextrose, was the first to get this blog idea. That's why it's The Legend of Dextrose and not The Ballad of Kaylie or something.

Oh. Kaylie isn't on our staff list. Yeah, she's Mort's otherdimensional girlfriend. It sounds lame, but their love literally started tearing the universe apart, so she lives on Earth now.

Where was I?

So, the others wanted to blog, and we discussed the odds of becoming Internet celebrities. We decided it'd be best to pool our efforts. Somebody who was not a genius (I'm not saying names coughPatsycough) suggested to save space on the Interwebs, we should all share the same account. In an attempt to make fun of him, we used the idea.

We haven't found out what happens if two of us try to log in at the same time. I guess we just don't blog enough for that.

While I'm here, I'll clear up some more facts. Mort and Danny are /not/ the same person. Mort is an /avid/ gamer who lives in Salt Lake City with Patsy and Cassie. Er, not in the same house. I think I made that sound like they lived in the same house. The kind of gamer who plays games that haven't even been released, learning Japanese so he can play games before they're translated to English. Danny, on the other hand, lives in Provo on a much lamer Earth. The one without any kind of real magic. I kinda pity those guys.

Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy: Episode... 5?

Dextrose Theguy: Yeah, I fired the knave in charge of keeping track of those numbers. Now, I simply keep a general-work-stuff knave.

Izzy: Dex, you never had anybody to do your stuff except me.

DT: You only speak when spoken to, knave!

I: Ohhh...

DT: No, no, I'm a joke. The journey to the ultimate spork is gonna need all of our, uh... combined effort stuff.

I: Statement about teamwork?

DT: Yeah. Oughta have you on my side, right?

I: You certainly don't want me against you.

DT: Oh, it's not like I couldn't--uh, finish the sentence.

I: /end menacing glare

DT: Anyways, today I found someone fulfilling all my wishes in a spork! Real, natural bad writing, flame threats...

I: What?

DT: Flame threats?

I: Yeah, uh, what?

DT: Oh... she says WARNING: Don't flame me.

I: This isn't flaming.

DT: No, of course not. And it's not like she'll ever track us down here.

I: We can hope.

DT: ...Aaand probably self-insert.

I: Shall we get this party started, then?

DT: Party? In /there?/

I: Oh. Right.

Today's episode of Sporking with Dex 'n Izzy is sponsored by:

-a brief pause, that our hosts may breathe clean air-

Souldragon12, author of The Legend of Zelda: Passage of Soul

SUMMARY:

A girl whose name is Zelda for no real reason poofs from our world into Hyrule, also for no real reason. Her mom is actually Latias. Yes, the Pokémon. This is the Twilight Princess Hyrule, so when she enters the twilight (or, in this case, "nether-light") she switches to her beast form, right? It's a fox. A white fox. With two tails, yet again for no real reason. She rescues Link and Midna from some souped-up Shadow Beasts, hurts herself a lot, and fights a bunch of bosses.

IN-DEPTH SPORK:

Disclaimer: I do not own The Legend of Zelda or Pokemon Mystery Dungeon

DT: Wait... what? I don't think I clicked on the crossover section.

I: Brian protect us.

DT: What? This is gonna be better than we thought. Or worse, and therefore accidentally funnier. Yes?

My name is Zelda Galesten.

I: Wow. Somebody call the creativity police.

DT: /I'm/ the law, remember?

I: Note the word "creativity."

DT: Oww...

As for looks, think Saria, only older and hotter with Malon's hair-style.

I: Ah, the classic--

DT: Hey, check me out! I got the copy-paste working!

I: What'd you do?

DT: I dunno.

I: It looks kinda crappy now, though.

DT: So? We're gonna save, like, /minutes/ of time!

I: Anyway, as I was saying, it's the classic I-look-like-a-celebrity-only-different.

DT: Strangely, I can't think what the heck that would look like. Oh, wait... No, nothing.

Virgina

DT: Wow. I feel sorry for the people who live there.

I: What?

DT: Well, if they live up to their name...

I: Wha--oh. Dex...

old myths and the super natrual

I: Seeing as I have no idea what /normal/ natrual is like...

so I'm suck at home...

DT: Tee hee hee hee. Ee hee hee hee!

...with nothing to do, except playing Twilight Princess and Pokemon.

DT: Lucky...

I: Dex, what about your job?

DT: I only need to slay dragons, like, once a week.

And no flames or smarty pants crap!

I: Why would one /want/ to crap one's smarty pants?

DT: Some people are babies...

I: Yes, but babies are incapable of being smart.

DT: That's true. Hey, and you can say that, 'cause it's not like we're gonna offend any babies.

I: And it's not like it's not a fact.

Disclaimer: You know I already said I own NOTHING!

DT: Oh, good. Is she gonna put one of these at the beginning of each chapter?

I: It would seem so.

DT: Doesn't your very /presence/ on Fanfiction.net imply you don't own your story?

I: Something like that. But I think it's even more overzealous lawyer defense. Can't be too safe from lawyers.

“ Ms Glasesten!”, my teacher... called.

DT: Oh, it's one of those names even your teacher can't pronounce.

Did I mention that NOBODY in my entire school likes me?

DT: Why am I not surprised?

Now I would problobly be know as ‘The girl who cried algebra’ in the year book...

DT: Hey, that's a good title. I want that title.

I: Uhh...

DT: Except it'll be the guy. Dextrose Theguy who cried algebra. Sha-wingg!

right on top of my repution as the biggest Pokemon and Legend of Zelda geek of all time.

DT: Dang! I want that title, too!

I: -facepalm-

[string of expletives]

DT: Number one: Why would I be carrying poop in the first place, and two: no matter how cute it is, why would I kiss it?

Take This Quiz: What Do You Smell Like to Edward Cullen?

I: Say what?

DT: Tee hee hee.

I: Oh. Dex, that's an ad banner.

DT: It's still hilarious.

NOTE: I might switch from first to third so bear with me

DT: What? First to third what? Third base?

I: Eww, no. Third person.

DT: Say what?

I: First person is from the character's eyes, third means you follow the character.

DT: Oh, like first-person shooters! This is gonna be good!

I: Wha--no, not like--argh. Excuse my edutainment.

Vicky left me alone after I told her that the next time she’d put on her uniform, it would be two sizes too small.

DT: I'm sure this is naughty, but I can't figure out what it is.

Well, this is the part where I’d get sucked into the TP world.

I: Oh yeah SPOILERS

DT: You don't put spoilers inside the story.

I: I think she tried foreshadowing.

DT: Uh, Souldragon? NOO GOOD!

black Ninendo GameCube

DT: Oh no, I must be emo.

I: Dex, lots of people have black GameCubes. Besides, it's already been established she's a nerd/geek.

I heard phone the ring.

DT: And I cried out, "Where my hat is at?"

I lost my gaming sprit.

DT: Blasphemy!

So, I got my sorry [bottomus] up and turned it off.

DT: Why was it on in the first place? And what, exactly, does that mean?

I: Oh, it's Pet Peeve #88: Dreams and flashbacks in italics for no real reason.

DT: Actually, I think that's--

I: I don't care if it's right! I hate it!

"...thou shall meet ye destiny…..”

DT: Check me out. Normally I put excerpts in italics, but it was already in italics, so now it's in /not/ italics!

I: -pushes him out of the way- Pet Peeve #89: people who try to speak Olde Tyme English and don't know how.

DT: Oh, come on, Izz. Ye belongs in every Olde Tyme sentence.

I: Pet Peeve #90: People who think /that./

DT: Ohh...

DT: Ah, man. I was hoping for some mystical, uh... something. Y'know, reasons to suddenly find Zelly in an alternate universe other than "It is your destiny." Or "ye destiny," in this case.

“ Most of the time when we think we are alone, we are really not. Why would we feel alone when we are surrounded by the ones we truly care about?”

I: Ah, the obligatory spirit, god, or dragon with sage-type advice.

DT: Except her parents /weren't/ around. Thanks a lot, Ordona.

Six Elements

I: I can see we're not talking about the Periodic Table here, but I can only think of four.

DT: Fire, water, earth, wind, dark, light.

I: Wha--

DT: She shoulda made it eight and thrown in, like, moon and wood or something. Also, she should split earth into ground, grass, and rock, add steel--

I: Ahem.

Nerther-light

I: Sounds like a combination of northern and nether.

DT: Aurora of DOOM.

I: Dex, I don't think you even know what nether means.

DT: Well... not as such, but it's one of those words, you know? Secret, legend, tale...

I: Ah. Stock fantasy words.

DT: Yes.

There was a flash of liquid gold light.

DT: Oh. That sounds... tasty?

I knew how to read Unown.

DT: Oh, wow. Once again, I am jealous.

“ Oh gate that block my entery……"

DT: "/WHAT??/" said the gate.

“ OH HOLY MOTHER OF SH-!”

DT: By all means, finish your expletive. The one that comes to mind makes no sense, so let's hear yours.

I: Wouldn't any female who poops be one of those? Just not a holy one?

DT: I was thinking more along the lines of some kind of title in a religion centered around poop.

“ I’d wish could get across this fog…..”

DT: "Who the [helm] is I'd Wish?" Zelly cried.

Then, the twilight runes on my body turned from bronze, to green and they started to glow the same color.

DT: Wait... didn't you just... never mind.

“……..Did…….. Did I do this? …….."

DT: -drowns-

I: Good gravy! You only need three!

DT: Lives remaining: 2.

The wolf turned his head and gave me a wet lick on my face.

DT: Aw, come on. Why does everybody have to make Link an utter moron?

DT: I wonder when the whole Unown thing is gonna come into play.

“ HACK! HACK!"

I: I should probably mention that she was supposed to be choking, not saying hack.

“ Link, is that a fox with two tails?” she asked.

DT: Did she say anything about Sonic the Hedgehog in her disclaimers?

I: No, Zelly's the fox. Remember? The white dual-tailed fox?

DT: ...Yes?

I: What's so great about foxes?

DT: Especially ones with multiple tails?

“ I think so. But what’s she doing in a place like this?”

DT: Yeah. Seriously. Go find Sonic, you twit!

“ Of course I can see you, I not dumb!”

DT: "I beg to differ," Midna mumbled.

before I forget this whole chapt was recreated by Envoyshadow who really hepled me out.

DT: Oof. Good thing I didn't see it /before./

Link flustered a bit and did the anime fall on his face.

I: Dex?

DT: I'm fairly certain she didn't mean anime, and even if she did, I'm not a Japanese-culture-type nerd!

I: Just regular type?

DT: No, gamernerd.

Right now I had two choices, I could die right then and there, or I could howl for help. I decided it was best to howl.

DT: O.O You're a genius!

“ Well, I think you owe us now little fox,” said Midna smugly with her crooked smile.

DT: Uh, no she doesn't. She just rescued you guys. That means there is no debt, right?

“ YOU HAVE COME TO CHALLNAGE ME TO THE DEATH?!”

DT: No, not as such, but...

“ Yes. We have come to fight to the death!”

DT: What?

“ ...IF YOU SCUCCEED IN SUCH A DEED, WHAT IS YOUR REQUEST!?"

DT: /What?/

“ If we win, Faron, then you must let me heal your Light Soul, and allow me to lift this Nether-light,” Zelly barked

DT: Okay, so they're planning on killing him, and then healing his soul?

I: Fat lot of good that's gonna do.

DT: Ooh! Does that mean they get a Faron mask?

I: What?

Of course my complaints were ignored by the corrupted Spirit as he made his entrance by basting the tainted, smelly water all over the da[r]ned place.

I: I'm pretty sure basting is--

DT: Pouring juices on stuff while cooking to keep it moist.

I: ...some... kinda cooking thing. Why the heck do you--

DT: NO REASON!

AWESOME AS HEL[M]!!!

I: I personally see that place as the opposite of awesome.

The thing was going to choke the life out of her if someone doesn't do something!

I: That's when, without warning, I switched to the present tense!

“ Hyrule was once known as a place where the creatures known as the Pokemon lived."

DT: Oh holy Brian. Knave, copy-paste this whole story.

I: My name is Isabel, and we'd never get away with that.

Zelda, you are Latias’ chosen descendent.”

DT: Discussion time! I don't think legendaries reproduce, and if they did, how the heck would a descendant be human?

I: Well, when a man and a--

DT: That's not what I meant! I-- Hey, I think... that makes sense, but eww.

First of all, I end up in the Zelda universe and find out that Pokemon are real....or I think their real.

DT: Because I /knew/ Zelda was real.

“ So I’m Latias’ descendent? But how?” I questioned.

DT: That's what I'd like to know.

“ It is not my place to tell you."

DT: Oh, come /on!/

ginned crookedly

I: Had a bit too much to drink there?

Then the twilight runes on Zelly started to shimmer in liquid gold.

DT: Oh no! She's melting!

“That’s a red fox, you Deku Stick,"

DT: You gotta hand it to her, that's a pretty good insult.

I: Shut up, Deku Stick. Oh yeah, that feels really good.

Link and I had to our best to avoid them lest we want to both in up in Hyrule castle.

I: WHAT.

"I'm well aware of that Link. But I have to. My life is really nothing in the battle to free Hyrule of corruption and sorrow," she whined softly. My mouth dropped. Did she just say something wise?

DT: Not really.

I: Wasn't she, like, the key to saving Hyrule and all that?

curved piece of brown crap

I: All crap is brown.

DT: 'Cept for the green ones. And the occasional corny--

I: Shut up, Deku Stick! Whoo!

DT: Am I allowed to facepalm? Or is that your job?

I: You didn't just do something stupid.

DT: I--never mind.

"Yeah. I'm OK, thanks for the save." she said. Link smiled. "No problem. Call it even for saving our butts from that cage back in Faron Woods."

DT: If you were to ask me, you've /been/ even.

"It was the girl blessed with her mother's Soul Force."

DT: Whoa, whoa! So now Latisomething is her /mom?/

I: That's /way/ different than ancient ancestor. I've no clue how her genes got the way they are, but I'm gonna guess she's sterile.

DT: Oh. Says Latias "took on the form of a human."

I: That might almost work, except for the fact that--

DT: Shut up, you Deku Stick! Yess!

Eldin-Sama

DT: Oh, great. Zelly's getting all Japanese culture on us.

-they abscond-